Oh boy here I go again... today/tonight has been horrible ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Patience has apparantely lost his touch. I believe that I may have over done it with the W. I was talking with Swashy and told him that I cannot believe that I forgot all that I have learned so damn quickly. I went and pursued my W and went over the top. I am feeling like such a complete and utter idiot for not thinking clearly and doing my thing just as I have been for months now.
Months ago my W and I discussed our living arrangements and how privacy is very important to her when she is in the apartment. For those of you who don't know my W and I share an apartment, I am at the house one week while she is at the apartment, the next week she is at the house and I am at the apartment. I know, kind of new age, but it has worked great up until this week. My W went to New Orleans for an overnight business trip and I went in and put new bedding on her bed to surprise her when she got back. My intentions where great, but I should have thought ahead about the invasion of privacy aspect. I ended upi finding her ummmm self pleasure toy in the bed, and descretely put it back under her pillow when I made the bed with the new bedding.
Well, today when she got back from new Orleans she phoned me and asked who was in the apartment. I told her me and could hear in her voice that she was pissed. I know now that I should have called her first, I just didnt really think about it, all I thought was how thrilled she would be to see the new comforter and bedding.... WRONG.... she fealt as though I invaded her privacy. Scott is probably accurate that she is a little embarassed by what I found, I certainly didnt intend to find that.
So i feel horrible, I feel like I hurt her, and I feel like I made a huge mistake by not thinking before hand of the outcome of my actions. I know that my intenetions were good, however the road to hell is paved with good intentions right? I apologized to her and told her that I just wanted to surprise her, but she was hurt, I could hear it in her voice. She told me she knows that I had good intentions, but that she fealt violated. I have allowed this to destroy my mental state today and tonight. I feel horrible about letting her down and hurting her.
While talking with Swashy I downed 3 cape cods in about 3 minutes to take the edge off as I have been a ball of sh^t ever since she called. I am working on number four right now as I type. I have my son and 2 of his friends over tonight so i will slow it down now, thank goodness I am not alone or this would surely be a drunken stuper night. Swahsy has already told me to not be too hard on myself, but I can't help it. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and am scared to make the slightest mistake. I absolutely hate this feeling and need very seriously to detach myself again, I am getting too attached too quickly and it is tearing me up inside. Anyone who thinks that piecing is easy street can absolutely kiss my hairy white a^s, because this is tough business and I am turning into an emotional wreck. I am so fricking worried about doing or saying the wrong thing that I have gotten away from all that I know that is right.
I know that I will be fine and tomorrow is a new day, but tonight just flat out sucks. i took the boys bowling and couldn't even get into it and have fun. My stomach was in knots and my emotions are so tense right now that the slightest bad thing and I am over the edge. This absolutely sucks folks and I am actually looking forward to sleeping so that this day will finally end. Tomorrow is getting back to Ian day, thats all there is to it, I have to get my focus back and start taking care of me again. I am sorry for the long rant here, it has just been the sh^tties day since right before New Years. I was really starting to get comfortable and then boom...... one slip and all goes to hell. What I wouldn't give to not have th ekids tonight and be able to get drunk and pass out.....
