Just wanted to comment on the ILYs. Do you think that sometimes when we are in the height of our marriages that we say it sometimes out of habit and not with the feelings that we think we should be feeling?
I say this because, I think the WAS then feels free not to say because they don't "have" to now. Does that make sense? They say it when they actually feel it at that moment and not just because they know you need or want to hear it? Or do they say it now out of guilt?
That is a very interesting theory Trip. I think you're maybe right. I used to feel like H said it too much with no feeling there to back it up - like you say - out of habit or because he felt he should say it.
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
I hear ya Trip, I have been very careful on it and only done it twice. The first time was after ML for the first time in 5 months, just seemed right. The second was at my grandmothers memorial service. Funny thing is I got the one back at the memorial serice, not the ML, go figure....
My H and I have actually discussed this. He says ILY freely- even after the separation. I couldn't say it. I still can't I have said it once and got a not so nice comment back.
I think I'm afraid to say it. I'm afraid of being hurt again.
After our talk and C sessions, I think H sees it now and he has backed off saying ILY. Which is nice- no pressure.
I think I'll finally be piecing when I can say it to H again (and when he spends the night at the house again.)
Quote: I also have struggled a bit with my DBing and how much I am supposed to keep doing it
Hi Ian. My H and I have been "piecing" since 10th December. I think this is the hardest part and know totally where you are coming from with the above comment. It is very hard knowing how much to still DB. I have found it very difficult to remain detached and am finding it more difficult the further along we get, but my H has actually moved back in. The DBg techniques I tend to be keeping up best are "acting as if" and 180's. I also still do not contact my H first over anything even though I know he would be quite happy for me to do so. Its almost like that is now a habit! I can't believe I am saying this because I am really not handling this part well myself but you know how it is - you can give the advice better than you can take it - patience is crucial and you will need much more of it than you have already had to have. Congratulations on your change in sitch you deserve it. Good luck.
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
Well Trip, I believe you may be onto something there The first time that night was very passionate, but the second time was more animal pleasure and that may be why the no repsonse. In fact when it did get said that night I thought maybe I should have during round 1 instead. Oh well, can't change the past, only move forward.
inpain, I think you and all others that are in piecing here should stick with a lot of the DBing techniques. I think a lot of them should be used in all relationships. Haven't most of said that we had wished we had learned what we know now during our marriages?
I think there are certain techniques that are useful for different stages. I don't think strong detaching is needed for you guys at this time. Like you said, the 180's and act as ifs, are definite techniques to keep up.
The first time that night was very passionate, but the second time was more animal pleasure and that may be why the no repsonse. In fact when it did get said that night I thought maybe I should have during round 1 instead. Oh well, can't change the past, only move forward.