OK so it has taken me a few weeks to come into this forum. To be quite honest it is a little sacry leaving a forum that you have been in for so long and all the folks that you have counted on for all that time. So I have been reading quite a bit of what folks are posting in here and am aware that this is where I need to be in order to get the support that the W and I are going to need as we work back towards being together again.
My sitch has taken a very good turn, to give a breief synopsis, I had gotten quite fed up with all the games and on New Years day completely lost it and told my W to file. Unknowingly this was apparantely the trigger that she needed as she came to me 4 days later telling me that she was not done and does see the value in our R and M. We have since gone out on a few dates, made some future plans together, and had great conversations.
I layed it out there that I want to take our time and she agreed. We are still seperated and have a lease through July 2007 on an apartment so we are thinking we will keep it this way for now. She has made efforts to open up to me, and I am doing the same with her. We are trying to keep it in small doses as to not overwhelm each other.
I go through huge mood swings still, I can be happy as can be and then have some time with her and get very sad when we part ways. I also have struggled a bit with my DBing and how much I am supposed to keep doing it. For example I have told her that I love her and not gotten response back. Then I have also said it and she returned it. I did not intend to open that can of worms just yet, but couldnt help myself.
Anyway, I am just trying to prepare as I know that some of the road home will be bumpy and there will be issues along our path. I am looking forward to having the insight of all of those who have been traveling down this road for a while now and any advice is welcomed.
Now this is the hardest part of the journey, the forgivness and the rebuilding.
This is the part where we truly have to work on the rebuilding of a new relationship and learn from our mistakes of the past regardless of what that past was.
It is also a rollercoaster of emotions because after learning how to detach we now have to learn how to reattach.
The I Love You's will come in time.
My Husband was actually the one who said it first. It took me several weeks to work up the courage to say it back to him. I was so scared of rejection and putting myself out there again.
It really can be alot of fun rediscovering each other and making this marriage work again.
I don't know too much about your sitch I have read bits and pieces. Maybe you could post a brief intro so that all of us here could know where you have come from and what you have been through.
Not to be forwards.. BUT There is also a great book that really helped both my Husband and myself. It is called Venus and Mars in the bedroom. This was a really great tool for helping in the reconnection.
Anyways, I wish you well on this new adventure. It will be fun and you can make it wonderful as you rediscover your wife and learn to love and respect one another again.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
My H and I started piecing a few weeks ago and I feel your pain with regards to the ILYs.
I started using my old pet names for him this week, saying things like "sweetheart, babe and darlin". He has picked up on it and started using his pet names for me! Not as much pressure I guess as ILY.
Patience is the key my friend, keep venting and posting here while your piecing at home.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
Quote: I go through huge mood swings still, I can be happy as can be and then have some time with her and get very sad when we part ways. I also have struggled a bit with my DBing and how much I am supposed to keep doing it.
Well if your experience turns out to be anything like mine that mood swings will remain a regular part of your life for a long time and then you'll notice one day that they're tapering off, the highs and lows aren't as high and low as they were. It's all gradual...and you know what, it kind of feels funny when those highs and lows go away...in my case, anyway, I'd gotten really used to them so I didn't feel "normal" (whatEVER the hell that is) anymore. Turns out, that was a good thing
Quote: I have told her that I love her and not gotten response back. Then I have also said it and she returned it. I did not intend to open that can of worms just yet, but couldnt help myself.
Yeah, I feel for you, bro. Same boat for a long time. Since we were piecing and talking I just expressed that frustration to my W one day and she just basically told me that she wanted me to express myself to her if I could do it without getting upset if she couldn't reciprocate it. I think as long as it's not scaring them off and it's done somewhat sparingly and genuinely then I think it's important. My W, and I'm assuming most women, want to feel prized by their husbands and, especially in this kind of sitch, want to know that there is hope for a real, solid, intimate relationship again...especially the more emotional they are.
That, in my opinion, was one of the hardest things I had to do because, frankly, I felt like a moron expressing feelings for someone who wasn't able to reciprocate them at the time. It was like when I was in high school or college and tried dating someone who wasn't real interested in taking it beyond simple "acquaintanceship".
But I did it anyway, though sparingly, and with as much detachment as I could muster. Got to where I only did it when I felt strong and knew I didn't need anything back...usually saved it for when we were home and having a light but good time with each other and the kids and I was about to leave or take the kids somewhere.
I can't say whether any of that made a difference or not. But again, I think the fact that she saw that I was confident in how I felt about her (which I think she needed to see was possible given all that transpired, and how she felt about herself) and yet able to walk away from it, helped give her some space to see who I was again and what the future might be like if she were in it 100%. That surely didn't remedy things overnight, has taken (and is taking) many months actually, but although it did feel somewhat artificial at first, we just kept plugging along and things started happening for the better.
I also started getting more attention from other women which I didn't seek but sort of was thankful it was there cause I think that made her see how much she's always counted on my absolute faithfulness and how bad it would be for her if I bailed on her. That sort of thing.
Good luck. I sometimes spout off too much but if I can help in any way let me know. We've had to overcome a lot of stuff (wife's sexual aversion towards me, an std, whole lot of lies being exposed, and then all the problems that already existed between she and I) so we're by no means there yet but we seem to be making decent progress.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Quote: Maybe you could post a brief intro so that all of us here could know where you have come from and what you have been through.
Here goes, In August I got the good ole ILYBINILWY that runs rampid around here. We tried to live together, but I could not handle it. We decided to try a unique living arangement and we rented 1 apartment that we split time in. So one week I am at the house and W at the apt, next week the W is at the house and I am at the apt. There was a PA on her part w/ a close friend of mine who is no longer a friend and is married himself. I DB'ed like a madman, made my share of mistakes along the way. After Xmas I got very angry and frustrated, I decided to tell her on New Years day that I was done and she could file for her divorce. On January 5th she came to me and told me she wasnt ready to file and that there is value there and she just doesnt know if she can get back to that loving feeling for me again.
We agreed at that point to give it time as long as there is effort on her part as well. We have been out on a couple of dates, they went well. We are taking a weekend away together in February, and we have our anniversary trip to Scotland scheduled for June 22nd through July 1st.
It's going at a very slow and steady pace, she is way more open with me now and we are working very hard on rebuilding our friendship right now and learning to communicate. We don't talk R hardly at all right now. She knows that I love her and I do send her flowers and leave gifts at the apartment on our swap days. She seems ok with that.
I am in the middle of interviewing for a new job, had my second interview today and I believe that I aced it. I took my W to lunch afterwards and we talked about it quite a bit. Had a nice lunch together and then I came back to work. So far a good day in my books... Off to coach basketball tonight and then playing raquetball at the club so lots of GAL work today for me.
Hi Ian... like Julie I am checking out th new place... I think you need some color and new furniture
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
