Well, I saw the counselor today, with some results. He was good on the structure-your-thoughts and encouragement side, but low on the expertise, I thought. What it came down to was a presentation of the problem, him asking me “what would I do” or “what would your W think if” or “what would your friends think would help” type of questions, essentially taking my asnwers and ideas, reformulating them, and then presenting them as solutions.
Just as in the last DB session I had in the States, he asked “how would you know if you were on a good path, what signs or actions from your wife... ” .
I was somewhat frustrated by this seemingly low-on-insight, schematic approach,, but we did come up with a plan:
O I find and attend an assertiveness training class or a how to fight in marriage course (he didn’t know where to go for these; didn’t’ even know the Swedish word for assertiveness, which I explained to him) O I go to dance lessons (always wanted to try the Lindy hop, which looks like fun) O I organize the various NIMBY “you don’t build your new housing here” groups in our town, so bringing new people into our lives, letting me try something I think is worthwhile (and something my W can agree with). We get to protest in the town square American style - sounds like fun. O try to set limits, maybe by telling W – by email ? – of what a divorce would be like in my book (no vacations together, no having her in the garden, probably having to sell the house, etc.), this not as an ultimatum, but more as a reality check. Also that I would consider moving to Boston then, and how would we handle the kids?
That was the positive measures. On the negative side:
O in mid-summer I apply for a divorce, this on a 6 month timer, without telling my W. She then has 6 months before the timer runs out, the D is a fact (or not), and I have clarity – yes or no - for a 50th birthday present. You can do this one-sided application here in Sweden, not to trick the other person, but just to get things rolling. O I prepare for a D in any case, should it come to pass, with information, plans, etc.
The ‘submarine’ nature of the D application should leave the air clean till Christmas, not bringing negative energy into the equatin.
Anyway, a last ditch, positive trying to change on my part, but prepared for the worst.
Lots to do now!
The ice is still not snowy and wonderfully smooth – may be able to skate in a week on it – some pink on the clouds as the sun goes down -
Best –
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
