Thanks for all your thoughts. Yeah, my gut reaction was also that her vision is wrong and would be unfair to most of those involved - yes, it did feel wrong, a neither here nor there idea – and that somehow she was getting the most benefit from it. The kids would be “protected” with a lie, I wouldn’t’ get the space and relief I need, my parents would be deceived (she motivated this with “they are old and we should not put stress on them”, and “I know your dad would be sad that our M failed, and would blame me (W)”), I wouldn’t’ get any comfort from my unknowing parents, and there would be continual stress and deception when we are together with others (or maybe not, as I imagine the news of her having moved out would get around).
What I would like is peace, somehow, be this by gettng back together, or by a clean separation. I am willing to give it some more time, but would certainly like a resolution before I turn 50 in December. I am working physically on myself, put money and energy into our relationship and my PMA, and now am willing to try an emotion/personality makeover with the aid of a C, if such a thing can be done. This seems like a good faith effort to me, but maybe that isn’t what finally counts…
For the moment I prefer to lay low with the relationship talk, as it still is too much of an open wound. With some time and distance (I could even do this by email from the states, where I am in 3 weeks), I hope we can talk more calmly. Myabe email would have the advantage of being less ‘live’, with calmer feelings? (One thing I dread is the feeling of "she no longer cares, as she doesn't nag me anymore, the relationship doesn't matter to her any longer").
Today she ordered seeds for the garden, so there is a future there at least. Not that I want to see her in the garden, if she has moved out.
She has had a mostly EA with OM, as he lives in Germany and we are in Sweden, some small comfort, but yeah, 12 months is a while already, and I don’t’ like her having secret phone calls. Now she wants to go to Germany when I am finally back from my two business trips – a sinking feeling – to which I am not sure how to react outwardly. Do we have to grin and bear all this pain to have any chance at winning our spouses back? I told her that my patience and kindness would reach a limit sometime – she said “good, I want you to be yourself”, whatever that is supposed to mean; I am always myself, of course, even when I am controlling my emotions.
Yes, peace would be wonderful to have, even if it has to be without her –
Cold again, about 20F, the lights on the bridge make diffuse stripes on the ice, an occasional car goes this way or that, but you don’t hear it, with all the snow around, a winter evening in Sweden –
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
