Yep, we all have, or are going through all of this. Eventually you have to let it go. This will apply to all of us, whether or not we get back together, and/or stay with our SO's.
I want to make it clear that I am not trying to make global, blanket statements which "always" apply to "everyone". (Except for the statement I made above which I think we all should agree is a necessity.)
There are cases of habitual neglect, abuse, or other mistreatment which would definately make it much easier for a WA. What I am saying is that there are also "many" cases where an affair does just "happen". There are cases on this board where, at least it appears so, the left spouse really has no clue what they have done wrong, if anything. If such a person really has done their homework, soul searching, self analysis, and have been able to be truly honest with themselves, what then is the point of continuing to blame themselves for the breakup ? While we really are responsible for our own actions, we are not responsible for anothers actions or weaknesses.
Let me hasten to point out here that I think there is a difference between what most people would consider to be mistreatment, ie. any sort of emotional, or physical abuse, and just being human. We all have an occasional day when we aren't at our best. Maybe that means that the kids have been little hellions all day, or the boss has been an ass all day, and we're a bit grumpy. Anyone who doesn't have those days, please speak up and we'll all vote you into sainthood.
When a WA decides the grass must be greener somewhere because they've let themselves get into a compromising situation, your bad days are magnified a thousandfold until you look like the biggest jerk in the world and why would they, or anyone else, want to be with such a jerk ? That doesn't mean you actually were, it just means that they have to have something to hang their guilt on, and guess what ? You're the best target.
For those of you who actually were jerks, learn from it. Straighten yourselves out, and show the person you love that you actually can change. DB your butts off until you have become the person you know you should be. When that happens you will be a better person whether your WA comes back to you or not.
I guess the bottom line for me is that we don't need to always "blame" anyone, either ourselves or them. Take your own responsibility for anything you did and get on with life. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Sorry if I rambled a bit here, but I hope some of this may help some one.
