she's left my life has ended

[Cinderellaman]

Hi Nick,

I tend to agree completely with Bill (Bworl)...these things also take A LOT of TIME !!! It's something we "impatient LBS" have to learn....PATIENCE.... I believe most of our lessons are in ;

*Patience
*Letting Go (detaching - we are sometimes controlfreaks)
*Finding ourselves !!!! (very important ! Usually we're lost as well !!)
*Opening up to new and fresh possibilities (this does NOT exclude our W/H...but we do need to realize that it will NEVER be the same relationship if it is ever a relationship again !)
*Finding our true friends
*Learning to love unconditionally
*Empathy
*Forgiveness
*Faith

Well, I guess these are just a few of the things I have found that I am learning and practicing in my life now...but believe me it's taken me a lot longer than a few days or even 8 months to learn this and accept it !!!!

I hope you find a way of channeling your anger....crimes of passion do happen you know....please ask God to help you, and to watch over you, and go out and hug a tree !! It really does help !!!!

Love, Cinders xx

[nickfromtheuk]

fig.

urrrrhrhrhrhr

But you say that you forgive her for the affair but it is blatantly obvious to me that you haven't. You can not old onto this anger and still detach...and detach you must.

I HAVE FORGIVEN HER. Just because I am angry that she was taken for a ride and then discarded by a serial romeo doesn't mean I haven't forgiven her. I cant explain the need to know his name and her telling me it wont help you only makes it worse. Why shouldn't it be perfectly natural for me to want to know who he is. I've read loads of post, had advice and it seems that women usually don't want to know or if they do find out wish they never did and it seems men need to know. At the end of the day I know who is is I know what he looks like and I stood within 2 feet of him this morning and whilst I'm sure he probably felt very uncomfortable because I was holding my sons hand so therefore he must know who I am. I didn't hit him, give him dirty looks or whatever because I have no feelings for him what so ever apart from my annoyance that mine is not the first marriage he has been apart of because he bedded another mum last term. I am also annoyed that he chased, bedded and then when my wifes feelings for him got too strong he dumped her pretending his wife found out.

So I don't know how I get through to say I have forgiven her but I have.

Again...I am only adding one person's opinion here but...after my 1st husband hurt me for the 1st time...I told him the same thing...that I understood why he did it, totally forgave him, deserved it...

Did you betray him by having an affair? You said after he hit you for the first time so I take it he was abusive. I can understand you feel very emotive about what I did to my wife but I can assure you that from the age of 10 when we first started dating until Saturday morning I have never raised a finger to my wife and I don't ever intend to again. I do not even stand up if we argue and our has been a marriage of very few but even when we do argue I don't stand up because I am aware that if we are shouting and screaming at each other my standing may intimidate her and I don't want to intimidate her let alone hit her

I said she told me she deserved it but I also said in the same or next sentence that no one deserves what I did and it is totally unacceptable. I told my wife this and I can assure you I am totally crushed by what I did and as long as I live I will never forgive myself. I said in another post that I did not know rage could be so intoxicating. Maybe I chose the wrong words but I was not saying that I wanted to make it my bed partner just that for someone who has been unable to feel emotions properly due to depression,feeling this emotion took me totally off guard. Intoxicating alludes to me saying I wanted more, which I can assure you I hope I never feel like that again but If I do I will be keeping my emotions in check until I can release them in a safe environment.

I'm sorry to go on but I'm not an abusive husband and i do think you are being rather harsh with me. I can totally understand you feeling like that especially as your first husband was an abuser.

My wife may have said she deserved it but she only said that because she knows how much she hurt me and she wanted to ensure I understood that she forgave me. I must add that I told my wife that no one absolutely no one should have to put up with what I did to her then and she should certainly not feel she deserved it. You see however hurtful having an affair is to the deceived spouse nothing excuses violence.

Nick

[nickfromtheuk]

fig.

urrrrhrhrhrhr

But you say that you forgive her for the affair but it is blatantly obvious to me that you haven't. You can not old onto this anger and still detach...and detach you must.

I HAVE FORGIVEN HER. Just because I am angry that she was taken for a ride and then discarded by a serial romeo doesn't mean I haven't forgiven her. I cant explain the need to know his name and her telling me it wont help you only makes it worse. Why shouldn't it be perfectly natural for me to want to know who he is. I've read loads of post, had advice and it seems that women usually don't want to know or if they do find out wish they never did and it seems men need to know. At the end of the day I know who is is I know what he looks like and I stood within 2 feet of him this morning and whilst I'm sure he probably felt very uncomfortable because I was holding my sons hand so therefore he must know who I am. I didn't hit him, give him dirty looks or whatever because I have no feelings for him what so ever apart from my annoyance that mine is not the first marriage he has been apart of because he bedded another mum last term. I am also annoyed that he chased, bedded and then when my wifes feelings for him got too strong he dumped her pretending his wife found out.

So I don't know how I get through to say I have forgiven her but I have.

Again...I am only adding one person's opinion here but...after my 1st husband hurt me for the 1st time...I told him the same thing...that I understood why he did it, totally forgave him, deserved it...

Did you betray him by having an affair? You said after he hit you for the first time so I take it he was abusive. I can understand you feel very emotive about what I did to my wife but I can assure you that from the age of 10 when we first started dating until Saturday morning I have never raised a finger to my wife and I don't ever intend to again. I do not even stand up if we argue and our has been a marriage of very few but even when we do argue I don't stand up because I am aware that if we are shouting and screaming at each other my standing may intimidate her and I don't want to intimidate her let alone hit her

I said she told me she deserved it but I also said in the same or next sentence that no one deserves what I did and it is totally unacceptable. I told my wife this and I can assure you I am totally crushed by what I did and as long as I live I will never forgive myself. I said in another post that I did not know rage could be so intoxicating. Maybe I chose the wrong words but I was not saying that I wanted to make it my bed partner just that for someone who has been unable to feel emotions properly due to depression,feeling this emotion took me totally off guard. Intoxicating alludes to me saying I wanted more, which I can assure you I hope I never feel like that again but If I do I will be keeping my emotions in check until I can release them in a safe environment.

I'm sorry to go on but I'm not an abusive husband and i do think you are being rather harsh with me. I can totally understand you feeling like that especially as your first husband was an abuser.

My wife may have said she deserved it but she only said that because she knows how much she hurt me and she wanted to ensure I understood that she forgave me. I must add that I told my wife that no one absolutely no one should have to put up with what I did to her then and she should certainly not feel she deserved it. You see however hurtful having an affair is to the deceived spouse nothing excuses violence.

Nick

[KristyS]

I HAVE FORGIVEN HER. Just because I am angry that she was taken for a ride and then discarded by a serial romeo doesn't mean I haven't forgiven her.

I disagree. If you have truly forgiven her, you would not be angry.

[fig]

nope...never had an affair. Detached means moving on and your need to know means you haven't moved on...you haven't detached.

Let it go. Assume you will never know. Detach...Detach...Detach. You are hurting both of you with the obsessive need to know. Accept that somethings you may never know.

Displacing your anger and betrayal onto the other man doesn't mean you have forgiven your wife. Neing angry at his behavior doesn't help anything. He didn't betray you and your marriage. SO if he were truthful with your wife and they really loved each other...you would be OK with them being together because you have truly forgiven your wife and detached?

[Smurf_SMR]

I want to change the subject, the Financials.

I know this is nobodies business but your own, but as you know I have been living in the attic for 18 months now.

Credit Card debt has always been a burden, which could only be cleared when the house sells and my Wife goes on her merry way.

Things have got really tight just lately, and I looked to the bank for a facility to tide us over, until the house sells. The answer - NO.

Living in a foreign country, cards maxed out, not being able to get money for food or petrol. Forget Christmas.

This made me focus on why things had got so bad, I new the wife was spending, but that had slowed down. It turns out that she was creaming off about 12k from the total family income. (Child allowance, Holiday pay etc)

There was NO WAY OUT

The desperation, caused by the bank saying "no", made me realise something,

I had Life assurances that had about 5 years to run, and as this was a relatively short time, I was waiting for the final bonuses, also it gave income protection to my Wife and kids should anything happen to me. Why was I thinking about her protection. This was her decision to leave the family/marriage.

So the realisations:

I was paying more in interest than the bonuses I was probably expecting.

Our monthly overhead would be reduced to the extent that one of us could afford to rent an appartment. Neither of us are trapped in the circumstance we are in. I can leave the attic.

I was subconciously keeping them going, in the hope that things would turn around, and get back to normal.

In summary I WAS HOLDING ON AND NOT LETTING GO.

Literally last week they have been paid out, and all debts cleared.

We could eat again, and buy toilet rolls.

Why am I telling you all this.

Things are never as bleak as we think they are, there is an answer, it was staring me in the face, but I did not see it, or did not want to see it.

So the cage door has opened further for her, and she still wont bloody go.

You will be surprised at the results, when you have totally let go, and they FEEL the attachment has gone.

[nickfromtheuk]

No i guest that. The reason I said that was because you said you forgave him the 1st time he hit you and I think you think I'm going keep hitting on my wife. Any way enough said I have already sought and got her forgiveness my punishment is not forgiving myself for what I did in a moment of sheer madness.

I feel like we are going round in circles here.

I don't need to know because I already do know who he is. Needing to know who the person was or asking questions of your spouse about the affair has nothing to do with forgiveness. You can totally forgive someone and still want to know details about the other person. Its got nothing to do with forgiveness and everything to do with healing and the need to understand. If I new nothing of MLC I would still be extremely hurt but I know she could not help herself. It's absolutely nothing to do with transfering anything. Its perfectly natural to dislike the person who was involved with your spouse. Nothing wrong with that. Not liking him has nothing to do with the feelings I have for my wife. She just happens to have been chased by a serial romeo. If it had not been him it would have been someone else probably because she's going through an MLC so she may have ended up chasing someone. It doesn't really matter. When you learn what MLC is all about and everyone who uses this forum probably has, you know your spouse is more than likely going to stray. You only continue to stand for your marriage if you forgive them or if you want to forgive them.

Anyway enough. I know I have forgiven my wife and I am not going to commit anymore time justifying myself to anyone that I have.

nick

[nickfromtheuk]

FOR GOODNESS SAKE. I HAVE FORGIVEN HER. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT. Just because I have forgiven my wife does not mean that I have to forgive him. They are 2 separate people. She is my wife, the love of my wife and the mother of my children. She used to be my best friend but she does not want to for fill that roll anymore. That is just the way things are.

Why do i bother.

[nickfromtheuk]

Update. I'M SORRY I've been a bit stroppy lately.

I bother because I value the input and good advice I get from This site so I'm sorry I just got fed up with being told I had not forgiven my wife and being accused of being a serial wife beater. It happened once. It was by for the worst thing I have ever done in my life and I have asked my Lord an Saviour for forgiveness so I'm happy its at an end.

<<<<< UPDATE >>>>>>

She is moving back Sunday. It was going to be Sat but she has wriggled another day's freedom for herself. We both know its going to be hard. For my part I have to work harder as I've not worked much due to the stress and y depression, which actually hardly makes me an attractive proposition for my wife so from Monday things are going to be different. The plan is for me to pay off the debts within 2 years if possible, which is going to be bloody hard as they currently stand at £28k all unsecured (21k is on credit cards).

For her part she comes home because of the finances. She absolutely does not want to but having lived through a bankruptcy before she is terrified of going through it again and of course she realizes she will not be housed in a flat but will have to go into bed and breakfast with a load of drug users etc. She seems to have enough sense left at the moment to spare our little boy from that.

SHE IS NOT GOING TO TRY AND FIX OUR MARRIAGE. ABSOLUTELY REFUSES. DOES NOT LOVE ME BLAH BLAH SAME OLD RECORD.

AND

UNFORTUNATELY......... SHE IS STILL SEEING HIM... HAS ALLUDED TO THE FACT AND ONE OF OUR DEAR FRIENDS WHO HAS AN OLDER SON AT OUR SCHOOL SAW HER KISSING HIM PASSIONATELY IN HIS CAR THIS MORNING. THEY WERE IN THE CAR PARK NEXT TO THE SCHOOL.

So THE AF is on again just as before before it all came out. I have to pretend I don't know or say I know but want it to stop without threatening and without it becoming THE issue. Any advice please as were in the same house again like Simon's situation.

All I can do I suppose is GAL get mysterious and show her patience and love. Hopefully she will snap out of it before we clear our depts and the OM thing will fizzle out. There is nothing I can do about it anyway. Maybe in a year I'll be able to let her go to make her own mistakes, who knows. Now its back to DBing and getting my life in order.

Wish me luck. All my friends think I've had the patience of a saint. I think I'm gonna need a lot more than that this time.

Nick

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Nick,

I am sorry man. That and some change will buy you a cup of coffee…or is it tea over there? : )
Having her stay in the same house while she is having an affair is going to kill you. You will eat your own mind. You…already are.

These changes you are going to make in yourself, do not kid yourself, if you make them for her they will not last, they will be one of the first things you drop when you get sick of her…and you will.

You make these changes for you, re-evaluate what you want in life.
Go back to school. “Oh I am too poor to go to school…” Yeah…suck it up, stop being poor in a couple of years, instead of still being poor in a couple of years. School is also a great place to meet new friends. It is a great place to occupy your mind, instead of not having anything to do in your flat, except eating your own mind with worry.

Nick…guess what? If you believe ANYTHING she tells you then you are a fool. This is coming from someone who didn’t listen to anyone here, and discovered he was a fool on his own. So from a fool…do not become one. She will lie to you…learn this. She lies to everyone including herself. So if she is lying to you…why do you need answers from her that aren’t going to be true? Stop asking them.

Let her live elsewhere, just not with your boy. She needs comfort, let her get a teddy bear.

Work on yourself. She is, if you want to survive this…dead to you. Your old wife is gone, this is the new one, she might come back, it might be better, time will tell.

Your friends say you have the patience of a saint…you don’t… not yet.