she's left my life has ended

[nickfromtheuk]

brue,

Wow. Where do I start!!!!

Yes I have been ugly. I have frightened myself with the intensity of the emotion I felt. I Mentioned elsewhere that I have suffered from depression all my adult life and have been very low since my son nearly died 4 years ago. Its this period that my wife and myself for that matter identify as where things started going wrong. I would have said that I probably had a huge bearing on the fact she had the affair. I HAVE COMPLTELY FORGIVEN HER. I feel no animosity toward her whatsoever. I have no negative feelings or thoughts about what she did or towards her. Depression is the inability to feel anything and my wife is depressed. Clinically depressed. She denies flatly she is depressed but she displays all the symptoms. I have no doubt that she is in mlc as well. In fact she is down right miserable. She doesn't engage with anyone in our family. Not me, not my daughter, not my eldest son only to a certain extent our youngest child Isaac. She has a complete inability to feel anything positive or negative about anything in her family life and home situation and wants to run. If anything, she needs to deal with her depression and then her anger and resentment at me and to a certain extent the children.

I said earlier that I completely forgave her and I did. I mentioned also my own depression because I did not have the ability to feel properly so my wife has been affected by depressive fallout as well as her trigger event, that being my sons close shave with death. For a clinical depressive I sure felt some intense emotions in the last 3 days so the new drugs I have been taking for 5 weeks are doing there job and enabling me to feel. The really frightening thing is the intensity of the emotions I have experienced in the last 3 days. I never knew rage was such an intoxicating emotion. It’s like smelling or tasting for the first time. I know I have forgiven her completely and I harbour not once ill feeling towards my wife. I feel nothing for the acts they carried out or the betrayal or even the terrible way I had to find out via a semen testing kit. None. None whatsoever. For someone who can feel emotions for the first time the only emotion I have for my wife is love. I have always loved her with my very being, its the only emotion I have really experienced before and that because of her beauty and gentleness.

What I’m trying to say is. I forgive her. I have known for 3 months something was going on. I read the boards and accepted I could not do anything about OM. I accepted I would only push them together. I’ve 3 months to come to terms with this and I have already done all the imagining what they did bit so I don’t feel the slightest need to go there.

I did feel such intense rage at my wife for her refusal in telling me who it was. I wanted to strangle her. I stayed up all night fantasizing about how I was going to torture the information out of her. I'm sorry but I have never experienced anything like this, ever. I could not fathom why she would not tell me and saw it as a further rejection and was enraged as well as extremely hurt she had rejected me and now she takes his side by protecting his identity. How bloody noble of her. I was absolutely enraged.

So yes I know I was totally out of order for the things I said and did. I felt terrible for days. I do feel some animosity for him though. I felt a great deal of anger towards him for chasing my wife when she was vulnerable. He is a Casanova. He does this to women. He can spot them a mile off so proceeds to wreck another marriage. I don’t blame my wife. Not at all. She is suffering from depression and MLC, and her behaviour is just a way of feeling something other than emptiness. It’s just a form of self-medicating; most mlc’s do it at some point.

The point is that although she had the affair because of the fog that’s invaded her head, THIS bloke has done this before probably many times and he will do it again. I said to her that I knew she would probably been willing to give everything up for him. Now she is slowly realizing that he used her and made a fool of her.

And there is always some provocation for us doing the things we do...........and that includes your wife. If you ever want to hear what she is really feeling and what got her to this place..........you have to leave her alone...........and........you need to learn to be kind - no matter how hurt you are.

Although I had a period of madness I have shown my wife nothing but love and kindness. I’ve told her I understand I had a role in her having the affair. I’ve told her I understand she couldn’t help it even though she knew it was wrong. I’ve told her I understand she has feelings for him and that she has to grieve.

You made a comment (which I know you didn't mean - you were all caught up in the moment) - that you wish you weren't a born again Christian so you could end this miserable life and be done with it.

Your right of course. When I was on Prozac and was waiting for the drugs to take effect, which can be up to 6 weeks I was very down. For the first time in my life I actually thought about suicide. I found myself thinking of non painful ways of doing it. I would be driving along in my van and want to cross the central reservation or drive into a wall. Thankfully apart from Saturday and Sunday I have not had such thoughts again. This is due to my new medication working.

I do have to say one final thing on the suicide thing. I am a born again Christian. My faith is based on the rock that was revealed to peter from the Father by the Holy Ghost. That revelation: that Jesus is Lord has kept millions of souls throughout history from denying their faith in the face of martyrdom. It is the revelation the Father gave me when I became a new being. It is the only thing that sustains me in my deepest moments of despair.

Even though I harboured thoughts of suicide a couple of months ago and I felt like my life had ended a few days ago I could NEVER EVER commit suicide. I couldn’t do it because it’s a sin. It’s a sin that may or may not be pardonable. The fact is I don’t know if its pardonable. Most people think it’s the one thing you cannot do. I’ve never really seen scripture that points either way. All I know and believe is that if I did top myself I would not be with my Father in heaven but would be separated from Him for eternity where the worm never dies. So don’t worry its not gonna happen. I could not do that to my wife either. I could not leave her knowing she caused the misery that led to my death. Just couldn’t do it. I love her too much.

you are in my prayers

Thank you.

Nick