I'd like to just thank everyone for the advice given so far. I cannot begin to tell you all how much you lifted my spirits today. I have felt such despair these last 2 days I thought I would die from the pain it is so intense. I was engulfed in a tidal waive of grief.
I know a few of you guys already.
Thanks Smurfey I've been trying to catch up with your thread but you get posted to so much its hard to keep up. I dont know how you do it. I always appreciate your advice as I know our situations are very similar.
Nickyf I was the first person to respond to your post. When your new to these forums it seems an eternity waiting for people to respond to your thread. You tend to look for threads similar to your own in the beginning to try and fathom out what the hell is happening in your life. When I posted to you I was quite new myself and did the whole refreshing of the page thing as you wait to see if anyone has answered you. I can be such a desperate time in the beginning trying to make friends on the board. I was not going to answer your thread because your a woman with husband in mlc and I was desperate for advice and knowledge for my situation. I kept seeing your post dropping down the pages and felt I needed to post to you to give you some encouragement. I know you have made scores of friends now.
Bworl.
I have not posted to you yet but I know your sitch from some of your threads. When I first saw your tag line I cried. Your marriage broke so quickly. I'm surprised your still hear but very glad. I don't know If I would still be hear faced with the cruelty and brutalness of your divorce. I always smile though when you say the battle has begun. You are amazing. I really admire your stand. Good luck with the fight.
BrandNewDay:
Has that brain dead husband not realize what a mug he is making of himself discarding a beautiful woman like you. He should be bloody thankful he met you in the first place. Sometimes I think my reasonableness with my wife sucks and good people only get dumped on. Well you continue to be one of the good ones. I told you this once before but you have a beautiful spirit. HE's a mug.
The rest of you guys: Thank you so much for your advice.
Nick
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
You do seem in a better position today, I am pleased.
In the words of Little Bo Peep
“Let them alone, and they'll come home, And bring their tails behind them.”
Things are happening for me over here, and I should soon be in a position to accommodate my friends and family again.
I would suggest that later in the spring, you get a “booze cruise” over here, and we shall paint the local town red. Oh! it already is in places. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
I've completely blown it today and gone 180 this evening. I have been such a bastad (sorry for the language)today. I kept up the pressure to find out his name address etc. I texted her all morning and some of the afternoon. Some of the things I have said were horrible. From whore bitch to If i find out who he is on my own I'm gonna cut his cock of and choke him with it. I said I would go for custody and fight in the courts. Everything from I'm gonna make it my life’s work to making your life hell unless you tell me to I'm going to go bankrupt so you will have to as well because we have huge dept drawn down though the private account and credit cards so she knows If I go bankrupt she will be hit for her half, which is about 16 grand. I staked her this morning arguing with her in the street. Oh Lord I've been a complete idiot.
I didn't sleep a wink last night. I was awake all night fantasizing about beating the info out of her. Strapping her to the chair. Putting a gag in her mouth etc etc.
Where did this angry monster come from. The Saturday morning after the disclosure of the affair I slapped her about the head screaming at her to tell me who it is. I even threatened to strangle her and put my hands around her throat. Thankfully I did not squeeze. I am so ashamed. I have never laid a finger on my wife never ever so why did I nearly kill her. Unfortunately my 6 year old son witnessed all of this and was begging us to stop.
I'm surprised she is still speaking to me. I know she has forgiven me because she told me and I know when she is being sincere. She seems to be full of remorse. I took my 6 year old son out last night to McDonalds for a happy meal and had a great time even though I only spent 45 minutes with him though. I suppose I have to be happy with that for the time being.
I asked her to come back home last night. I also asked her if I could ask her some questions about her affair. Said I was not fishing for info to try and work out who it is but just wanted some answers. I told her she did not have to answer all of them if she didn’t want to so she agreed. I wrote a list and said the reason I have written a list is because once you have answered my questions I will never ever bring it up again. I said I hope that if we survived, as a couple she may one day be able to talk about it and her feelings. The questions and answers were as follows:
1. How long (please be honest, I don’t care if it finished 3 days ago I just want you to be honest) did it go on for? A. September to Dec 06 (ouch).
2. Did you have feelings for him did you and do you still love him? A. Yes very strong feelings. I was falling yes did love him. Still have some feelings for him.
3. Is he married? She previously said he was divorced. A. He turns out to be married after all.
4. Have you spoken to him (told him) about the fact I know about the affair? Does he know what I look like? I said I completely understood if she did. A. No (not sure if she was lying) and no (still not sure if she’s lying).
5. Does his wife know? A. Yes but she does not know who with and does not want to know. Apparently he is in a loveless marriage just like her. His wife does not love him and has not loved him for years but is happy to stay with him for the sake of the kids.
6. Bearing in mind that his wife knows why did the relationship end and who ended it. A. WE both ended it by mutual consent as things were getting very pressured (I think they probably started taking risks and that’s how his wife knew).
7. Who chassed who? How did it start? Did he just invite you for coffee round the café? How. A. Don’t want to answer.
8. Bearing in mind you started to sleep with him in September, you must have started going for coffee’s etc a couple of months earlier in June of July. So you must have started out having an emotional affair with him. Did you know you were going to sleep with him? Was in kind of inevitable? A. Not answering question.
9. Did you take your rings off to appear available or after you started the affair? A. I took my ring off about a month before because I was wearing silver rings and I have not got a silver wedding ring.
I reminded her of a conversation we had back in October last year when the affair was in full swing and she glibly remarked that I saw the ring as a mark of ownership. I reminded her last night that a couple of years ago she would have regarded it as a symbol saying leave me alone my heart belongs to another.
I do wonder if he is so unhappy in his marriage and his wife has not loved him in years why the hell does he not move out and get a divorce. He obviously acts like a single man. I bet his wife doesn’t understand him either. What a complete and utter [censored] bag. He probably goes through several married women a year giving them the same old crap. Probably looks out and is fine-tuned to spotting women having self esteem (mlc) problems.
I have an idea who he is or who he might be. My wife told me she met him in the park and it went from there. My wife is not the kind of woman who could do that. It would have to be someone she saw regularly in a safe environment. Despite her mlc and her obsession with her appearance she is still quite shy.
Because of her abject refusal to tell me who he is must be because:
a) Its someone I know. b) It’s the other person I thought it was to which she denied it and I know where this person lives etc so she knows I would go round and have a word. c) It is one of her old flames (there were 2 when we split up in our teens years). d) It is someone she comes into contact with him every day and cannot help seeing him because he drops his kids off to the same school as our son.
I’m convinced its option d. Last night I said to her I would be OK with not knowing who it was and I wanted to make a couple of statements to which I did not want confirmation but just wanted to state a possible fact. I said I think the reason you wont tell me who its is, is because you come into contact with him every day and cant help that. I said she probably thought that because of this I would go down to the school find out whom he was, beat him up, make a scene and tell his wife (later found out she is supposed to know). I know from her response that this is the answer. She does bump into him every day. I told her that in order to prove to her that I had forgiven her I had to be comfortable in the knowledge she saw him every day, which I was as long as the affair was over.
So anyway. After this I asked her to come home. I asked her to just give things a try bearing in mind the last time I asked her to try she embarked on an affair so I never stood a chance of her opening up her heart. I said she would come back and all I wanted in return would be for her to follow some of the principles set out in a web site I like such as depositing love bank credits into each others accounts. Making time for each other and starting to have contact just the odd holding hands for a while and the odd cuddle to see how things go. Told her we just needed to honour each other as well and the feelings will come back. She obviously still does not believe they will but she may be willing to try.
I also told her that if we went forward we would have to be 100% honest in everything. I asked her is he had her new mobile phone number and she said no so I told her I would expect her phone to be left on the counter top like mine so there are no secret texts etc as hiding her phone would break down any trust I developed which she agreed to (IF SHE COMES HOME)
What do you guys think? Wish me luck and pray for me please. My wife’s name is Lorraine if any body wants to stand in the gap for her.
Nick.
Standing tall for my marriage.
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
It's alot of pressure very early in this mess. Just do NOT be surprised if she decides to not come back for now.
You are pressing the relationship with her. And I completely understand, I did the exact same thing with my wife. Didn't work for me. Once the decision to go has been made, they frequently NEED to see it through.
This is natural for you though Nick. I understand why you're moving the way you're moving with things, but if your wife is having MLC, don't expect that these rational conversations about your love for each other will lead to much.
Just don't want to see you get fired up again and lash out at your wife in anger. I would say you might get by with that once, but I'm guessing not a second time.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks for your post. You are totally right I have been violent towards her for the first time in 31 years. She says she feels so sorry and ashamed for letting the children down and destroying our marriage. She says she deserved what she got from me so not to worry about it and she honestly forgives me. I could never ever stoop to such depths again. I cried tears of shame the other day over what I did to her.
When I saw her last Sunday and Monday I was extremely gentle towards her as I have always been. Of course I begged for forgiveness and swore it will never ever happen again. Begged for forgiveness yesterday evening as well.
I hope things start to go in the right direction for you bill. I am so blessed by your determination. I know how hard it is someday s but I guess time is all of ours to heal and be renewed.
Nick
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
I know that it feels like your world has come to an end. I am 48, and life can and will be great. When you heal and come to the realisation you can do anything and everything that YOU want to do. Life is just starting for me at 48½ .
Its alright for you. I've read loads of threads on this board and its pretty clear you have most of the women on these boards under your spell!!!!
No wonder its just beginning eh!! nudge nudge wink wink !!!
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
I hate the title of this thread. Sorry Peaches it just doesn't fit you!
Quote: When I saw her last Sunday and Monday I was extremely gentle towards her as I have always been. Of course I begged for forgiveness and swore it will never ever happen again. Begged for forgiveness yesterday evening as well.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and how many times are we going to do what is in quotes above?
because If you keep doing it, she is going to go further and further away!
You know that right?
you have read the books right?
You know that this no back bone way of being is only going to make things worse for you!
And you seem pretty low now, I don't think you want to get any lower!
Soooo, um Detaching is in order here my good friend.
is it hard, you bet your ass it is!
can you do it
you bet your ass you can! and you will become an expeert at it in no time!
I did not read everything that is going on here, but I will tell you from the little I have read, if you don't change your ways. Things are not going to look good!
So i suggest, you eat your veggies, and get ready for the fight of your life!
The fight to find your inner "ROCKY BALBOA"
And you take it one day at a time.
STOP MAKING HER FEEL GUILTY, BY TELLING HER YOU LOVE HER ,AND YOU ARE SORRY, AND ALL THAT STUFF SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR!
b/c in her mind, everytime you tell her that, she is just thinking, well you should of told me all this before we got to this point!
So put your pants on tight! and your belt on even tighter!
I know it hurts lovey, trust me I do. But I am trying to help you.
You are standing for your marriage right? you want your wife back right? THEN let her go!
I know that is not what you want to hear, I know that is now what you came here looking for!
you want to read all the success stories, and all the great love stories on here,
Well they didn't come so fast to those people.
They worked really hard on themselves, before they can work on getting their marriage back.
So what are you going to do today for you sweets?
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Thanks. Its 3 days now and your right of course breathing does get better, I can feel it now. I don't have a counselor. Its not something thats freely available on the good old NHS. I asked my doc about a month ago about some cbt based counseling for my depression but he reckons this type of service is non existent in our area due to cuts and other targets. He said under the present system locally it takes 3 years on the waiting list to get decent counseling by which time a small percentage have killed themselves and a good percentage of the others have come out of their depression on their own. Fantastic eh.
HE did give me a list of local counseling services but I'll have to pay £40 to £50 per session, which I dont have.
Regards, Nick.
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
Your always blooming right!! Good job too. I don't know how to change the title I'm afraid.
he he you do bring a smile to my face. I've dug the superman belt out of the loft and believe me its tight. I brought it when I was a 28" waist and now I'm a 32. Oh the ravages of time!!! OK I figured some detachment is in order but I guess I'll have to get with the program.
Some news though........breaking news.............
Peaches here had to visit wife last night after being a complete monster for most of the day and after becoming a text stalker spewing forth vileness. Bile and vile I never knew existed. I said some pretty mean things like for example "if i find out who he is on my own AND I WILL FIND OUT WHO HE IS. I'm going to cut of his &*ck (penis) and stick it down his throat" Another one I'm not particularly proud of "You better tell me who he is or I will make it my life goal to ruin your life. I am going to go for access for Isaac and I am picking him up from school today. I don't care if I make a scene then everyone in the playground will know what a whore you are" bleh bleh.
Not me really. I've always been very gentle with my wife especially in what I say. Only ever word of encouragement never bile like that so I am very ashamed of yesterday. I allowed my emotions to run riot and my rage to escape. At times I actually felt faint.
So I to see my love (she is still my love whatever she has done) as I have arranged to take my son out. Now I went through the questions as you know from the post just alittle bit above and said to her "I am not fishing so you can look the other way whilst answering so I will just make a statement or 2" "Either he is someone you bump into every day probably one of the dads at school or its is some one I know" So she says nothing, which is what I expected.
When she moved out I gave her a book I brought her 6 months ago by Christine Schaap called bring it on about mid life crisis / transition. She always said she would read the db books etc but never did and used to get angry when I asked her is she had read them. She used to explode "I DON'T LOVE YOU AND AN F ING BOOK IS NOT GOING TO BRING IT BACK. ITS DEAD blah blah. Sunday I had in amongst the apology I had an affair because I don't love you any more. Any waysy Christine signed the book to her, which was nice and I suggested when she left she take the book with her.
Blow me down with a feather she has read some of it. Baby step or what. Another baby step coming up. I downloaded some material about holding in anger, withdrawing, resentment and forgiveness because whenever we talk I tell her she has not forgiven me for the last 4 years, which were bad in our marriage. I read them (parts of them) to her and she asks for them when she leaves to go home.
Baby step no 3. Also when I spoke to her today I kind of tricked her into revealing her affair was with one of the dads at the school. Nasty I know but I wanted her to realize I could find out who he is and still not do anything to hurt him, his business, his property or family. So I said "I don't understand you said his wife did not love him". "How long has she not loved him and does he love her"? "No he doesn't" she says and "they have not been in love for 4 or 5 years". So I say (where I confirm he's one of the dads)" how did she find out? Did one of the other parents tell her" I know very sneaky of me and she fell for it hook line and sinker. " No" she says "she found a text message on his phone".
I can see her mind ticking over saying [censored] silently I've told him where to find him.
So she says his wife-- "She made him promise to stop the affair" "Oh" I say. You said he only stayed in the marriage for his kids right!! So if he has not loved his wife for 5 years and she not him, how can she demand he stays celibate? Surely you must realize he was lying when he said this was his first affair. If they have a marriage with no love why does he do what she says if he was finding happiness with you. You must realize surely that he's probably done this before and will do it again soon with another vulnerable woman.
I love her so much but I could see her pain a clear as day as the penny dropped and she conceded she was probably played all along by someone skilled in seeking out women in transition or crisis. Bastad. She did look sad. She had genuine feelings for him. SO as part of baby step no 3 I show her a brilliant post from Forty Sixty something entitled Diary of an affair in which a woman details how she fell madly in love with another man an discarded all her feelings for her husband believing she no longer loved him. Her husband also writes his side of the Story. They are both as happy as pigs in muck now. Whilst they wish the affair never happened they are thankful it woke both of them up.
So to cut a long story short I think bay step no 3 was huge for her and opened her eyes. She left asking me if she could take the material with her saying she wanted to spend a couple of hours reading through the stuff on resentment, repressed anger and forgiveness.
YES.. .. .. .. .. ..
OOH lissett why do you have to be one of smurfys babes as well. I've seen the post where you and the other babes get jealous with PeteDM got a bit confused with his sexuality
Nick
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
Quote: I decided today that i would write an email to H saying sorry for all the things i had done in the past, and how blah blah blah, then i send it WHY????????????????????????
Nick
We all beg and plead, in the beginning, it does not work. They loose respect in us, and they cannot love someone who they do not respect.
If you want evidence that you will get through this, that things will get better, read Lissets thread around March 2006, and compare her postings then, to the one above.
She is one hell of a woman and has come such a long way. You will also.
.. 