Nick - my h was so hard and cruel that I felt as if my heart would break. Now, 16 months post bomb I see a terribly damaged human being. I have survived - it wasn't easy, and held our family together. My h is starting to come out of the crisis - not at all sure if he wants our marriage, but wants my friendship. Healing will take a long time, but the cold cruel stranger has largely gone away. She knows the hurt she is inflicting on you, but if she acknowledged it, it would overwhelm her. The OM is a band aid, and you must not obsess about him. Snodderley suggests puting an elastic band around your wrist and flicking it everytime you think about him. he isn't worth your passing thought. What kind of man has an affair with another man's wife?
All the advice you hear about GAL, and taking care of yourself is true, and doubly true. When your wife comes out of this she will need the people she loved to be healed and whole, not damaged, as she will be.
If you have religious faith, get in touch with God.
Without being presumptious, I really do understand what you are going through. This tears at the inner core of your being. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't make it your final address. Grief is a process, from wich we emerge strengthened and healed, if we do it right.
