Well she finally became a waw. Not only is she in mlc its also turns out she betrayed me as well. I told her I was not a fool and I know she was seeing someone, which she finally admits. She was seeing him when I took her on holiday to try and fix our marriage last october. She refuses point blank to tell me who he is.
She moved out Saturday morning with my little boy. I'm at home with the other 2 children.
I feel like my life has ended. I did all the dbstuff. Stopped talking about the relationship 180's etc but she still left. She left me 8 months ago really in spirit. The only thing I am to her is the father of her children. She says we never talked about us over the last 8 months but she never would and I stopped et al Dbing rules but hse's gone anyway. She was just waiting, biding her time.
I dont know what to do. I feel so helpless and alone. I've been with my wife for 31 years since we were kids. She is all I know. I'm 41 and I feel like the end of the world has come. IT has taken me all my strength to write this when all I feel like doing is laying down and going to sleep for a month but is will all still be here wont it.
What do I do now. Please help me. I just dont know what to do.
Nick.
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
You know what, sweetie? She was gonna leave anyway...no matter what you did or did not do. Sometimes they gotta do that...just let her go and you will be surprised how her being out of the house will be better for you and your kiddos.
So take a deep breath, sweetness, and be ready for what the day brings. It will hurt for a while...but one morning you will wake up and you will be thankful that she has left to spin, spin, spin in her crazy world. here is your big chance to make changes for you...for your kids. remember, this is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about HER. She has to go through this for whatever reason...don't even ask why because there are no easy to find answers... all of us have been there or are going through it right now. She is gonna try to change your history and blame EVERYTHING on you...but it's only becuase she is in a fog and everything is upside down.
Your job is to be there for your kids...to be there for YOURSELF. Now is the time to do things for yourself and your kids...you must be the lighthouse for your W and the rock upon which it stands for your children.
YOUR LIFE HAS NOT ENDED...this is just another chapter, albeit, not a fun one...but in time, you will see the opportunities this "break" from her and her madness will afford you.
Please come back often and tell us how you are doing...
Hugs, Valentine
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
She sent me this text. "I am so sorry Nick i guess i thought you wouldn't find out and that maybe we would continue plodding along making no demands of each other"
This was after I went to see her at her sisters house. I keep asking her who he is and she refuses to tell me even though she says it ended just before Christmas. She said she ended it but who knows. When I spoke to her Friday night she denied she had or was seeing someone. HE gave her a diamond L shaped pendant, which she hid in her purse. She expected me to believe she found it until finally admitting he brought it for her.
I just cannot believe her capacity to lie. It just rolls off of her tongue like its the gospel truth. I found out she was having an affair 2 months ago when I saw a large semen stain in her underwear. Even when I showed her the positive semen test I did on the stain she denied it. Said the test must be wrong.
She says she is sorry for the hurt she has caused me but she sill maintains our marriage was crap for 20 years. She's rewritten our history to exclude me from any happy times she has had.
To start with she insisted I would not be able to get over her affair so our marriage was dead in the water and then moved onto the there is nothing left routine when I told her I had started the procees of forgiving her 2 months ago when I found out. She just uses any excuss so she can be free and single again.
I just feel so alone. I am a born again Christian and she was once. I could never kill myself because I love my Lord more than anything and I could not do that to her and my children but it just makes the pain even harder to bear. I wish I was not born again sometimes then I could end my miserable existence and pain.
Nick
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
I've never posted to you before, but I've read your posts..I'm so sorry to hear that your wife has moved out...and I'm sorry to hear that you are in such much pain. I feel for you, I really do, many of us here, know that pain you're feeling, the one that hurts so much, you wonder why it actually doens't kill you ....
HOWEVER....there is a light...although now you might not see or feel it, you will slowly get better, you will find peace now that your wife has left the house...time for you...time to let your emotions out as well, as they do need to be experienced...I would suggest that you have as little and short possible contact with her for a while...this will help you heal in a miraculous way ! I also did this for 6 weeks after H told me about OW. I missed him terribly, really I did, but it was the best way to go through my own emotions without having to deal with his...and with HIM.
I hope you will feel better today...you are in my prayers...and don't forget that when life is really hard and painful, God lifts us up and helps us along the way, he really does, let him...put your faith in him !!! Believe !!!!
Love Cinders xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I have woken up this morning to your awful news, I am so sorry it has come to this.
You posting has really effect me, as it has brought a tidal wave of emotions and memories, of where I was some 12 to 18 months ago. But believe me, when I say that you will get through this, and life will get better and better.
Quote: She says we never talked about us over the last 8 months but she never would and I stopped et al Dbing rules but hse's gone anyway. She was just waiting, biding her time.
Be assured that all the talking that may or may not have taken place in that time would not have altered the outcome. The MLC’er have formulated plans, and must see them through. As you know my wife has not yet left, this has been due to circumstance not DBing. Whilst she has warmed slightly, I know that for her to come back, she has to leave first.
You know this relationship will not last, it will burn itself out, if you let it. Then your wife’s eyes will be opened to the life she left behind. You are all she knows.
In away I envy you, whilst the pain you are experiencing now is so intense, as Cinderellaman has said, you will have time and space to heal.
Quote: She moved out Saturday morning with my little boy.
I am also sorry she has torn the family in two; it is not only the hurt they cause to the spouse, but the collateral damage to the children. I suspect her choice of taking your boy, is that at 6, he would not be judgmental of her actions, whereas the others are of an age to form their own opinions and apply unwanted pressure.
Quote: I'm 41 and I feel like the end of the world has come.
Ooh! You young whipper snapper!
I know that it feels like your world has come to an end. I am 48, and life can and will be great. When you heal and come to the realisation you can do anything and everything that YOU want to do. Life is just starting for me at 48˝ .
Quote: She refuses point blank to tell me who he is./quote]
I find this secrecy fascinating. My wife has had all sorts of advice, from people. Constantly saying “My friend says …this, My friend says …that”. Yet, where are all these friends?, she is never out with them now, and they never phone her. What I am trying to say here is, treat this as an adolescent thing.
Interesting that if she wanted a divorce so badly, then naming the guy, in a divorce petition for adultery, surely would assist in her achieving quicker her “brave new world” . She, like my wife, still need to feel connected to us in some way.
Quote: To start with she insisted I would not be able to get over her affair so our marriage was dead in the water
Heard similar – ignore it.
Marvellous the conclusions and assumptions they jump to. My wife said the other day, when I said for the first time in months/years that I did not want any of this, “surely you do not feel anything, now”. They really have no clue as to the pain they cause, not only to me but the children, who have lived this nightmare daily since she told them of her intentions some 18 months ago.
I start this post to the effect that I envied you, and the unfortunate situation that you find yourself. Living this limbo, that my kids and I have, is not healthy. You have put up with it for 8 months, now you have the time and opportunity to heal. Take that time and use it.
Take care Nick, stiff upper lip, and all that crap.
My situation has gone down hill. The is a lot of bad feeling between myself and wife over her refusal to tell me who he is. I just cannot get through to her that I just need to know. She refuses point blank saying it wont do me any good or it wont help etc. This has driven me crazy and I have been an absolute monster over the last 2 days. I threatened to stalk her, take my child back from her. Go bankrupt so the other half of our depts follow her. Basically I've threatened to ruin her life unless she tells me who it is and she still refuses. I dont know why she is trying to protect this jerk. 31 years down the drain. She insists she does not love me is not going through a mid life crisis. DOES NOT LOVE ME period. No future period.
She wont even exchange 31 years for his name. bitch... Sorry I'm in a very strange place at the moment. My head is spinning.
me 41 her 40 kids (3) 19, 16 and 6 married 20 years, together 31 years since childhood
bomb Aug 06, affair started june 06 and still going on
Nick, one week into my separation from my W, I can say that whilst it's very hard, at least I feel like I can breathe again.
It is natural that you are focusing on trying to find answers e.g. who he is, but try not to obsess too much over it. I have found seeing a Counsellor helps. Do you have one?
For her to not divulge the name. She is either embarrassed as to who he is. Feels it will open unwanted conversations. Scared of the possible repercussions.
For you, What benefit? So that you can stew, simmer and visualise more.
You know from your reading she will have down traded. He will not be half the man you are. Take comfort in that.
Let it go. Put the thoughts out of you head. I know easier said than done, but do not give them the head room.
I just want to post you and tell tou how sorry i am for the pain that you are going through. I think you were the very first person to post to me on the Newbie board. My husband too refused to tell me who he was seeing and it was only through my own snooping did i find out that it was actually someone who came to our wedding. What i am trying to say here is that in the end it actually made me feel even worse knowing who it was, and i really gained nothing from it.
My husnad as also left, been 4.5 months now and he actually moved in with OW over the weekend. Someone pointed out to me on this board that it may be a blessing that they move in together because they will truley be spending alot of time together and the newness of the relationship will wear off quicker. Now that your wife has left, even though i know it hurts you deeply, will be better for you in the long term, because firstly it will alow you the time and space you need to become the independent and strong person you need to be and secondly i think your wife needs to go on this journey to resolve her issues and realise that OM is not what he is cracked up to be.
I want you to think about what you have said to your wife these last couple of days and ask yourself is this a person that she is going to want to come back to or are you just pushing her toward OM. I am saying this because i have also done some backsliding and let me tell you it does not work. My husband is far more responsive when i am upbeat and acting as if everything is just fine. Now that your wife is not living with you it will give you the opportunity to become more myserious, this will drive her mad.
I dont know if what i am saying is going to help you and maybe others will have better advice, just want to let you know that i am thinking of you.
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
If I've learnt anything from this whole situation is that we must stay strong and focus on us because whatever happens in the future we've got our whole lives ahead of us - preferably with our WAS!
