My husband and I have been married for 13 years and together for 14 years. Just before Christmas he confessed to me he had been having an affair for 3 months. I convinced him to stay and it seemed to be going well. The guilt was eating at him and he was missing the OW. It is very apparent that he is confused and not being rational. Jan 4th he took his clothes to stay with her at her apartment. At first it was I love you but I have made my choice. It does seem that some of the fog maybe lifting because he is now having to drive 30 miles to see his kids and I can tell that neither of them are happy with the situation.I want him to come home and I am having trouble with being patient. He told me he thinks about it all the time.
Quote: It is very apparent that he is confused and not being rational.
If only they could admit that to themselves.
I wish I had something more constructive to add, but I only just found out about my H's OW a couple of days ago, and ever since he's been running and hiding and ignoring me so he doesn't have to explain himself, so I'm kinda not in my right mind at the moment.
Everyone here is feeling your pain.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Have you read the Divorce Remedy yet? If not, get it and read it as soon as possible. You will find a lot of helpful information on this board too.
The first thing you need to know is, you can do this. It takes TONS of time and patience, but you can come through this knowing that you are capable and worthwhile and beautiful.
Well, patience is the key. Also, your marriage will be better if he reaches a point where he's absolutely certain he wants you and the kids (no fence sitting!). Give him time and space and focus on you right now. Have lots of fun with the kids, take photos (so he can see what a great time you guys are having!), look fabulous, have a comfortable home, go out with girlfriends, do 180s and GAL!!!! When he's around smile alot and be a great listener, ask non-personal questions about work and other stuff (avoid anything remotely OW). Be generous and kind in a "friend-like" no expectations way.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
SLM, I am going through a situation much similar to yours. My H left in Oct. I found out about OW in Dec., although he didn't admit until Feb.
Sometimes he acts like he wants to work on us and other times he says he wants a divorce. He first mentioned divorce in Oct. and a couple of times since then, but he has not filed. The last time he mentioned it was because I probably pushed too hard and we got in a big argument. But just a week later he was at the house again helping me in the yard. I saw him 3 times that week. I just try to detach and not call him unless it is absolutely necessary. I did invite him over for Easter and that went okay. I just try to include him so that he doesn't miss out on major things with kids. When we first separated I just sat around thinking of reasons to call him. I definitely pursued. Now I am much better. Just try to stay to stay busy with kids if you have them)and friends and family. My H isn't home yet, but I'm still hoping. Patience is very hard, but it all we can do right now. Be kind and friendly to him without smothering him.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
GAL, look pretty each time and be casual and relaxed w/him when he comes, no meaninful glances. Find yourself again, be that strong assertive girl you were before you met him, find your independence.
About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further
An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.
With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman.
What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing. Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last long.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
