Resentment, anger, betrayal....you are all very familiar with that list.
We have all been there, for some reason it almost seems 'comfortable' in a way because it gives us justification not to face what happened, and accept that 'my spouse cheated on me', the whole it'll never happen to me syndrome-which applies to way more situations than this as well. I wrote in another thread about how cheating spouses are in essance running away, call it escapism. Conversly, the betrayed spouse that is stuck in the whole list of emotions above, and like you said Greg cannot let go, are also flirting with escapism. It's easier than facing that "it happened to me" and also, "my marriage is not perfect". I also got a valuable piece of advice on that other thread that brought up the fact of unrealistic expectations. That one really describes me, I knew our marriage was not perfect-I was not that unrealistic, but I honestly never thought he'd do that. I told H before he left for overseas that I was not at all worried about him cheating-that I KNEW he would never do. So....did I give him "free license" or what? (rhetorical question....)
I also agree that those must be let go of. True healing of the marriage will not occur without it. I am trying very hard to put myself in his shoes and feel what he was feeling, both before and after A, even though he will not tell me-which makes it all that much more difficult. I said in another thread that I wanted more empathy from him...one way I can get that is to show more. Isn't there a saying about getting more flies with honey?!
Nikki, I do have to agree with you too. We are total products of our environment and upbringing. Of course there are exceptions to that rule, and it certainly DOES NOT justify an A. My H came from D even tho his parents got remarried (had his older brother, divorced-remarried, had H and one more...next month they celebrate 50 year anniversary-no other details known so I'm not sure how it factors in). In my case, my parents are totally devoted to each other. Got married because I have an older brother (lol) but say they would have anyway-and I believe that. They are as much in love as ever and are certainly NOT without their problems, but they work together. They are a great team. That was my example. Fidelity above all else. Committment is not just until you find a better model.
Like you said again Greg, there is no perfect fit, and every relationship is different, I mean, just look at the level of diversity in this country (world...). But in my endless search for how this could have happened to me-so we can fix it-move on, and NEVER deal with it again (i.e., another A)-I am frustrated that it doesn't fit neatly into one or even a combination of common 'themes', I made the mistake in the past of assuming I knew what he felt...I don't want to go there again, but what choice do I have if he won't TELL me? I know, I know...patience right?
I know I must be patient and also be happy that we are together. And please don't get all my sniveling wrong, I am extreemely happy...matter of fact, I'm going on a date with a hot man (H of course) tonight and I will NOT have to cut up 2 plates of food first before I eat, NOT correct table manners every third or fourth bite, and NOT have to worry about 'potty words' at the table (youngest son's favorite word lately is butt-thinks it's HYSTERICAL!)...we're going out ALONE. Yippee! Then we are spending the night together ....ALONE... double Yippee!
I appreciate all the insight...and I will NOT be thinking anything but happy thoughts tonight! I will be exactly who H wants to be with....me-his wife. (course, looking as good as I plan to look-and hopefully a few appreciative looks from other men will help too!!)
