Hi! I've been on reading now for about a month and have had one phone session with Laurie. I'm in really bad spirits tonight and was wondering if anyone could help so I can finally get some sleep!? Trying to get in to talk to Laurie tomorrow but haven't heard yet. Here's my deal:
MAY: Living in a beautiful house with husband, D8, D5, 2 dogs and the perfect neighborhood with family and friends nearby. Somewhat rocky marriage the last couple of years due to finances and my husbands demanding job and him never being home. However been madly in love with him since we met 13yrs ago. Married 8.
JUNE: Husband gets job transfer to another state and says that he has put his career on hold long enough because I never wanted to move and he is taking this promotion whether I go or not! We put the dream house up for sale, have to get rid of the dogs and Daddy moves away while I stay with kids and sell house. Girls and I are devestated!!
JULY: I go meet him in other state 3 times to look for houses. My visits there are strained due to me not wanting to move and I start suspecting there might be OW!
When I get back after last visit sure enough at home I find a receipt for flowers and other proof that there is someone else. A 21yr old girl-husband is 36! She worked with him at his job in our hometown. I confront him on all of the evidence and he says they are not having an affair but an "inappropriate friendship" she supported his career-I never have, she listens to him. BLAH BLAH AUGUST: I say I want a divorce due to this. He flies home and begs to me for 3days to move to new state with him - he can't live without me! SEPTEMBER: Girls and I move there and as soon as we get there he has an attitude with me. I ignored it and got kids in school, unpacked, decorated and the kids and I fell in love with our new surroundings! OCTOBER: 3WEEKS after being there he decided he wasn't happy in this marriage and hasn't been for a long time we should get seperated. So kids and I move back home - girls and I devestated again!! Now we live with my parents! To this day kids don't understand why we had to move we told them it was better that we went home while Daddy finished his job in other state, slim chance he may move back home in a year. No home of my own and he seemed just fine when we left even drove the moving truck back while we fly home! Oh how nice. NOVEMBER: His best friend confirms to me that yes he is seeing this 21yr old slut! I confront my husband over the phone and deny, deny, deny! I even found out she went to visit him there - in my bed!! He denies this also!! Next day I file for divorce! I still want him after all of this, why because he is MY man and I love him even for his faults of course family and friends do not get this - just forget about him they say. So November is spent with me crying, begging, pleading. He calls kids everynight and sends messages or calls frequently at this point says he misses us, still loves me but we just don't work together. He also visits twice this month both times we ML, I think we are on the right track then he backs off again. Also lots of phone fun if you know what I want. Pretty sure each time he comes to town sees HER, but have no proof. I feel pathetic! DECEMBER: He visits early in the month, the later for our 1st court date, which he missed because "he went to the wrong court" WHATEVER!
DEC.22 - I can't take it anymore have huge fight about Xmas and I stop talking to him. Then suprise, suprise he shows up at my parents house at 6am with presents and spends the whole day w/ kids and I. At this point I am so proud b/c I am practicing DB and its working!! When he leaves I say thanks for coming and talk to you later! He called ME on his own everyday after that! I always got off the phone first and acted busy - it was working all of the sudden he was wondering what I was doing! THEN I BLEW IT!!! 2 WEEKS AGO: He sends me a tm at work saying he is in town for the day had to go to his doctor (I don't believe him) says he wants to see kids and I and can I take him to airport in am? I should have said it wouldn't work out but I wanted to see him so bad it ended up that I met him at his mom's that night and stayed the night with him! It was amazing just like old times! Of course I got my hopes up and he completely backed off in the am and hardly said anything on the way to airport. SO- the last 2 weeks have been me crying, begging, pleading and calling, texting and basically pushing him as far away as I could! He has told me that maybe in the future we can maybe be together again but we need to go through with divorce because I am never going to change and everytime I don't get my way I do this. I know what I did wrong - why can't I stop myself. Now I am back to square one I just can't go without hearing his voice! I want my husband back. Please help me get control - is there still hope for us?? What do I do I can' eat or sleep and I'm losing it!!
Quote: Please help me get control - is there still hope for us?? What do I do I can' eat or sleep and I'm losing it!!
It's hard when they keep waltzing in and out of your life. Giving you hope, then dashing it, giving it, dashing it, giving it, dashing it. It's a very familiar pattern to all of us who have been through this.
The trick is not to get your hopes up when you do see positive behavior out of him. Act "as if". This could take a long while to sort out so don't read to much into anything he says or does. Just because he talks D, doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it.
I can rest your mind over one item and that is the younger OW. No matter how much he tells you she understands this or that about him, it's crap! Believe me when I tell you he's not seeing her for her wisdom, understanding, or emotional support. There are needs she's not going to be able to give him and that's where your advantage is. I say this because I've been there and done that. He's not thinking about a future with her so get her out of your mind.
Try to find a way to bleed off some of this anxiety your feeling. Read a book, exercise, take a hot bath, do something nice for yourself. Don't let the thought of him consume you.
There's always hope and there is proof of that on this site.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thank you so much for replying!! That makes me feel better - this is such a long, lonely road its helps to talk to people who know exactly how this hell feels!
I wish you the best and thanks for the much needed advice!
Quote: My first post was last night and it does help to get it all out. Can someone please read it and let me know if you think H is having MLC? He says it that it is because of me that we can't make M work! Why does all the blame always go on me? I spent our whole M taking care of him and kids and loving it. I probaly did take him for granted and now he is gone - lives in another state can DB work long distance?? Why can't I stop thinking about all of the good times and he says he can't remember many?? Are we all here because we were the rejected ones? They made the call and left so they are the ones in control right? How do people survive this pain it just takes over every part of your life? Any encouraging advice that would make me want to see this thing through? He is the love of my life and now we have 1800miles between us! How do you get past that? My girls and I miss him SO much!! HELP!!
I've posted your post on the knew thread above. First I'm going to ask that you to stick to one thread until it locks or almost locks--8-10 pages. I will post this and then begin writing a reply...that way this original thread will bump above the other thread.
First, I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like you are going through a very hard time, and we all can sympathize.
You haven't posted too much as to why you think your H is in MLC, although I'm not sure that matters so much right now as far as your side of the story goes.
One thing about your first post really caught my attention. About ML--I know you know that having sex has little or nothing to do with committed, mature, love, and it definitely does not for most men. As I read your post, it sounds like you thought he was re-commiting to you when you ML. IMO, nothing could be further from the truth, except in a marriage that is already very mature and going very, very well. This "exception" leaves out most of us currently posting on this BB, sigh.
I think it is entirely up to you and your emotional condition whether or not you continue to have sex with H, but I'm concerned that are you confusing it with anything except what it is. And it sounds like it might be upsetting you and giving you a wrong signal.
Sounds like you have a good handle on how to DB otherwise, and all I know is to keep DBing, keep posting, pray for your H and work on yourself!
I re-read my own post, and worried I was a little unclear. I believe for most of us sex is an essential part of a mature, loving, committed relationship. I also believe sex can be fun just for its own sake. Sadly, sex can also be used as a power play, and a drug. I just wanted you to be sure you knew what it was standing for for you, right now.
HI! Thank you for your reply! Regarding the MLC, everything he has said and done is completely opposite of the guy I know. His finances are a mess, he acts like he could care less about kids and I, his friends are all younger than him and not married, his dad died a year ago and he says his #1 responsibility is his job! Maybe I just want it to be a MLC so I can explain it away. How do you begin to climb out of this hole? Life will never be the same again and that is what I can't handle. About the ML thing, we always had it great in that dept. , so foolishly I was thinking if we still did that when he was in town he would miss me more. I just wanted to be close to him. Not hearing his voice everyday is a killer! When do the tears stop?
The tears stop when they stop, and sometimes that can be a long time. MY IC told me to just allow myself to cry whenver, then stop, and do the next thing I need to do in my life. Long term marriages take a long time to grieve, if they were worth anything.
About your life never being the same. No, it won't. But that doesn't mean it can't be better than it was. Different, yes, but not necessarily worse. That is why you will see so much advice on this BB to work on yourself, to GAL, and to grow.
At this point in the process it sounds like you have a Drop-In. Some MLCers leave completely for long periods and never contact or only contact for necessary business. There is a distance between you now and he still Drops in!
That is not good or bad, simply an observation of the type of MLCer you have. It means that if you choose to Stand, you may have more of a rollercoaster ride through all phases than the LBS of a Dropout. In many ways it is more challenging due to this, but at the same time the contact can be a relief relative the Dropout's no contact.
You filed for divorce and do not want a divorce. If you can halt the process, do so. But otherwise, stop doing anything to push it through other than what you must legally.
You know your husband is having an affair. There is no need to discuss it with him...and if one of you does bring it up end the conversation by stating matter-of-factly "we both know the truth so denying it is stupid." or something like that...and then refuse to discuss it further. He may try to have the last word after that...but you are no longer paying attention because it is futile...you've just told him that line of discussion is futile...he's to stop playing you for a fool with his obvious behaviour.
Next...NO SEX. He's having an affair with something that may have been doing this with others...no one knows. YUCK...there's the disease factor, but there is also the inappropriate factor. Show respect for yourself by refusing to sleep with him while there is an OW.
And sex does not precede testing or an attempt at returning. I say an attempt because sometimes they return multiple times...Sweetheart came and left six times--three were 2-3 months, the others were a week or so. He is not allowed to have sex with you outside of a marital commitment. This isn't about church and whether someone should have sex before marriage or not...it's about you already being married.
Quote: They made the call and left so they are the ones in control right?
Yes & No. He is in control of his own life...though right now he's technically out of control. You are married, but still two individuals. Take back control of your SELF. You should always have that...and he should have it for his SELF.
So let's look at a few of your specific questions
Quote: He says it that it is because of me that we can't make M work! Why does all the blame always go on me?
First, none of us are perfect...we all have made mistakes in our marriages. Learn to recognize those, apologize for them and change. Why does he blame you? This is called projecting...almost all of them do it. There are things about himself he doesn't like and is at this point unable to face--what is making this an ML-CRISIS is that he is running from those things rather than accepting and integrating or releasing them. Since he cannot face these in himself, he projects them onto you. Ex: He's not insane, you are.
MLCers need a lot of validating...but that doesn't mean you agree with or accept the blame. MLCer: "I hate you." LBS: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
You are validating the feeling. MLCer: "I'm never coming home." LBS: "I understand." optional addition "I didn't say you were."
MLCer: "Everything in my life is your fault."
There are a few options here...be light and take credit for having great kids...his great job, house etc.
You can also "I'm sorry you feel that way."
But I recommend adding on "You know that is not true."
Notice I said "You know" not "I THINK you know." You are stating an inarguable FACT. He doesn't have to accept it...but by stating it as a fact it enters his mind...his subconscious where it can grow to belief...over a LOOOONG period of time. The key is that you need to be consistent in this...state a fact and show that you belief it...no maybes.
Your MLCer gave you a big clue...Sweetheart did it and many others have done it too.
Quote: He has told me that maybe in the future we can maybe be together...
They say this as a truth of the moment sometimes and at other times to get us off their back. They usually don't want to give false hope...but if the begging and crying is just too much at times...they just want to shut you up. And he did add
Quote: ...again but we need to go through with divorce because I am never going to change and every time I don't get my way I do this.
Notice those last words...he FEELS controlled. You do something to get what you want and it works because he gives in. Whether this is an accurate reflection of reality or not isn't the point...this is a FEELING and it thus needs validation.
Begging and Pleading don't work for a number of reason...one is that it may be seen as a ploy--not real, but a trick to get your way.
The other negative is that it shows weakness--needy desperation. An MLCer is wrapped up in selfishness and extreme guilt regarding his present behaviour. He cannot handle the extra burden of another needy person. He doesn't have the strength to take care of himself, thus how can he have the strength to take care of someone else on top of that? LBS weakness further saps the reserves of strength the MLCer needs to help himself.
OWs are notoriously weak strength sappers. So why do they leave you for someone who is needy? In the beginning the OWs neediness may be hidden because she is finding strength in your neediness. Eventually her colours will show through...and he will stay with her...Why?
Look at you...you are also in your weak phase so soon after bomb drop. You are crying, depressed etc. He gave you umpteen years. Men are fixers...and after all this time he failed at fixing you...so now he has a new person with whom he has not failed.
Notice the play of opposites? He cannot handle other people’s weaknesses as his burden...but goes to a weak OW. He needs to focus on himself but also wants to be needed...he wants to be the OWs Knight in Shining Armour.
In the beginning this scares the LBS because she then thinks...I want to get strong, but that too may drive him away.
What needs to happen is you change and grow for YOU and your daughters. Like Mary's lamb, your MLCers will follow.
In the end he will want the person that is strong and who doesn't rely on him for her own happiness. You need to gain that realization and confidence in yourself now. It will scare him and he may retreat. But you need to find consistency through strength and peace. And this takes time.
Quote: I spent our whole M taking care of him and kids and loving it. I probably did take him for granted and now he is gone - lives in another state can DB work long distance?? Why can't I stop thinking about all of the good times and he says he can't remember many??
You are reacting normally to this rollercoaster. You need to step away and figure out how to detach. MLC takes a VERY long time. So those touch-and-goes...they are normal, but they do not mean he is coming home...YET. They are just little clues and moments of truth.
Sometimes an MLCer may know that all those times were not bad...he simply needs an excuse to leave. And if he makes you mad enough you will either react and justify his actions, or you will give up.
At other times he really cannot see anything good--ion the past or the present. This is what depression does to a person.
Quote: Are we all here because we were the rejected ones?
No. Most of us are hear because we have a spouse that is MLC--there are a few MLCers that post who have returned or are now trying to return to their marriages...some of their spouses are now MLC. We are the Left Behind Spouses, but we are not what our MLCers are rejecting. They are rejecting and running from themselves. This is not about you. Your husband is broken and he needs to get away so he can fix himself...you cannot fix him. And while this is going on, you also have an opportunity to fix yourself. This is a journey for both of you...accepting and embracing it makes it more rewarding in the end.
Quote: How do people survive this pain it just takes over every part of your life?
By accepting it. You cannot get over your pain, you must go through it. You survive by finding out who you are and embracing that person. Find friends and hobbies. Find new or return to former passions.
Pray and meditate to help find peace and then to maintain that peace. Read about MLC just enough to give you a foundational understanding of the crisis...and not so much that it overtakes your life and you analyze EVERYTHING. But you will go through those analysis phases too....and we are here to guide you through.
You mentioned that you had not moved because you had not wanted to and that seems to be one of the excuses he finally used for leaving. You did move and ended up loving it...
Why had you not wanted to move and been so adamant about it? This is another thing where he felt held back and /or controlled.
Whether you are sorry or not, at some point you need to apologize...not for your actions, because what you are apologizing for is that he FELT controlled or held back. This is tough because you need to learn to read him for when the time is right for this sort of thing.
My little brother was the one who told me that Sweetheart felt that for me babies were more important than he was--we don't have children yet. I had not even seen my brother for 9 years at that point...how did he even know that?
But I tried it. Sweetheart's love language is quality time. So one day he called me and in that conversation I apologized..."I'm sorry you felt babies were more important than you. Yes, we both want children, but I want you more." This resulted in a primal scream from his end of the phone...you told me to just give you a baby and sign away the rights. And this was true...Sweetheart dropped the bomb by using kids as his excuse...for that last year he'd been the one talking about starting more than me...but he said he didn't want them ever...and figured that would make me do the dirty work and leave him. It was only in the first two weeks...and crying and desperate I did say that...at least I would have a part of him, and have a child...and good chance he wouldn't choose to sign away the rights. I wasn't trying to trap him--the OW tried that tactic later--but I so want children. I apologized.
Then I apologized for not spending quality time with him. I said I wouldn't spend all our camping time under a tree reading, writing and editing manuscripts. I would jet ski with him. Another primal scream..."I have receipts for camping trips I took alone." Okay a bit overboard...he chose to go alone a few times when I either was working or was away at school...he was excited to go alone for some space. Often he returned cold and lonely not even having stayed overnight....and receipts...they would show nothing about the number of people...and who keeps those anyway? But I validated. It was obvious from having received two primal screams in a single conversation that I'd hit some major issues/nerves.
After a conversation like that expect nothing...good or bad. HE needs to process things, and in MLC they may take months or years to process...or do so overnight. Or m ore likely they will process and stops and starts...Sweetheart processed that conversation and either that evening or the next morning I could tell he'd processed a lot...but this was still very early in the MLC tunnel. It didn't mean he could skip stages...and he as deep in Replay with the OW relationship having gone physical maybe that week--this was June 2005.
So after that sort of thing you just have to sit back and wait. This really is a waiting game. I found peace in myself and my personal passion...and also in my MLC research...I believed what I read about the time and processing and that he would come home. Believing that with no doubts gave me a lot of confidence...so much so that I took risks and learned not to fear his anger or backslides.
I would try something to see if it worked...and didn't consider those that didn't work as backslides...I new he would recover and forget.
It takes a while to get to that place. You have a Drop-In, so as you need it we will discuss boundaries with you. Drop-Ins love eating cake...when that becomes a problem for you, let us know and we'll talk about what you need to do...since this post is already long and perhaps overwhelming.
Ask us whatever you want and we will do our best to answer and help.
No ultimatums for MLCers. They will take you up on them...and if it isn't something you want to carry out or something can't or don't plan to carry out...you've weakened your position.
