I think Men that go through this same process whether it's midlife crisis or whatever are influenced by what they perceive in their mind as something wrong with their life.
That would seem to be true in my case. My H just turned 29, and I believe he's in MLC of sorts and has decided that the old life (ie: me) is what was wrong, so he wanted out so he could better his life.
In our case, H was overweight when we met, and when we got married. He'd been in great shape in highschool, but after that he kinda let himself go a bit. Anyway, over the last year or so, he got himself healthy, (and I helped him out by starting to cook interesting and healthy foods, which was a great new hobby I really enjoyed, which I no longer do), he dropped a whole lot of weight and gained a whole lot of muscle and energy. He was a whole new person.
It was a massive change in his life, but evidently he didn't think that that one change was enough. All of a sudden he felt capable of doing more, he was more confident, and he saw me as being the good old ball and chain holding him back. He was now more outgoing, but I was still quiet and introverted. He was supporting us both financially, and had credit card debt, so he just saw me as a money pit, digging him further in debt, (actually, this past week, he mentioned in an email that he was still losing the battle with paying off his credit card...I suggested that if he'd been taking the money he used to spend on rent and groceries (he's now living with his parents) and put it on the credit card, surely that would consistently chip away at it....I got no response to that). He was now more eager to be more sexually active, and I still had a low libido.
I was what was wrong with his new life, and was probably a constant reminder of the years when he didn't feel great about himself in a physical sense. He spent months convincing himself of that "fact", until he got to a place where he believed there simply was no salvaging the marriage. So he left, and roughly 3 months later, he's already with someone new, (a fact I only found out last night).
As far as the whole biological clock thing goes, I can tell you that since H left, MY biological clock has started ticking outta control. We hadn't had kids yet, but probably would have been starting family in the next few years. Now I'm pushing 30, (turn 29 in Feb), and am on my own. I have no desire whatsoever to be with anyone else anytime soon, and I'm not the sort of person who will jump into having kids with someone I've only known for a year or so. Biologically speaking, I just don't have the time, so am now faced with the prospect of never being a mother.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Ophelia, I'm sorry about your discovery (OW). It's a hard pill to swallow.
Your H is probably thinking he's a rock star now with the positive changes because he's living like one with the credit card debt and OW. That lifestyle has a way of burning it's self out. He's eventually going to wake up and realize he's living with his parents at 29 years old. That should motivate him to get his financial affairs in order and eventually realize the mistake he's made.
You stood by the "old" him and he will think of that sooner or later.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thanks for the support Astimegoeson. I started another thread on here which has the brief paragraph he included at the end of an email, revealing the OW. He followed it with, "Have a good weekend." Hilarious!
As far as I can tell, since he moved out, he's been spending very little time alone. He's always got something on with friends. His mum has told me that they hardly ever see him. They leave his dinner on the kitchen bench each night, but he gets in so late that he doesn't feel like eating then, so he'll just take it to work for lunch the next day.
He went out on this great big new journey of self-discovery, and yeah, I'm pretty sure he has been living the rockstar life. I doubt he's had much time on his own to actually sit down and think about what he's doing and what he's done.
As for his debt, that won't get any better anytime soon, because he's planning on going to Africa to climb Kilimanjaro on his 30th birthday, (he decided months ago that he wanted to do it before he turned 30), which is in Oct of this year, and he'll have to take out a huge loan to pay for that.
Quote: You stood by the "old" him and he will think of that sooner or later.
I'm standing by the "new" him as well. He knows full well that I haven't given up on our marriage. He may be treating me like crap right now, but I realise that he's going through a big life change at the moment, so he isn't acting like the man I know he really is, and the man he really wants to be.
I'm telling myself that I just need to wait it out and he'll eventually start to come to his senses. It just sucks not knowing how long that wait is gonna be.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Some of what has been said here I agree with, some I don't. I will say that when I turned 30 I kinda freaked out and had a bit of a MLC. I don't think it was biological or mental. Instead I think it was a mismatch between the two.
I always had an idea in my head about where I would be in my life by 30 and I realized I was not even close. I thought I'd be farther along in my career and had hoped to have written a book by then. Also, I guess some may attribute it to biological clock, but I wasn't worried about being able to become a mother. I was worried about not having the chance to do the crazy things you're supposed to in your 20s before I became a mother. I think part of the problem was that I met my H at age 23 so I feel like I missed my chance to travel, take risks and be spontaneous and irresponsible.
Before my H's first A, I was very nearly a WAW. I felt very unappreciated and ignored by my H. And I felt like he didn't having any interest in understanding what I was going through. Eventually I came out of it and realized that I'm probably not going to get to do everything I want in life, which is a horrible thing to have to accept. Anyway, as I came around, my H's dad died (and then his granddad died) and he went into a tailspin and had two As.
I'm really not sure what point I'm trying to make. I guess it just goes to show that there is only just so much stress people can take before they'll start acting crazy. The 30s is ripe for this because there is so much to get done in that decade of life--get a house, have kids, advance your career, start to realize your parents are getting old--and you have to say goodbye to your youth and start acting like an adult.
I started another thread on here which has the brief paragraph he included at the end of an email, revealing the OW. He followed it with, "Have a good weekend." Hilarious!
