He said he's seeing someone new

[Ophelia]

It's about to pass midnight here and he hasn't called yet. I'm so *&%^$@! angry right now, I wish I had a spare set of plates to smash or something.

You know what's really rich? Back when we were still communicating on a regular basis, and he was all, "the marriage is over" and everything, he said he would be willing to face the consequences whatever they may be if we broke up. So now he's made the decision to start having a damned affair, and as a consequence, he should be at least willing to face up to what he's done. But no. He just ignores me instead. Facing up to the consquences my ass! He must know that what he's doing is wrong, and he must be feeling like crap about it, otherwise he wouldn't have any problem talking to me about it if he didn't feel he'd done anything wrong, right? That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.

Ophelia, you ask the same question so many of us ask... Why? You've already answered some of that question by looking at yourself and realizing you may have had problems communicating affectively with him. This is good that your willing to take responsibility for your part in this. He's partially responsible as well, but he's probably not considering his part in this now, otherwise he would be showing some remorse.

I've taken ownership of everything I did to contribute to the state of the M. Everything from my poor communication skills, to my low libido making him feel rejected. At the time, I didn't realise the serious impact these things were having, but once I realised it, I owned it, and asked for a chance to make those things right. All I got back was, "too little, too late".

There may be questions you won't get answers to. I'm still asking questions myself after 18 months, but I'm resigned to the fact I may never get them, but that's OK, closure is still possible for me.

Right now, I'm only interested in the basics. Who she is, (so I at least know if it's someone I know) and how long they've actually been together. Of course, I'd dearly love to have all my questions answered, but right now, those are the ones I'm fixated on. The ones that are making me feel sick to my stomach wondering about.

I did everything I could do to save my marriage and I'm sure you have/will do the same. That will give you some peace of mind when all is said and done.

I most definitely will try it all. I'm committed to my marriage til the bitter end. That's one thing I've said to him. He thinks we had plenty of time to try to get it right, and by that he means the several months after that first counselling session. I flat out told him that that was a crock, because even though he didn't move out, he did throw himself into anything and everything that would keep him out of the house most of the time. We've barely tried anything save this marriage, which is why it pisses me off so much that he's just fine with throwing in the towel and living with the regret, and wondering if things could have gotten better. If we'd really tried, I daresay I wouldn't have been quite as angry when he finally left.

Your H isn't going to be able to "write off" 10 years. You left a mark on him that he'll eventually have to reconcile with. He's just going to take his issues into a new relationship.

I've said that to him as well. If we've got all this still unresolved between us, then how does he expect to have any kind of productive relationship with someone else in the future? He just thinks I'm over reacting.

Logically, I know that he must still feel a part of me in his life, because as you say, you really can't just write off 10 years with someone. We're a part of each other whether he likes it or not, and whether we're together or not, we always will be a part of each other until our dying day. I just get the feeling that he's working overtime to try and forget me, and those 10 years. He doesn't want to remember any of the good. I guess if he has to put effort into ignoring me, that must mean I'm not easily forgettable, but the fact that he wants to forget, just kills me.

I'm a strong believer in what goes around, comes around and he's eventually going to feel the pain he's dishing out and when that time comes, he'll have to deal with it and realize what he's done to you.

Here's hoping my old buddy Karma can hit a home run with that one. I hate to be thinking this way, but I hope one day he hurts the way I am now.

What you said in your posts (and I did read them all - where's my cookie?) sounds very, very familiar.
I just cracked after 10 months and asked my H a lot of these questions - you might find it interesting to read (over on Surviving the big D)

*tosses flip a cookie* Thanks, I'll head on over and have a read.

I dunno what I'm gonna do tonight. Part of me wants to take a deep cleansing breath so I can gain my composure, then try calling him and speaking to him calmly, if he even answers the phone. Part of me knows I shouldn't bug him anymore about it tonight. Part of me knows that I won't be able to sleep or eat, (I've barely eaten anything today because everytime I try, I feel like I'm gonna throw up again like I did last night because my stomach is in such knots) until I get my questions answered, and the thought of waiting until tomorrow to speak to him is just something I can't wait out.

I really doubt that he'd answer the phone if I called him. It'd probably go straight to voicemail so all I could do would be to leave him another "please call" message, which would be pointless, because he already knows I want him to call. I could always try the landline to his parents' place, but that would wake them up when the phone rings, and hell, he may not have even gone home tonight and could be snuggled up next to OW right now. Maybe when I sent him the txt asking to call me when he got home, no matter how late it was, he decided that he just wouldn't go home, so then he wouldn't have to call.

*tears out her hair* I seriously feel like my head is gonna explode right now. I'm so glad I can come on here and vent.