He said he's seeing someone new

[Ophelia]

I tried calling him at his parents' place just before. His mum said he was out, and they weren't expecting him back until late tonight, she wasn't sure what time, (he'll no doubt be hanging out with OW right now and for the rest of the night). She agreed with me that it's something he has to talk to me about, so she said she'd let him know that I'd called, and she told me to look after myself. I'm meeting her for lunch on Wed.

I sent him one more txt message, asking him to please call me when he gets home, no matter how late it is, because we really need to talk about this. I haven't gotten a reply. I assume it's not good form to reply to txt messages from your wife when you're hanging out with your girlfriend.

This may get long, so I apologise, and I applaud anyone who bothers reading it. I just need to vent my anger over this before I speak to him.

H and I met a bit over 10 years ago. We're both almost 30. We've been together for one third of our lives. How does someone just switch that off, and move on to someone new in the matter of a few months? I don't get it. How cold hearted do you have to be to act like that?

Not only is it a slap in my face that he's not interested in saving our marriage, it's a slap in the face of my family.

We were married in the same church my parents were. This was also the same church my grandad (thank God he's not alive to witness what's happening now, I can just imagine how disappointed he'd be...he lost his wife quite young, and stayed faithful to her until his dying day, and he lived to be almost 90) worked at as a priest for many years.

I'd considered having our wedding outside. It was spring, afterall, and in our city, in the spring, there are hundreds of jacaranda trees in bloom with thousands of light purple flowers on each tree. I adore the colour purple, so I love jacarandas, and I love that time of year, so I really liked the idea of getting married under a jacaranda tree in full bloom, with the little purple flowers randomly raining down on us.

But ultimately, I decided, in honour of my late grandad, and of my parents, I would be married in that same church. I feel that by dishonouring our marriage, H is also dishonouring my parents' marriage, and my grandad.

I took 4 buttons off my mum's wedding dress and sewed them onto mine. When we had kids, I planned to give the buttons to our daughter or new daughter in law for them to sew onto their dress as well, and so they'd become the "something old" tradition, passed down through generations of our family.

Now those buttons are tainted, and it makes me sick to think that something from my mother's wedding dress has been sullied in such a way. I'm sure that sounds like an over reaction to many people, but it means a lot to me.

Quite a while ago....don't remember exactly how long....probably almost a year ago....H said he thought we needed to see a counsellor. I agreed, but when it came down to actually going, I was a sobbing mess before we even left the house, and H ended up going on his own. I said I couldn't let him just go on his own, that wasn't fair, but he said he could see how upset I was, and that he didn't want to make it any harder on me.

I'm not one for talking about my feelings much. Never have been. That doesn't mean that I don't show people that I love them, I just do it through little actions, moreso than words. That lack of communication is what ultimately led to the breakdown of our marriage.

When we first met, we met online, so we got to know each other as friends initially, by typing emails to each other, instead of actually talking face to face. H has said that he thinks that's a major problem. That we just never progressed to the different type of communication. Even when we'd argue about something, it would usually be resolved via email, rather than talking it out.

After that first counselling session, he said that the C had said that even if we do just communicate through letters, that that was still better than not communicating at all, so we should keep doing that. And we did. Many things were laid bare and talked out via email over the following months. I thought things were getting resolved. I thought things were getting better. Then he moved out, and he told me that via email, too.

He'd been away for about a week in a different city. The night he was supposed to come home, he didn't. It was getting late, and I was getting worried. I checked my email. "So, I guess this is it," read the subject line of the message. He'd gone straight from the airport to his parents' place and has been there ever since.

After that, we did go to some counselling sessions together, with the same C that H had originally seen. We had about 4 sessions, and then H decided it was pointless to go to any more, because as far as he was concerned, the marriage was dead and there was no saving it. I got DR in the midst of these counselling sessions. I told him about the book, which in hindsight, may have been a mistake, because it just makes me look like the desperado trying to hang on even more, and we all know that desperate isn't attractive.

I'm thinking of going to a counselling session myself in the next week or so, if only so I can curse out loud to someone and vent my anger over my husband having an affair.

Thing is, I'll bet he doesn't even consider it to be an affair. In his mind, he's no longer married to me. He hasn't worn his ring since he moved out. I noticed it was missing when we were waiting to go into our first joint counselling session. I haven't told my parents that he's stopped wearing it, yet. He sent me a form to change the name on the phone account, (all the bills were in his name), and he addressed it to my maiden name. I was so offended that I haven't bothered to look at the form.

So in his mind, he's not married, so he's not doing anything wrong by "moving on" with someone new. He won't see himself as an adulterer. He won't see his girlfriend as a skanky little homewrecker with no self worth. I'm sure his friends haven't treated either of them badly. In fact, I suspect that perhaps the OW is someone from that group of friends anyway. I'm hoping to get an answer to that when we finally get to talk about it. His buddies, (people I also considered friends) are probably patting him on the back for getting on with his life now that he's gotten rid of the ball and chain, and probably compliment him on his fine new catch. Just thinking about that makes me sick to my stomach.

What happened to the kind, compassionate man I fell in love with? How did he get so cold? How did he get so heartless? How can he just write off our 10 year history as though it never happened? How can he have so little integrity? It breaks my heart, and I desperately want to ask him these things, and ask him to really look at himself and question whether that's the kind of person he really wants to be. Someone who can rip out my heart and stomp on it, and take so much away from me without showing any real sense of remorse. Does he really want to be that person?

But I know that I can't ask him those things, so instead I just have to wait, and hope, and pray...and oh Lord how I prayed last night after finding out about the OW!

Why can he not see that things can be better, and better than they were before? Why is he being so gutless as to take the easy way out and ignore me and trying to forget that I even exist?

You know, in the midst of all our email discussions, he said that he thought I needed "professional help". IE: he thinks I'm so mentally and emotionally dysfunctional that I need a full on psychiatric evaluation. Maybe he should trying taking a damn look in the mirror!

OK, that'll do me for now. *hands a cookie to anyone who bothered to read that whole thing* I'm sure this all sounds way too familiar to everyone on this site. Why can't they just see, and believe, and value us, themselves, and our marriage vows enough to do the brave and right thing and fight to make things better?

Why?