He said he's seeing someone new

[Ophelia]

Well, I can now officially start reading this particular section of the forum on a regular basis because WAH is officially seeing someone else.

We'd been emailing each other about various things this week, none of it relationship related, and then he tacked this onto the end of an email he sent today....


Hmmm, not quite sure how to say this, so I might as well just say it.
I've actually started seeing someone recently. Main reason I'm telling
you is that I'd rather you found out from me directly rather than
someone we both know letting it slip. It's obviously not something you
wanted to hear, and I had no idea it'd happen this soon but anyway.

Have a good weekend.


I'm actually kinda glad he added the "Have a good weekend" after he dropped that bomb, because it did make me laugh.

To be honest, I've had a feeling he might have been seeing someone else for a few weeks now, because he did tell me that he spent New Year's Eve at the movies...seeing "The Holiday". Date movie much?!

Oh, and when he says he didn't expect to meet someone new so quickly, to give you a sense of the timeframe, he only moved out about 3 and a half months ago. Right this very second, I'm finding solace in the fact that whoever she is, she's totally a rebound thing, so it isn't likely to last.

I know I shouldn't harp on about the OW when I'm speaking to H, but I couldn't not say anything. So I sent him a couple of txt messages. I asked if she's anyone I know, and asked if we could talk about it sometime this weekend, adding that I would do my damnedest to stay calm about it and that I'm gonna be less likely to totally freak out if I can know a bit more about it all. I also said that I'd like to talk about it sometime this weekend if possible, because I may very well be having lunch with his mum on Monday, and don't want to feel the need to bombard the poor woman with questions about it all.

I'm yet to receive a reply to my messages. Considering it's Friday night and after midnight, I may not have gotten any responses because he's currently in the company of OW. Won't that be a lovely image for me to deal with for the rest of the night, considering that needless to say, I won't be getting any sleep!

I haven't cried since reading the email. I'm shaking like a leaf in a gale force wind, but I haven't cried.

And so begins the toughest battle of my life....and I was already thinking that things couldn't really get much worse.

[Ophelia]

Well, so much for the no crying, and you can add puking to the list as well. I did manage about 4 hours sleep, but now of course I'm up again and don't know how to get back to sleep. No response from H yet, but it's still early in the day, so who knows.

I went and wrote down a bunch of things I wanted to say to him, not the really nasty stuff, more like just letting him know that I don't consider this a deal breaker, and as far as I'm concerned the OW may as well not even exist...stuff like that. I've since re-read a couple sections of DR though, and have decided not to read him the letter as I'd originally planned. It won't change anything, in fact, could only potentially make things worse, so I won't waste my time.

I do still want to know the basic who/what/where/when though. It may not be wise for me to ask those things of him, but if I don't, then I'll just go literally out of my mind wondering.

There is one person I feel I could talk to about this. One person who I know has been in virtually the same position. About 6 years ago, she discovered that her husband was having an affair. He wasn't apologetic in the slightest, believing he was doing nothing wrong, but she was determined to save her marriage and stuck with him. It was only when she suggested that they stay together but have an open marriage that her husband decided he didn't like the thought of her having a boyfriend, and that was the turning point for them. I know it still affects her to this day, even though she's not blatant about it. I know she would know what I'm going through, and would be an ideal shoulder to cry on.

One problem though, this woman is my MIL.

I can just imagine how disappointed she must be that her son is doing the same thing her husband did. Back when FIL's affair happened, and H saw how utterly destroyed his mother was, he vowed to never become his father. Hmmmm. Indeed.

I know she'd understand exactly what I'm going through right now, but considering who she is, I guess I can't really go there, can I?

[Ophelia]

I tried calling him at his parents' place just before. His mum said he was out, and they weren't expecting him back until late tonight, she wasn't sure what time, (he'll no doubt be hanging out with OW right now and for the rest of the night). She agreed with me that it's something he has to talk to me about, so she said she'd let him know that I'd called, and she told me to look after myself. I'm meeting her for lunch on Wed.

I sent him one more txt message, asking him to please call me when he gets home, no matter how late it is, because we really need to talk about this. I haven't gotten a reply. I assume it's not good form to reply to txt messages from your wife when you're hanging out with your girlfriend.

This may get long, so I apologise, and I applaud anyone who bothers reading it. I just need to vent my anger over this before I speak to him.

H and I met a bit over 10 years ago. We're both almost 30. We've been together for one third of our lives. How does someone just switch that off, and move on to someone new in the matter of a few months? I don't get it. How cold hearted do you have to be to act like that?

Not only is it a slap in my face that he's not interested in saving our marriage, it's a slap in the face of my family.

We were married in the same church my parents were. This was also the same church my grandad (thank God he's not alive to witness what's happening now, I can just imagine how disappointed he'd be...he lost his wife quite young, and stayed faithful to her until his dying day, and he lived to be almost 90) worked at as a priest for many years.

I'd considered having our wedding outside. It was spring, afterall, and in our city, in the spring, there are hundreds of jacaranda trees in bloom with thousands of light purple flowers on each tree. I adore the colour purple, so I love jacarandas, and I love that time of year, so I really liked the idea of getting married under a jacaranda tree in full bloom, with the little purple flowers randomly raining down on us.

But ultimately, I decided, in honour of my late grandad, and of my parents, I would be married in that same church. I feel that by dishonouring our marriage, H is also dishonouring my parents' marriage, and my grandad.

I took 4 buttons off my mum's wedding dress and sewed them onto mine. When we had kids, I planned to give the buttons to our daughter or new daughter in law for them to sew onto their dress as well, and so they'd become the "something old" tradition, passed down through generations of our family.

Now those buttons are tainted, and it makes me sick to think that something from my mother's wedding dress has been sullied in such a way. I'm sure that sounds like an over reaction to many people, but it means a lot to me.

Quite a while ago....don't remember exactly how long....probably almost a year ago....H said he thought we needed to see a counsellor. I agreed, but when it came down to actually going, I was a sobbing mess before we even left the house, and H ended up going on his own. I said I couldn't let him just go on his own, that wasn't fair, but he said he could see how upset I was, and that he didn't want to make it any harder on me.

I'm not one for talking about my feelings much. Never have been. That doesn't mean that I don't show people that I love them, I just do it through little actions, moreso than words. That lack of communication is what ultimately led to the breakdown of our marriage.

When we first met, we met online, so we got to know each other as friends initially, by typing emails to each other, instead of actually talking face to face. H has said that he thinks that's a major problem. That we just never progressed to the different type of communication. Even when we'd argue about something, it would usually be resolved via email, rather than talking it out.

After that first counselling session, he said that the C had said that even if we do just communicate through letters, that that was still better than not communicating at all, so we should keep doing that. And we did. Many things were laid bare and talked out via email over the following months. I thought things were getting resolved. I thought things were getting better. Then he moved out, and he told me that via email, too.

He'd been away for about a week in a different city. The night he was supposed to come home, he didn't. It was getting late, and I was getting worried. I checked my email. "So, I guess this is it," read the subject line of the message. He'd gone straight from the airport to his parents' place and has been there ever since.

After that, we did go to some counselling sessions together, with the same C that H had originally seen. We had about 4 sessions, and then H decided it was pointless to go to any more, because as far as he was concerned, the marriage was dead and there was no saving it. I got DR in the midst of these counselling sessions. I told him about the book, which in hindsight, may have been a mistake, because it just makes me look like the desperado trying to hang on even more, and we all know that desperate isn't attractive.

I'm thinking of going to a counselling session myself in the next week or so, if only so I can curse out loud to someone and vent my anger over my husband having an affair.

Thing is, I'll bet he doesn't even consider it to be an affair. In his mind, he's no longer married to me. He hasn't worn his ring since he moved out. I noticed it was missing when we were waiting to go into our first joint counselling session. I haven't told my parents that he's stopped wearing it, yet. He sent me a form to change the name on the phone account, (all the bills were in his name), and he addressed it to my maiden name. I was so offended that I haven't bothered to look at the form.

So in his mind, he's not married, so he's not doing anything wrong by "moving on" with someone new. He won't see himself as an adulterer. He won't see his girlfriend as a skanky little homewrecker with no self worth. I'm sure his friends haven't treated either of them badly. In fact, I suspect that perhaps the OW is someone from that group of friends anyway. I'm hoping to get an answer to that when we finally get to talk about it. His buddies, (people I also considered friends) are probably patting him on the back for getting on with his life now that he's gotten rid of the ball and chain, and probably compliment him on his fine new catch. Just thinking about that makes me sick to my stomach.

What happened to the kind, compassionate man I fell in love with? How did he get so cold? How did he get so heartless? How can he just write off our 10 year history as though it never happened? How can he have so little integrity? It breaks my heart, and I desperately want to ask him these things, and ask him to really look at himself and question whether that's the kind of person he really wants to be. Someone who can rip out my heart and stomp on it, and take so much away from me without showing any real sense of remorse. Does he really want to be that person?

But I know that I can't ask him those things, so instead I just have to wait, and hope, and pray...and oh Lord how I prayed last night after finding out about the OW!

Why can he not see that things can be better, and better than they were before? Why is he being so gutless as to take the easy way out and ignore me and trying to forget that I even exist?

You know, in the midst of all our email discussions, he said that he thought I needed "professional help". IE: he thinks I'm so mentally and emotionally dysfunctional that I need a full on psychiatric evaluation. Maybe he should trying taking a damn look in the mirror!

OK, that'll do me for now. *hands a cookie to anyone who bothered to read that whole thing* I'm sure this all sounds way too familiar to everyone on this site. Why can't they just see, and believe, and value us, themselves, and our marriage vows enough to do the brave and right thing and fight to make things better?

Why?

[Astimegoeson]

Ophelia, you ask the same question so many of us ask... Why? You've already answered some of that question by looking at yourself and realizing you may have had problems communicating affectively with him. This is good that your willing to take responsibility for your part in this. He's partially responsible as well, but he's probably not considering his part in this now, otherwise he would be showing some remorse. There may be questions you won't get answers to. I'm still asking questions myself after 18 months, but I'm resigned to the fact I may never get them, but that's OK, closure is still possible for me. I did everything I could do to save my marriage and I'm sure you have/will do the same. That will give you some peace of mind when all is said and done.

There's not always an answer to every question or an explanation for the negative experiences in our lives. Some things just happen for no reason that's clear to us.

Your H isn't going to be able to "write off" 10 years. You left a mark on him that he'll eventually have to reconcile with. He's just going to take his issues into a new relationship.

I'm a strong believer in what goes around, comes around and he's eventually going to feel the pain he's dishing out and when that time comes, he'll have to deal with it and realize what he's done to you.

[flip]

Hi Ophelia

What you said in your posts (and I did read them all - where's my cookie?) sounds very, very familiar.
I just cracked after 10 months and asked my H a lot of these questions - you might find it interesting to read (over on Surviving the big D)

[Ophelia]

It's about to pass midnight here and he hasn't called yet. I'm so *&%^$@! angry right now, I wish I had a spare set of plates to smash or something.

You know what's really rich? Back when we were still communicating on a regular basis, and he was all, "the marriage is over" and everything, he said he would be willing to face the consequences whatever they may be if we broke up. So now he's made the decision to start having a damned affair, and as a consequence, he should be at least willing to face up to what he's done. But no. He just ignores me instead. Facing up to the consquences my ass! He must know that what he's doing is wrong, and he must be feeling like crap about it, otherwise he wouldn't have any problem talking to me about it if he didn't feel he'd done anything wrong, right? That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.

Ophelia, you ask the same question so many of us ask... Why? You've already answered some of that question by looking at yourself and realizing you may have had problems communicating affectively with him. This is good that your willing to take responsibility for your part in this. He's partially responsible as well, but he's probably not considering his part in this now, otherwise he would be showing some remorse.

I've taken ownership of everything I did to contribute to the state of the M. Everything from my poor communication skills, to my low libido making him feel rejected. At the time, I didn't realise the serious impact these things were having, but once I realised it, I owned it, and asked for a chance to make those things right. All I got back was, "too little, too late".

There may be questions you won't get answers to. I'm still asking questions myself after 18 months, but I'm resigned to the fact I may never get them, but that's OK, closure is still possible for me.

Right now, I'm only interested in the basics. Who she is, (so I at least know if it's someone I know) and how long they've actually been together. Of course, I'd dearly love to have all my questions answered, but right now, those are the ones I'm fixated on. The ones that are making me feel sick to my stomach wondering about.

I did everything I could do to save my marriage and I'm sure you have/will do the same. That will give you some peace of mind when all is said and done.

I most definitely will try it all. I'm committed to my marriage til the bitter end. That's one thing I've said to him. He thinks we had plenty of time to try to get it right, and by that he means the several months after that first counselling session. I flat out told him that that was a crock, because even though he didn't move out, he did throw himself into anything and everything that would keep him out of the house most of the time. We've barely tried anything save this marriage, which is why it pisses me off so much that he's just fine with throwing in the towel and living with the regret, and wondering if things could have gotten better. If we'd really tried, I daresay I wouldn't have been quite as angry when he finally left.

Your H isn't going to be able to "write off" 10 years. You left a mark on him that he'll eventually have to reconcile with. He's just going to take his issues into a new relationship.

I've said that to him as well. If we've got all this still unresolved between us, then how does he expect to have any kind of productive relationship with someone else in the future? He just thinks I'm over reacting.

Logically, I know that he must still feel a part of me in his life, because as you say, you really can't just write off 10 years with someone. We're a part of each other whether he likes it or not, and whether we're together or not, we always will be a part of each other until our dying day. I just get the feeling that he's working overtime to try and forget me, and those 10 years. He doesn't want to remember any of the good. I guess if he has to put effort into ignoring me, that must mean I'm not easily forgettable, but the fact that he wants to forget, just kills me.

I'm a strong believer in what goes around, comes around and he's eventually going to feel the pain he's dishing out and when that time comes, he'll have to deal with it and realize what he's done to you.

Here's hoping my old buddy Karma can hit a home run with that one. I hate to be thinking this way, but I hope one day he hurts the way I am now.

What you said in your posts (and I did read them all - where's my cookie?) sounds very, very familiar.
I just cracked after 10 months and asked my H a lot of these questions - you might find it interesting to read (over on Surviving the big D)

*tosses flip a cookie* Thanks, I'll head on over and have a read.

I dunno what I'm gonna do tonight. Part of me wants to take a deep cleansing breath so I can gain my composure, then try calling him and speaking to him calmly, if he even answers the phone. Part of me knows I shouldn't bug him anymore about it tonight. Part of me knows that I won't be able to sleep or eat, (I've barely eaten anything today because everytime I try, I feel like I'm gonna throw up again like I did last night because my stomach is in such knots) until I get my questions answered, and the thought of waiting until tomorrow to speak to him is just something I can't wait out.

I really doubt that he'd answer the phone if I called him. It'd probably go straight to voicemail so all I could do would be to leave him another "please call" message, which would be pointless, because he already knows I want him to call. I could always try the landline to his parents' place, but that would wake them up when the phone rings, and hell, he may not have even gone home tonight and could be snuggled up next to OW right now. Maybe when I sent him the txt asking to call me when he got home, no matter how late it was, he decided that he just wouldn't go home, so then he wouldn't have to call.

*tears out her hair* I seriously feel like my head is gonna explode right now. I'm so glad I can come on here and vent.

[Ophelia]

Forgot to mention in my last post that I read our horoscopes in the paper just before.

Mine: If you've taken a knock lately, you're probably confused. Fortunately, you should have a better vision of what you're meant to be doing.

His: Emotional issues override what little diplomacy you possess. Be conscious of what and why you've said something before a therapist bills you for the same exercise.

Does whoever wrote those know us personally or something?! Well, apart from the bit about me having a better vision of what I'm meant to be doing, unless that's referring to my ever stronger resolve to remain committed to my marriage no matter what.

Well, it's almost 1:30am now. I haven't tried calling him. With any luck he isn't sleeping well because he's thinking of me. I'll leave it til tomorrow night, (well, technically tonight), and if he still hasn't called, then I won't be holding back no more.

Now I've just gotta figure out how to get through the next 24 hours, (for starters).

[Ophelia]

OK, so I couldn't wait til tonight. As soon as I got up, I sent a txt to his mum, asking her if he was home yet. I said I'd send the txt to him, but know I'd get no response. She said he wasn't home yet, but she thought he would be this afternoon.

I replied to that with a rather harsh message about how he should grow the hell up and call me because he can't just tack onto the end of an email that he's having an affair, then run off (probably to her place) and hide instead of facing up to what he's done.

I then sent her another txt, apologising for being so harsh, but that I was more hurt and angry the longer he ignored me, and that I deserve better than that.

I then called H's phone, and he didn't answer (SHOCK!) but I left him a message saying that last night I was prepared to talk calmly, but the longer he ignored me the more angry I was getting, but we WERE going to talk about this TODAY, so could he grow a pair, be and man and call me when he gets home from wherever he is.

All this bugging him is no doubt making me look like a nagging bitch, and assuming he is at the OW place, I'm sure she's been comforting him through the ordeal of having to deal with his annoying wife. So I may just be making things worse, but right now I really can't help it.

I hate dragging his mum into this. Through this whole separation ordeal, I haven't said anything bad to her about her son, because I know it's not fair to drag her into the middle of it. It's especially not fair to drag her into it now, because it's probably dragging up all the emotions she went through when she found out about her H's affair years ago. I love that woman like she were my own mother, and I hate hurting her by getting her involved in this, I just don't know how else to get through to him if he won't contact me himself.

I'm thinking of actually calling his mum to apologise right now.

[Ophelia]

So I did go and call his mum. I apologised for dragging her into it, but said that he won't listen to me, and the only person I can think of that maybe he will listen to is his mother.

I said that before we separated he said he was prepared to face the consequences, whatever they were, and now he's just tacked onto the end of an email that he's having an affair, then he runs and hides from me for the whole weekend so he doesn't have to face up to it.

She asked me if he'd actually used the term "affair" in the email. I said of course not, because the way he's justifying what he's doing is by telling himself the marriage is over. But we are still married, so yes, he is having an affair, whether he's willing to admit it or not.

I blurted out with a certain amount of venom that he'd probably spent the whole night at her place, and he probably did that because I sent him a txt asking him to call me when he got home, so he probably figured if he didn't go home, he wouldn't have to call.

She said that she wasn't sure where he'd spent last night, but I may well be right, and that he does quite often spend the night at different people's places.

She said she was pretty sure he had OzTag, (a form of touch football) training this morning, and she said she'd definitely speak to him when he got home because she agrees that he does owe me an explanation. She said maybe we should hash it out in a counselling session. I said that would be fine by me, but I don't know that H would be interested.

She didn't sound at all angry with me, which is good. I think that having been there herself, she can understand what I'm feeling right now. At the same time of course, she wants to defend her son, so she's really in a tough situation.

I don't like badmouthing H to her, but at the same time, I think it's important that she realises just how badly he's treating me, because I'm sure she doesn't get the same side of the story from him.

To be honest, I want her to know the truth and be disappointed in him, because I think that if his mother (who he loves to death) is disappointed in him, that may be a wakeup call for him.

[Ophelia]

Just got a txt from him. And I quote:

Our marriage officially ended 4 months ago. There is nothing to discuss. We are never getting back together. Please don't contact me anymore and don't upset my mum. You need to move on with your life.

So I called his parents' place and when his mum answered, I just said, "Put him on the phone". She swore to me he wasn't there. I said I'd just gotten a txt from him, then read it out to her. She said she'd sent him a txt, but hadn't spoken to him, but as soon as he gets home, she will. She said that obviously we do have something to discuss. She said that I'm not annoying her, so she's not sure where he got that from. I said that I was sorry to be so blunt, but he was absolutely disgusted when his dad was doing this to her, but now he's doing exactly the same thing and he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. She seemed to agree with me on that one.

I am SO MAD right now, words can't even express it!