In honor of our tenth wedding anniversary, H took me along on his 2-day work trip. I must admit, before we left (he didn’t say where we were going), I entertained all kinds of romantic possibilities…but I managed to keep my expectations centered on reality, and we enjoyed some quiet, alone time, sharing his life on the road. It’s always interesting to me to tag along when he’s working and get a glimpse of life from his perspective.
A couple of very important things happened on the trip. First, I became aware that OW1 is still in contact with H regarding personal things (they work for the same company, but in different states). My gut is telling me that though he says it is over with her, and I had thought it had been for quite some time, she is still into him. I don’t know what his interactions are with her, but I think this answers part of the “why isn’t he moving home” question. I read on another site once, about the grieving period the betrayer experiences at the loss of the OP…that it lasts at least several months, and that if/when any contact is made that period resets to minute one. Regardless, he has not been up front about any of this. I just kind of stumbled on to the information. Not snooping, it just fell into my lap.
The second important thing was how I reacted to being thrown back to square one myself. When it first hit me, I just wanted to pass out, but I kept my cool, and calmly discussed it with him. He answered my questions rather vaguely (I wish my mind were 10 x faster—I have to really digest and process things before obvious conclusions are reached…sometimes it takes a few hours, sometimes it takes a day or two). I tried to keep them to a minimum. Here’s why: whether he did it a year ago or six months ago or yesterday, it is simply what it is. The situation and my responsibility in it is not changed one bit by that information.
So though the feelings of hurt and devastation and panic were nearby, threatening to destroy our time together, I actually felt peaceful and happy. I felt calm and almost completely in control of my emotions. When my mind started to wander, I quickly turned it back to the positives:
Fact: He has not been to her city in six months. Fact: He HAS made his decision. The adversary is not going to simply stand by and let him walk scott-free back into a virtuous life—he’s going to try to tempt him and distract him and blur the issues. So if he backslides, it doesn’t change the fact that he wants our family. Fact: He is physically affectionate with me again for the first time in a few years. Fact: He invited me along on his trip. Fact: He calls home to check in and is a little more open (most of the time) and seems to enjoy being around us. Fact: He frequently talks about future plans involving me and our family.
I know that he’s watching more for my negative responses than my positive ones. And I hope I didn’t make it seem like I was obsessing when I asked one final question about the sitch with OW1 (about 18 hours after the revelation). When he said, “you’re just jealous”, I said, “it’s not that I’m jealous. I realize that this (situation) is what it is. I accept that. I just want you to know that I strongly prefer to have you be up-front and honest about it than not.”
