My H and I feel like we are at an impass. I cannot seem to put the images of him with the OW out of my head. It is especially bad when I think of intimate moments - just talking and cuddling and of course when we get close to ML. We haven't ML in a very long time - he is afraid of the emotional drain that it takes on me and I am scared of the images - the OW is the monster under the bed and I can't even slay her or scare her off.
I've know about about my H's A for almost a year and a half. He finally admitted the PA about 4 and a half months ago. At first I thought I could get through it and be the master of my own happiness but the images remain and paralyze me.
We both enjoy each other's comapany and we both SAY we don't want to D but I am starting to believe that we would be better off sas 'Just Friends.' That's how we started 25 years ago.
He places a HUGE level of importance on sex in a relationship and he says he's almost desperate sice it's been so long and since he can't count on frequency or consistancy. I was also reminded a few days ago that he told me that a lack of sex in our M was one motivation for his A. He failed to remember that at the time he was working in another state so physical closeness was nigh impossible. Oddly, the OW also lives in our hometown so he would come home on the weekends and be with her.
Telling me that he is almost desperate about our lack of ML seems almost like an implied threat. I don't think he meant it in that way since he is NOT a cruel person, but I felt it anyway.
So do I fake it and act 'as if' in order to keep him here and keep the peace? I don't know. It's so hard for me to let him have any physical bonding with me. He and I are both looking for answers.
I don't feel like acting like the OW since that, to me, is humiliating. I don't feel the real desire for him right now because of all the hurt. he tells me to leave the hurt behind but I just can't do it. Even when I try to play fair it gets messed up.
Thoughts? Anyone? It's the old 'are you thiking of her when" type issues in my brain.
Sometimes I just want to give up and start anew with someone new. Can some M not be saved?
