You have started a great thread. It is not only for you, but all who come here and are dealing with GRIEF.
I would suggest that all who are dealing with the loss of their spouse, wether they are seperated, divorced, or in reconcilliation to read and learn about the subject of GRIEVING.
Experiencing the death of a loved one and experiencing the death of a marriage or the "old marriage" involves going through a grieving process.
When I see people who are experieincing the death of a loved one, I tell them this. GRIEVE WELL.
The majority of us don't know how to grieve. We were never taught how, and probably most of us have been told to not show our emotions. Or at some point told "get over it," or "it's time to move on."
Not showing our emotions is the worst thing we can do. You know why your spouse is going through MLC? They have not been able to express what they have been feeling since childhood and did not have their feelings validated.
What were MLC spouses told as children? "Stop your crying. You have no reason to feel that way."
A MLC spouse has suppressed their feelings since childhood.
How many LBS have said, "I had no idea my H/W was feeling unhappy, dissapointed, unfulfilled, lost, scared, depressed, unappreciated, unloved, not needed, not good enough, not appreciated and many other feelings that were not being met?"
The MLC spouse has kept their feelings to themselves and not shared them with their spouse. Why? Because of FEAR OF REJECTION AND THEIR DOUBTS. Fear and doubt are very powerful.
What did they learn growing up? Don't share your feelings with the person closest to you because they will reject you and make you feel bad about yourself. They also learn that the people closest to you are not the ones who will meet your needs. They also learn the people closest to you can not be trusted to meeting your needs.
Have you ever heard people say that we marry someone just like one of our parents? There is a lot of truth to that.
When a spouse is entering MLC, he sees his or her spouse as their parent(s) who rejected them, would not validate what they are feeling and could not be trusted to meeting their needs and desires.
Their spouse, just like one or both of their parents, was not a place to go to get their NEEDS MET.
The MLC spouse learned to not trust their parent(s) with talking about their feelings, fears and doubts. Their relationship with their parent(s) was filled with great fear and doubt.
All of us have needs. When you feel you can not get them met from your spouse, you seek out something or someone else to fulfill those needs.
A MLC spouse may find comfort in alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, porno, sex, work, OW/OM or whatever they feel comforts them and helps them to feel okay about themselves.
These "drugs of choice" only touch the surface of their pain and numb it for a short period of time. It's like novacane (sp?) you get when you go to the dentist. It's a temporary fix for a deeper problem.
Barb, going on vacation is your 'drug of choice' in dealing with your pain. We all have a "drug of choice."
For me, work, involvement in industry associations are two of my "drugs of choice." It is my own personal escape from dealing with and facing my emotions. Beneath my emotions is the root of my problem.
My issues are about TRUSTING OTHERS FOR GETTING MY NEEDS MET, FEELING GOOD ENOUGH, FEELING IMPORTANT, FEELIN LOVED, FEELIN APPRECIATED, FEELING NEEDED, FEELING DESIRED.
All of these needs were unmet as a child. At least from my perspective growing up. I'm sure my parents thought they were meeting my needs and I know they did the best they could under the circumstances. But my needs were my needs and my desire to be heard and validated for having these feelings was pushed away.
My dad would say; "Not now. I don't have time." "I'm too busy now, how about later?" Later would never come, as when I asked again he would say, "I don't have time now."
How did I feel about these experiences with my father? Rejected, alone, abandoned, not good enough, not important enough, not loved, not appreciated, not needed.
Going to my mom for these needs was no better as she was dealing with both physical and emotional issues while growing up.
My mom was either not feeling well physically and was laying on the couch or in bed and unavailable to meet my needs. Or, she was emotionally depressed, high on prescriptions drugs, or had been drinking and was not available emotionally.
There were times when both my parents would meet some of my needs. But I could never trust them to consistently meet them. I never knew from day to day wether either one would be available physically or emotionally for me. I lived in a world of fear and doubt in terms of having my needs met.
Sorry I've gone off on a tangent about my past Barb. But hopefully by what I have shared you and others will be able to understand the MLC person and yourselves better.
I will end this post and start a new one as I have more to share about grieving.
