Barb, I'm chiming in late and the thread has kind of morphed into different topics. But my first impression of the facts you lay out is that he wants something. Possibly (at first I said probably, trying to be kind) attention. If that's the only way he can reconnect it has its good and bad points. Don't forget the narcissistic issues he seems to have. I'm no shrink either, so take that for what it's worth. It may always be it's all about him, and that's where the blame game comes in.
For others, about closure, I agree, it's a process. And forgiveness comes in here. I believe while you can come to accept what people do, forgiveness is available more easily to those who ask for it. I learned to accept what my X did. I am leaning toward forgiving him under the impression that he did the best he could being who he is. I keep trying but not there. Even an apology would not bring closure to me, it would take admitting that it was all a big mistake. And that may not be true in his mind. And then anyway so what? You can't ever go back.
But Barb back to you I admire your thinking about the future. You seem able to plan for that, the connections and how the interactions will work. Maybe he's thinking about that also. If so, let him in. He may be coming out of the fog in that way. Cheers, Wonder
I know where you're coming from, lots of time for wondering in the last five years. I was sure that I'd be back together sooner or later but the important part is becoming who we are today. When are you coming to Vancouver Island?
I just want to say thanks for posting above about the triggers for moving on. Wow, I have to say that my H has been way better behaved than yours was. OTOH, I have also been put through a lot of crap in our M. But that's another story!
It is good to hear that you are doing well and getting stronger by the day. I still don't know what will happen w/ my M, but I do appreciate your POV.
YOu said at one point, up near the beginning of this thread, I think, that you weren't going to have your dream of an intact family NOW. Do you mean that you will consider your family intact if you marry Josh or someone else? Or would you have more children? I'm wondering b/c that has been my big driving force as well--to have a happy, intact family. I came from an unhappy, intact family, which was not the best thing for me. If things w/ H and me don't work out (I am prepared for that, as he needs to do a lot of work on himself), I think I would probably remarry and then give my kids that family.
Sorry, I'm rambling here! Just wondering what your take is on the whole "intact family" idea.
Thanks again for this thread.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Thanks for sharing what I know must be unpleasant to even revisit. It helps me quite a bit in my present state. I have told myself I have “let go” and I even forgave her, face to face. And then, I have feelings that tell me I haven’t let go and often feel like I am taking back my “forgiveness.” (X has soooo moved on: she signed a 2 year lease, the D became final three months later and then X went and had her tubes tied).
When we “act as if,” the feelings follow so I will continue to “act as if” I have really let her go and that she is forgiven.
”Letting go” turning into anger and rage? More of a question for anyone. When “letting go,” I wonder if the way people achieve this is by getting and staying angry with their X’s.
It seems like it would be harder to “let go” while maintaining a cordial relationship (for the sake of the kids) because then we would start drawing out reconciliation scenarios in our mind.
Just something I've been thinking about.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
I am back from Toronto but still have much to catch up on. I will be replying here one reply at a time.
I am truly glad that I started this thread. I think that sometimes we have to go back - it is from our history that we reinvent our futures. Sometimes things only make sense and we can only understand better when we are looking back. Some things aren't the best to revisit, but revisit we must.
It has been 19 months since my Mom passed away. If you will recall, my divorce became final the same week. Talk about a bad week! I got through it, picked up some of the pieces then left for the cottage (my usual style of dealing with things - go on vacation!). And I processed some of my feelings - good, bad and ugly. Then I supressed some feelings as well.
6 months later I attended a memorial for my Mom. And the minister talked about GRIEF. Something that she said really stuck with me. Grief is something NOT to put away in the drawer and forget about. Sometimes you have to take GRIEF out and try it on. And feel it. And remember. And cry some more. Because that is the way you get through it. You have to feel it.
I remember being told this about what was going on with Ex when he left. The only way to get through the grief was to go through it. And I didn't want to. I wanted to skirt it somehow. To go around it, but never to go through it. Eventually, I had to deal with it all though. And I did. And I became a survivor.
And so, looking back I can truly say that it is ok to say "get over it and get on with your new life", but once in a while you have to get the feelings out. You have to grieve. You have to feel it. And then you go on once more.
Before I have time to really reply, I do want to say that the dizziness I was feeling earlier in the week had nothing to do with Ex's phone calls (well, highly unlikely), I was not that moved by them - more curious than anything about what might have prompted them. I had been put on a new prescription on Tuesday and I think THAT was the cause for the fatigue and dizziness. It seems to be sorting itself out now but some herbal tea is helping.
So, are you on the island now??? My best friend lives on the island. (well one of my very bestest friends - I have more than one). In Naniamo where she lived for 10 years before moving back to Ontario. I was talking to her today and she wants me to visit. So, you just never know. Maybe this summer. Maybe the next. But stay in touch - I'll be sure to let you know.
Hi, sorry it took me a while to get back to you. Your post is meaningful and I think is quite accurate, though even if he is awakening to a different level - I doubt he is even subtley aware of it.
He is still so off the wall with my daughter. Says strange things to her - seems to give her bad advice with respect to college, her future etc. I have learned not to say too much. Ashley is a very intelligent girl and knows her own mind and knows when her father isn't speaking in her best interest.
I do think that my ex was checking out what was going on in our house. The kids really tell him nothing. They got so tired of his criticism. He left, yet he continued to analyze everything that we did. They found it was easier not to give him any info - then he criticized them for withholding too. Strange how he can't see how much damage he continues to do to their R with him.
Many people can move forward without hearing regret from their Ex. I am no exception, but I can't honestly say that I wouldn't like to hear it. I can't imagine him not feeling it and Ashley mentions things he has said from time to time to that effect.
I totally agree with you about their projection of their anger towards us as really being the anger they feel towards themselves. I have seen much evidence of that in the past 5 years. And I'm sure it is tinged with regret. You have to wonder how a man feels marrying a woman after he has said to me "She will never hold a candle to you, Barb. She is not even close". If maggot knew that, would she not feel inferior too? I'd like to speculate that maggot DOES know it. In fact, she did such a good job of spying on me and intercepting messages that I doubt there is much she missed. And that would certainly explain her nastiness towards me and her controlling behaviour towards him. She is insecure and has to cling tight. So be it. Kind of makes me laugh at the patheticness (is that a word?) of it all.
I thought more about regret after hearing of my friend's ex apologizing to her over 20 years later. And Naej's Ex, who after 5 years of no contact with the kids, emails them, sends greetings and "give my love to your mom". WHAT????
Your insight is appreciated. I'm sure I won't give his behaviour much more thought, but sometimes we need to look at where things are and if there's a chance of making things better for the kids - always do the right thing.
Heard you are meeting up with my sis again and Jill. You will all have a blast!!!
Do I care??? Not that much??? But a bit. I think a part of me always will. I worry that he will do something that will hurt the kids more. And I wonder what he wants with us at times. And he does like his control. Having a disabled child does complicate things. If he thought ANYTHING was less than perfect - he would be the first to point it out, yet he does nothing to help. It doesn't seem right or fair, does it? But that is the way it is.
Nope, not giving it too much thought. I sure don't want to go back there. But I do know that in MLC - there are distinct stages. And I think it helps all of us if we have an idea of where he's at. For what its worth. It helps you dodge the bullets.
Thanks for posting. I hear you and for the most part - I agree with you.
Good observations! I agree, I did not stop standing due to hopelessness. I'm sure that I could have gone on forever if hope were the only thing making me stand. Because we can always count on good ol "FALSE HOPE" to get us through. I even remember in the early months KNOWING that I had lots of false hope, but assuring myself that it was ok, because whatever it too - it was fine for the time.
Overcoming the fear of the divorce and everything that it entailed was one of the biggies for me in addition to the other things that I have already mentioned. I was very worried about financial things. Emotions, love and keeping the family came first, financial came second. I had 3 kids living at home. I lived in a huge, expensive house that was handicapped accessible. I didn't know how I could manage it on my own (he offered VERY little support) and I didn't know what my other options for a good living arrangement could be. And the kids were BEGGING me not to move.
Eventually, I overcame all those fears. I learned that I COULD do it on my own financially (though it was hard and I saw my savings diving). But there was a feeling of empowerment that came with that.
Skip forward 5.5 years and I am living in a smaller home. I have made it accessible and continue to make improvements. And all the things materially that were SO important to me are less so now. Life DOES go on. And for me - it has all worked out just fine.
So, these things played into it as well. But as you say- every situation is completely different.
