I think I'm somewhere in the same boat as you are, at least this what I think I'm reading.
I don't ever want back in a relationship with xh, BUT, I would like the energies more cordial when and if we are at a family or school function. After all, there is a history, okay, maybe there are two histories, one I remember and the one he remembers.... BUT, I do recognize the pain my children feel when they see, he and I can't make peace or enjoy the situation (what ever it is) because he or I have our hackles up, which raises the stress level for everyone who is present, preventing anyone from enjoying the moment. Yes, I agree, it would be nice to get along, but it seems to me (at this time) it's not going to be possible. I'm not saying it is or isn't for you, for I'll be watching (and taking notes) to see how you do it, when and if you do find a way.
I do understand wanting the closure too. No, the divorce didn't bring on any sort of closure, in fact, it has seemed to make things worse for me. Not on an emotional level as much as a control level. I think a part of wanting this final closure, (for me) is a desire to hear "I'm sorry" or "I know I hurt you" or even, "you've done well all things considered" etc, however, when I step back from what I think I want to hear, I do see that I'm asking xh to say I was right all along.
I realize this is me and not you talking here. But when I started to think what would bring me closure, I realized I wanted an apology for all the cr@p I've put up with. In order to get the apology, xh would have to admit he was wrong, or that I may have been right. That ain't gonna happen here. Also, I've come to a time when I see more "gray" (than ever before) than black and white... Right and wrong, black and white, North and South, two opposite poles with a lot of gray in the middle. What I am trying to accept for myself, that maybe there is no right or wrong, but just "what is." It is what it is, and I can't change it, no matter how hard I try, wish or pray. Maybe I'll learn a way to accept what is.
Unfortunately, these thoughts haven't brought me any closer to a closure, but it has given me a few things to giggle about. Oh, I still yearn for that closure, but I believe it is something I will have to find within myself, just like our own happiness, our own fulfillment, our own joy.
Just my thoughts mind you, maybe in time I'll prove myself wrong.... it won't be the first time.
Barb, if anything, understand, you are not alone with your feelings, for I do think I understand where you are with all of this.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
