Thanks for reading deeper and realizing that I was not mentioning ANY interest in a new marriage or love R with my ex. I have absolutely no feelings in that regard. Still, it is desirable not to have an enemy (mine is NASTY despite my best efforts) and to not spoil events for my children.
What triggered my decision to stop trying to save my M??? Good question. It actually came in stages though a few incidents propelled me faster. I remember around the one year mark he came to celebrate Ashley's birthday. She was turning 14. Right after opening the gifts (I was trying to be friendly and keep him involved), he went into a business spiel. I started to cry. (It wasn't a huge thing that he did, just the realization that he was "out there"). He then turned it into an attack again. Right in front of the kids he continued to berate me for having feelings. Kids wandered off as they had often done in the past and he kept on. I was just mystified at how horrible he was. I had done nothing but cry a little bit at his coldness. My gardener was outside fixing the deck that H had built. H went out and told him he didn't like what he was doing. (H had not made any attempt to fix anything since he had left but he LOVED to take shots at us for anything that wasn't perfect). He also continued to yell at me that day and I continued to cry. I think it was one of my first realizations that I was NEVER going to get through to this man. Later, the gardener came to me (after H had left) to ask me if I was ok. He had seen and heard much. I think that having an outsider witness some of it and mention it to me (most people like to look the other way), brought the reality to me that THIS IS NOT OK!!!
There were more triggers over the next little while. Most of it was the way he was cold and distant. Our mediations were horrible. He continued to be cold and nasty throughout despite the fact I was crying. The lawyers (both sides) were NOT impressed. Then one day, soon after mediation had finished (I was already dating Josh at that point), H phoned 3 or 4 times one day. I finally asked him what I had wanted to ask all along. "How can you do this to me? Why did you stop loving me". He fliply answered
"Well Barb, you were never really there for me".
Those were the words. That was what did it. He was so flip. So cool. He had no recollection of what had really gone on in our M. This man had attempted suicide more than once. I had saved his life. (now I question WHY - life would have been so much easier if I had just let him do it)> AWFUL??? Well, it is hard NOT to feel that way. I do remind myself that if he had killed himself I would never have had Ashley. She was our "let's stay together" promise to each other. He swore he would never leave me if we agreed to have one more child. He had done one stupid thing after another through the years and I had always bailed him out. Always been there for him. Always gave him "One More Chance". Through counselling and car accidents, and drinking and blackouts, arrests - you name it. I was always there for him. But he chooses to remember it differently. That's when I knew. I wished I'd bailed sooner.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to release some things I have wanted to say for a long time. I don't think we can just turn the corner one day and say "I'm done". I think it is a process. But I truly can say now "I'm done".
