I posted here under MLC for over 3 years. My ex left 5.5 years ago. I moved to Surviving 2 years ago and still post. I went for the divorce. Ex said he never wanted one but had been living with maggot so long, I needed the financial settlement and some closure. No regrets. He became someone that none of us recognized. Cut all ties to family and friends. Does see the kids sometimes but it is not close. Kids (all over 18 now) refuse to accept OW (whom he married a little over a year ago) and so they see him for short periods of time and it is not cozy. SO....
He was drowning me in his insanity. He was nasty to me all the time. Only called when he wanted something and was always unpleasant. Cutting my ties to him was the best thing for me. I have moved on. I am happy.
He phoned a month ago during our annual Christmas party. It was a Sunday night (he only ever calls on Tuesdays). He knew it was our party and the house was full of family and friends. I think he wanted to make his presence known. Personally, I think he was feeling left out. WEIRD???? Anyway, the kids could barely speak to him - it was so noisy with holiday cheer and they had guests to return to.
2 weeks ago. Ex insists that D spend the afternoon in his house while he installs her car radio. She did NOT want to be there and let him know. He still insisted. He seemed to be trying to force her to accept his life as it is. She stayed and was ok about it.
Today is my birthday. Obviously Ex knows this. It was also his mother's birthday. She passed away 10 years ago. He phoned me today at 1 PM. Made no mention of the birthday. (it should be noted that I have not spoken to him on the phone in 4 months, nor did I wish to). He asked for D. I said she wasn't home. (Obviously he should know this - it was school hours). He asked if she was in school. To avoid being called a liar I told him she was at her coop placement (technically not in school). He told me her coop ended last Friday. Not sure where he got that from because it runs for 2 more weeks. He asked me to have her call him and it was detailed - different cel numbers before 4:30, home number etc. Then spoke to me like a secretary - very businesslike and impersonal. It was WEIRD!
Tonight my son from Toronto called to wish me a Happy Birthday. While we were talking he told me his call waiting beeped and it was his father calling. He said "That's weird, dad is on the line. WHy is he calling? He never calls". WIth that, Ex phoned D. Said he was trying to get through to son. D said "He's talking to Mom". He seemed to think that was strange.
My dad was here throughout and asked D how her father was doing. She looked at him and said "he told me how much he misses you and Uncle Wayne (my sister's H)- he REALLY REALLY misses you". My dad said to her "I always loved your father". She left the room and I just said "dad that was weird". My dad said how much it has hurt him that Ex changed overnight into someone that none of us knew anymore. He was like a son to him and it hurt him to see what he had done to his family.
In 5.5 years my H has never expressed regret (other than when he returned home for a week and wanted to try again). He maintains that he met and married his soulmate and the rest of us needed to "get over it and move on".
I don't want my Ex back. I would like to have a better R for the sake of our kids. I would like some closure if it were ever possible. (for those of you who were wondering - closure does NOT come with divorce).
But I want to know if this is how reconnection starts. Or is it just another blip on the screen and the alien poking his head out of his gopher hole???
BarbieDoll, you already know the answer to your question: maybe yes, maybe no, or somewhere in between or just another gopher wondering if spring has arrived yet (or what season is it anyway? what planet is this? Check for alien antenna sprouting next time you see him) I can relate, x1 was same way, same speech at the D, "Not sure I want this" yeah yeah, so that's why she was trashing the finances and living with another guy. Seems your x is looking for "control"anywhere he can find it, because it's probably lacking in his current state of life. Possible back steps to where he thinks had some control once upon a time and trying to regain, just to have some "control" somewhere, anywhere.
Don't do this to yourself and don't let him do it.
As you said, divorce does not bring closure. Instead, I submit, you do. Hope you find it. I'm still looking after x2 left. I finally found the closure with x1, but took a lot longer then five. Best of luck. Thanks for stopping in on MLC land.
Hey Barb Well girly we have been at this a longgg time havent we? you a bit longer then me. We've seen and heard it all! from the MLCers and the LB
First I think GB is right, it could be yes, it could be no, it could be maybe-- and in the end , does it matter? yea, it probably does, it would to me, as much as people tell me it dosnt matter, you've gone on w/ your life, I would still like to hear a iota of regret or sorrow from my ex, a sorry, or oops! anything! but alas, probably wont. Barb, I think even the worst of the worst MLCers like our Bozos will once in a while peek their heads out, whether it be to snoop or just keep their ego in tact, wanting to know if everyone is still at least thinking of them,,, who knows if it means they have any regrets.
This past summer my ex poked his head out by calling me about Ryan going off to college, he was as nice as can be, telling me i was an awesome mother and that's why Ry made it into the college he is going to, how i did a great job raising him, we laughed and reminised, he even brought over money for me when I needed it as a birthday gift ,,, I thought hmmmm maybe he is starting to regret, question himself,,, feeling melonchony w/ our S going off to school. Well lo and behold a few days later, he turned back into cold, aloof ex. and I havent heard a peep from him since, apart when I called to tell him our family dog died and he didn't seem to really care and I got the nice surprise the non exsistent ow was now not only exsistent, but living w/ him!!
So there ya go, a pop out of the tunnel for a couple of weeks then worse then ever. Just thought I'd share an example of mine, In the end Barb, we can only keep doing what we have been doing for the last 4-5 yrs. Being the best moms/daughters/girlfriends we can
oh and btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLY!!!!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Happy Bday! I am interested in your sitch and bet you have lots of wisdom for those of us just starting the journey.
I hope you can see your H for what he is right now, confused, unhappy, etc. One thing I have realized a year into this is that the OW is a drug and allows the MLCer to forget reality and the pain. I understand it, I also understand that it doesn't carry them any further than where they were when they started, it merely masks the problem.
WHile you have been dealing with the pain and unhappiness and grieving...working through it. He stopped when he picked up the OW. Now he has to work through on his own and he doesn't understand why you aren't in the same place.
It's like he took cold medicine for 5 years to cover the symptoms and now that he's stopped, the cold is still there.
Sound advice so far. Especially the detatchment part. On that note I saw someone providing the link for Coping.org-- Detachement. I found it helpful to visit there and remind myself of the importance of detatching.
Also something to ponder. What ever stopped H from continuing the R with the kids while keeping you at arms distance? Nothing, right? My point is could you playing a headgame with yourself about even entertaining thoughts of a renewed relationship for the "sake of the kids?" I know I have entertained "for the sake of the kids" thoughts which has resulted in me doing things that just caused ME more pain.
Let's see if he goes the extra mile, and then some, for an extended period to prove his stripes have changed back to their original color.
(Karen- where's your new thread? The delay must mean you are working on some catchy thread title, right? )
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Barb, It's been a long time since we've posted to one another, but here's my take on your situation. He could very well be reconnecting, but you won't know for sure for a while.
The comment to your daughter about missing your father and your daughter's uncle rang home w/me because my xh said the same thing to me. Barb, they do think about what they've left behind, but unfortunately, they are so far gone, they don't know or are ready to fix the problem.
Reconnection starts w/the children, family members, co-workers, pets, etc., long before they begin the final reconnection w/you, the lbs. Try not to get caught up in the whole reconnection bit. Continue living your life the way you have and just watch from afar. If this is a true reconnection, he'll continue reaching out to people around you. If it's just a touch and go, he'll disappear again. It's really a wait and see project in the works and that's why you can't allow his drama to suck you in.
Barb, I sincerely hope that you and your xh find a way to get along in a peaceful manner so that you both can enjoy your children and their experiences/adventures in life as they come along. It's h@ll when you have to go to functions and avoid each other because the feelings are so raw that you can't get passed it.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Barb, My take on this.....who cares? I mean, really, if he wants to reconnect, you don't have to be involved in any way. He can call his kids any time he wants. For that matter, he can call your Dad or anyone he pleases. You still do not have to be involved with him. Luckily, for you, your kids are all older and can make their own choices.
Just continue to be polite on the rare occasions that you do have to interract with him and let it go at that. Don't waste another second on trying to figure out what he's doing. As I said, who cares???
I would only point out the external factors that could be affecting his acts at this time of the year. January 2 was reported in one article as the most depressing day of the year, every year. News to me anyway.
He has just come through a seasonal holiday that is often one causing folks to reflect on what was, and he could be remembering when. That is not to discount him. It is only to support what the others suggest, keep the door ajar and one eye open. See if he continues to send feelers, or more.
If you are really feeling drawn to test the temperature in the coming days ... perhaps a comment back his way through someone such as "yeah, she spoke fondly of the past during the holidays too". However, like mentioned in the other responses, I would do so with little expectation of rational response from the irrational world.
Barbie... My only advise would be that if you don't want him back...stop trying to figure out his motivation (which I guess would be true even if you wanted him back)
His motivation might simply be to have a more positive relationship with his children. Maybe he realizes how much he messed up with them and is trying to reconnect.
His motivating factors do not concern you. I agree with you that divorce doesn't bring closure and I agree with the other poster who said that you are the one who brings closure. Closure also doesn't mean that you approve of what he's done. It means you approve of what you are doing...that you have let go of them and moved on to a place where you matter more.
Thanks to everyone who posted - I appreciate your input. Haven't been too involved with MLC for a while (some things we would rather forget), but when he does poke his head out - it makes me wonder why sometimes.
I'm not feeling well today, kind of dizzy so I won't reply to everyone until I'm feeling better. But I have read each of your responses and you each make very valid points.
One thing I want to make clear is that his actions will not change anything that I am doing. It doesn't have that much effect on me. Still, we all want some kind of apology or affirmation from them sometime somewhere that they regret their actions. I know that not many of us will actually get this, but at some time down the road - it really would be nice. Wishing for too much?
Is the door open? NOPE. Not a crack. Not for any form of reconciliation. I do not want my ex back and have not for some time now. Ours was NOT a perfect M. My life is happier, easier without him. It is the difficulties he still tries to cause me that I would like to end. I do not antagonize him or make any form of contact. Still, he seems to try to make my life harder - as one of you pointed out - it's about control. And I know he can only get to me if I let him. I did let my guard down yesterday by answering the phone. I guess because it was my birthday and we all have those weak moments when we think we might actually get a sane person on the other end of the line.
And yes, the holidays do kick in some feelings no doubt. For him - they always did. And the funny thing is that both my dad and my brother in law had recently mentioned missing him as well. They both went on to add how they'd like to kick his butt for his horrible behaviour but they were talking about their own sense of loss.
And then we always have to wonder how long the bandaid can stay on despite the hot water they find themselves in at times. Yes, it is everyone's dream to have the OW kicked out. To see them break up. To some extent - I feel that way too. In my case she really made an extreme difference in everything that happened. She is VERY controlling. But, having given this a lot of thought, I don't really wish for them to break up (unless he dumped her for a new OW - now there's a dream come true LOL). The reason is simple - he would be hanging around more or try to. This man cannot be alone. That's one of the biggest problems. I DO NOT want that. But of course - he is connecting more with the kids than he has for a while. He had Ryan to his house. Then Ashley. No sign of OW. Oh, I'm sure she is still around, but it seems he is not quite as tied to her apron strings. Hmmmm... you have to wonder how long a R like that can last and yet - 5 years ago I was convinced it couldn't last 3 months. Silly me!
Anyway, no I'm not looking into this too seriously but we do like to have an idea what is going on with them once in a while when they start making contact once more.
I'll reply more later. For now, I need to lie down.
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