Thanks for the insight and no, I take constructive criticism-if you want to call it that-fairly well-had to learn to in a former career field, I was not now/and never were angry with you (Greg) it's anger and frustration at not being able to fit my situation into one of the (many) molds the 'experts' have designed to help us through this.
I will do the best I can to answer what you ask:
"Are you angry because I didn't have an answer for you in my generalized, generic situation post?"
-not at all, as I say above, I realize that not every sitation is the same, and I also realize that what happened is not going to ever be neat and tidyly explained, but more insight would be nice.
"Me2, I went through the same thing with my wife last year. We saw a counselor, had weekly OR talks, and it wasn't until we got back together that she said "I felt lonely in our marriage. I felt ignored and neglected and thought that you really didn't love me". Well Jesus, we had discussed these same issues over and over and over while we were seperated and she always told me "I don't know why I'm feeling the way I do" and she denied that any of those reasons mentioned above had anything to do with her affair or the way she felt about me."
-my husband and I have discussed the very same issues, alone togther and in therapy, and he usually says the same thing, 'I didn't feel that you neglected me/our marriage, the only unmet need that OW was fulfilling was someone to talk to'. We were separated because of his job, but we talked daily on email/IM and at least once a week on the phone. OW was not geographically located with him either-they were never stationed together. He actually started his A before his first trip home, he'd only been gone 62 days, which makes me think he went looking for it. This was late Aug 99, that fall when we would talk (of course I did not know for sure about A-but I suspected, anyway here's an example of our conversations: Me-hi, how was your day? H-fine (silence) Me-what did you do? H-worked (more silence) Me-oh...long day? You must be tired. (silence) And this was not just on the phone but on IM and over email as well-he would forward me things without even so much as a note-or signing his name. I kept asking him to TALK to me...tell me about his day-if he had a bad one/good one etc..if anyone at work had pissed him off that particular day-ANYTHING-what he had for breakfast.... He blew me off continually, once on IM he had to go watch a softball game-said he was going to go to show his support. For some reason, which he claims to not know, he just shut me out - and let her in. He says now that he felt guilty because he was having an affair-so that is why he shut me out during that time. So, OK...got it, but what LED him to that???? I understand the guilt after, like you said Greg, but what got him there?
"Affairs that are more than one night stands have one thing in common, the person having the affair is having needs met that their marital partner is not fulfilling."
-my husband says this was not the case. I do not know what to think. We were not physically together (because of his job) BUT neither were he and OW-they were long distance too....so????
"You fill in the blank and tell me what those needs are."
-believe me, I have suggested every possible thing (including some pretty way-out there ones) and he says 'no that's not it' and claims to NOT KNOW WHY.
"You say that guilt led your H astray. Guilt from what? I understand H feeling guilty after the affair, but why would guilt have led him into an affair or astray as you put it? "
-from leaving me and the boys (we have 2 young boys one 6 last month and one 4 1/2), here in a new state, we moved here a month before he left, new job, new house...no friends. But that was not an issue for me, my dad had us moving around every 3 years as a kid-I went to 9 different schools before I graduated HS. But again, he says he does feel guilt over that, but that it was not the reason for the A and he also says that he knew while he was gone that I'd "handle it" because I am a strong person.
"Also, why are you feeling guilty?"
-for making him feel more guilty by dumping my problems and my bad days on him while he was overseas....but by the time I was unloading on him(around late Sep-Oct 99 due to changing jobs) he was already cheating.
"You say your H has always been a non-talker. Does he talk to you about his feelings,..." -no not his feelings, although he used to.
"dreams, goals, and ambitions in life? Would you like for him to discuss these things with you?"
-we have always had 'our plan' of what and how we were gonna live our lives...talked of growing old together...being there for each other...what we want out of life, but never once has he come to me and said 'gee L I have had such a crappy day-I feel rotten'. -yes, we talk about his day, I used to be in that career so I understand the lingo and how "it is". I enjoy talking with him about that. But as far as personal-OR stuff...he doesn't go there, but I remember a time when he did. I also remember when he used to say 'hello love of my life' and referred to me in that way. It's been a long time since I've heard that.
"Does he tell you how badly he wants (or wanted) children? By the way, do you have children yet? Is that possibly an issue?"
-we decided together to have kids, agreed upon when and how many and how close together. Of course they add stress to our lives, but they also complete us. Sometimes they are the only reason I stay.
We get along great-we are the best of buds-we laugh together and maintain a good united front to the kids, plan for time together, and help each other out (house/yard/shopping etc)...but he will not talk to me (anymore) about how he is feeling-he is pretty emotionless. So I have stopped asking, aside from 'did you have a good day?'. I feel like I am beating my head against a wall trying to get in somewhere he doesn't want me anymore. I have detached, lovingly, from the whole 'feelings/OR' thing because he just cannot talk to me-for what ever reason. I hope some day he will be able to.
I realize how lucky I am that he is here and is committed to our marriage (now) and I am very thankful for that, although still wary. Now I just have to let him come to me with all they why's and how comes' when he is ready. But I will tell you...it is VERY hard. I slipped last weekend and he found me crying. He held me and let me talk. He still said that he 'just doesn't know'. AARRRGGGHHHH!
Geeze, this is getting long! I'd also like to respond to Eagle for a moment;
"I don't agree that there is always a missing need in someone who is having an affair." -I agree.
"I think that in many cases, stuff just happens. We/they don't plan it, don't know how to handle it when it comes along, and we/they spend the rest of our lives trying to find reasons or rationalizing it." -AMEN Brother!!! And not to mention driving ourselves bonkers in the process.
"What I am trying to say is that no matter who you are, how rich, how good looking, how loving, etc., there is always going to be someone out there that has more of whatever you have. If that person happens to come along at the right time in your spouses life (a weak moment), with just the right line or approach, I would say that the chances are better than even that they are going to fall." -wwweeelllllll, ok, but H even tells me that there is no comparison between OW and me, and that she is rather plain, doesn't know if she was the same ~type A personality as me per see, but she lives alone, never married, no kids, good career, around my age ~ year older-so she must be able to stand on her own. (He didn't answer the one question about who was better in bed tho...and I am trying like hell not to infer anything there).
SO WHAT WAS H MISSING????
I am trying to come to grips with that whatever it is, and I do believe he knows, but whatever it is will have to come out when it comes out.
Nothing I have tried works, even doing nothing. So now I'm gonna vent as much as I like here to you'all (hehe) and go on about my life-and try like hell to be happy and not feel shut out (even tho I do and I am).
They say that in order to rebuild a marriage after an A, the couple needs to understand what was missing before the A, and what led the cheating spouse to stray. This way they can BOTH own what they should own, understand and be able to prevent it so it will not happen in the future.
WELL that's just dandy. And where does this leave me?
Bitching here to you all-boy this IS long...and I could continue too....but we got swimming lessons!
I know I have it good (better than some stories on this BB I've read) and anyone who wants to tell me to shut up-have at it!
