Ok, today has been a roller coaster to say the least! I woke up feeling confident that my God would give me the strength to make the right decisions throughout the day and to guide me on my path to recovery from my Love Addiction.
I get to the house and I notice that the W has thrown away her papers that she got from our counselor that tell her what to do each day for sanity and her emotional wheel of life. So I start my black and white thinking that she is done trying and threw them out so she wouldn't have to look at them anymore. But I remembered my counselors advice to think in gray terms, and I thought, she could just be clearing off the fridge, cause she hates clutter on the fridge. And since she's doing the things the counselor instructed, she dosen't really need them there anymore. They were pretty blank anyways. So, I'm ok, not bottoming out, but super anxious and shaky. So I need to self-soothe.
I started reading my Facing Love Addiction book and found every word applied directly to me. Not even a period was out of place with the way that I was behaving and even the way my W was reacting to it. This calmed me a bit and gave me something to think about while I was at the gym.
I went to my gym that I joined last night and did the stairmaster for 35 minutes (32.5 actually but 35 sounds better). Then I did back and biceps. While I was there, I came to the realization, an epitomy really, that even if she wanted me back right now, although it be hard to resist, I couldn't come back, because I am a Love Addict and I am addicted to her. Having her back would replace my love withdrawl and I may never really address my defects of character. This was like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders and I feel great. I am free from the burden of waiting for her to want me back. And free to take control of my life and correct the defects in me that have led me to this point in my life. I am continuing with SLAA. In fact, I really can't wait for my next meeting to share my revelation! I am really going to work this thing hard. 30andLost may soon have to change my screen name because I can see who I am for possibly the first time in my life. I am a codependant Love Addict that needs to learn to love myself in ways that I never learned to as a child. I don't want my wife back until I'm healed as I've said before. I love her too much to do this to her again. I want to live my life in a healthier, saner manner. I can't wait to get to the sunny fields of self confidence and healthy intimacy.
Gotta go talk with friends and make ammends for past wrongs...
M-30 W-28 S-6, S-5 Bomb dropped 1/4/2007 Back home 4/17/2007 (103 days) "You'll never know God is all you need, until God is all you have."
