My name on the BB may give you just a slight hint...my H is in the Australian Navy - the only reason I ask is that it makes your circumstances just that little bit different to other peoples (Oh and I myself served in the Australian Navy). The best way I have described it is that when you are in one of the services - you have to have two lives...your life at sea, on the ship, in the service...and your life at home, with your partner, family, kids etc. And you are very much part of both of them...so if you lean more towards one than the other, you feel lost, because everything is thrown out of balance. The hardest thing for me in my own sitch is that my H turned to OW when I miscarried our first baby (jun 06)...and I couldn't be there for him because he was half way across the world. Anyway, just wanted you to know there is someone that can understand from that point of view too.
I do see where you are coming from in regards to the reason you may have developed the behaviours you have...I too have many scars and I did get to a point where they came to the surface and I went through counselling to deal with them...BUT and I guess this is why I know I have broken the cycle in my family - there is always two ways a person who has been through any kind of traumatic event in their life can go - one way leads down a self destructive path...eventually leading to behaviours not dissimilar to those of our parents, sometimes worse...OR you CHOOSE to walk the other path, which can be painful too, but you grow and learn and will hopefully be a better person for it. Obviously I chose the second path...Sorry, this is just something that touches real close to home with me, and like all of this I believe with all my heart that even this comes down to a conscious choice.
I hope your counselling is helping you though, for me I just felt that I already know I had a screwed up childhood, I'm already aware of the behaviours I developed growing up...and so I look at it as - ok this stuff I know, but how is taking a trip down memory lane going to help me right now? Help me to hopefully save my M...this is just something that I would be aware of is all...
Above anything else you HAVE to pick yourself up right now. I could almost feel the weight that is around your heart just by reading your post - imagine what your W might feel if she is able to sense that too. Trust me here, even though your W has chosen to WA for now, it still hurts so badly seeing you or feeling that you are so low.
I have come to the conclusion that in every instance even when I'm real down - I give myself time to acknowledge my feelings and yeah sometimes I cry - but I always get to a point now where I think - ok, this is how you feel right now, tomorrow is another day - and ultimately is feeling this way even right now really helping me get to where I want to be...
The best way for you to help your W right at this very point in time is to help yourself. Work towards being the man you want to be, being the husband you want to be - for YOU, to make YOU happy.
Perhaps this article will help - it is about forgiving yourself Forgive Yourself
IMHO, this stuff has more to do with not being of aware of what each others needs are out of a R and M, expecting each other to be mind readers...and basically it coming down to that usually both people are not meeting the emotional and/or physical needs of their partner...more than what it is about our past...but that's just my thoughts.
Anyway 30, this is going to take some time, but the first thing you need to do is pick yourself, dust yourself off and start BEING the man you want to be. When the time is right you will get the chance to take ownership of this and talk to your W about it, but for now you need to concentrate on YOU.
So pick yourself up - grab hold of some positive vibes I'm hopefully sending - smile, do something fun with your kids!
Sailors Girl LIVE,LOVE & LAUGH! & SMILE LIKE YOU KNOW SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE DOES! NO REGRETS!
