New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

I had a pretty tough day. I had to go over to the house at 6AM to take the kids to school because she had an early class and couldn't do it. I took them to school, then did some work from home. I'm working at home until they move me into another building away from the OW. I also did some things around the house, made her bed, did some laundry. I had a hard time seeing her undergarments and knowing that she is wearing the sexy stuff out. So after that my mood went WAY down. Crashing is the best way to describe it. When she came home she asked me to stay with the kids for a little while she went tanning. She's already told me that the tanning is to improve her self esteem, not to attract other men. I believe her, she has never given me a reason not to. My insecurities used to make stuff up in my head all of the time, but I'm getting control of those. They still take hold sometimes and are hard to shake, like today with the undergarments, but I'm working them hard.

So I was finally able to leave. I went on the advice of my therapist, and a sincere need to cheer myself up somehow, and joined a gym. Fitness 19, nice place no contract, and cheap which I need right now. I also need a place to fully exhaust my physical being when I get into a low place, and I really think this will help. This journaling helps too, but sometimes I need to pull in every self-soothing technique I have just to make it to bed time when I can take a Klonopin.

After the gym sign-up. I called the wife to make sure the $78 dollar fee for sign up was ok and asked her to put it on her Visa since our checking account is pretty low and they don't take my Discover. She was very nice and said she would so I believe that she really wants me to get the help I need so that she can feel safe coming back to me. That's my hope anyway.

I then again got extrememly low after talking to her and just fighting back the ILY urge with all of my might. I was able to keep it inside though. After the call I cried most of the way to my SLAA meeting. I really just need a hug too. From anyone it seems.

I was really anxious going into the SLAA meeting and before I opened the door I considered missing it. I went in though, and it turned out to be very good and uplifting. It gave me some perspective that I'm not that messed up, but I do have a disease in a sense and I have to work on curing myself, for the good of myself and my kids, and ultimately my wife. I am addicted to love and or sex. I used to use internet porn a lot and kicked that habit. But like one of the people in my group said, "When I was a coke-head, I kicked it, and picked up heroin." So I guess I kicked the porn habit for the A. Bottom line is I have a severe self-esteem deficiency that no amount of sex partners would ever be able to fill. I have to love myself, and I think I can get there.

I left the meeting with a sponsor phone contact as another source for when I start crashing. I also felt that even though I'm not sure I'm a sex/love addict, I don't want to deny that possibility either. I think I am, more love than sex, but in talking with the group I can see where my past behavior was sex addict like and demeaning to women. I also left the meeting with a strong conviction that I can beat this, and keep it from interfereing in any other R I have in the future. Hopefully a new one with my W, but if that can't happen, I'll be confident in myself so that I don't screw up another persons life that I truly love.

Goodnight all. You've already been a tremendous help!

Keep writing. The personal attention is extremely appreciated.