New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

First, thank you for the replies. Everything is helpful.

The history, that a few of you have asked for, and the circumstances leading up to the A, go back 25 years for me. Before I ever loved any girl, except my mom. This is when she left my dad and I. She had an A and left my dad for the OM for good. She was completely out of our lives for anywhere between 3-6 months. I don't remember her being gone, but I remember the day she bent over and kissed me and said "Mommy's gotta go now." like it was yesterday, or early this morning even. So, the abandonment issues begin.

Next, friends at school were always tough for me. My therapist tells me it was probably because I was too needy due to my underlying abandonment issues.

Now at age 20, in love with W and we get married, she's 18 by only a few months and I'm in the Navy. We seem to have a great marriage, few bumps in the road but nothing major. I had always been insecure and jealous throughout the R but nothing too psycho.

Now age 28, my oldest son turns 5. Big emotional hick-up for me. Guess what I'm thinking is going to happen when my son is 5? His mommy is going to leave. I become obsessive to the point where I'm asking her about every guy she talks to and accusing her of not loving me at every other conversation. Constantly demanding sex and affection from her. I can't create a feeling of belonging in myself, and accept that she loves me, so I demand it from her. Throwing gas on the fire, she gets a new job a the hospital working swing shifts 5 nights a week, we never have time together and I continue to spiral into my own self-induced despair. I enter counseling because it is so bad, that I can now see what I am doing. I go to counseling to begin to address some of these issues but the counselor wasn't that good. He did teach me to own my insecurities and not to put them off on my wife. Things got better for just a bit, then she added a night class for nursing one one of our only two nights together. I felt like this was a step on my neck, and began to recoil into myself, and pursue someone who loved me, since my wife obviously (to me) didn't. I couldn't (and still can't- yet) self-soothe and that led me to need the affection of the OW at work.

There are multiple issues involved in the breakdown of our M. The most paramount are, my insecurities with myself, my fear of abandonment, and my need for acceptance from a woman. All of which I recognize, own, and am taking the steps to remedy. I am doing this for me and my boys and because I love my W enough that I don't want her to take the old me back, because I would just hurt her again, and she doesn't deserve that.

My therapist told me to ask my W if my helping while I'm at the house was invading her space. She said No it wasn't invading her space, so I'll continue to do small stuff, so she knows I'm out there, but I won't re-paint or anything so that she thinks I'm acting out of desperation. Also, because she's been asking me to paint the house now for years, and it will be blatently desperate.

Anyone ever read "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody? I'm off to get that now. I can only learn...

Thanks Everyone!