New here - W unwilling to work on it

[Sailors_Girl]

Hey 30

I am working on me for me, because in the end, if she does leave me or file the Big-D, I will be all I have to make me happy (and the kids of course too, but I view them as almost seperate from our sitch)

This is good to know...because ultimately your W has to want to work on the M, you can't make her. Re the kids, just remember that however old or young they are really perceptive to EVERYTHING, they see everything, hear everything and feel everything - make sure you are doing things with them too, so they still know you love them - really important.

Another Q: Should I keep helping her, aside from the kids, when she asks? Or do I really force her to do things on her own since she wants to be separated?

I think helping her is a good thing...especially if it is 180 for you (have you read about 180's yet?). As long as you are not grovelling at her feet every 5 seconds, if you know what I mean. BUT again you need to do these things because YOU want to do them, not because you think your W would want you to do them - because right now only your W knows what she is feeling...and well it's going to be a while before she trusts what she is seeing in you...oh and definitely no ILYs, when and if you say this all it is probably saying in your Ws head is "bla bla bla, whatever, if you loved me...", well I think you know where I'm heading with that - it is a reminder kind of thing...right now it just adds pressure on her, to how she is feeling and the way she is dealing with the A - again she needs this space.

I agree with something else that was said, and that is that you work on finding within yourself the reason you went outside your M. IF your W does eventually come around to wanting to work on the M, you will need to know the reasons behind it - not to try to justify it to her - but so that YOU know it wont happen again. And again, agreeing with what someone else said - that obviously there were issues in the M before the A - the M didn't break itself...

Anyway, keep posting and I will be of help to you where I can - perhaps you can give me some insight into my own sitch too...from the flip side of the coin?