New here - W unwilling to work on it

[Sailors_Girl]

Hi 30

First of all, I'd just like to say that while I dont condone A's, that it is a very admirable step in confronting this the way you seem to be...so I commend you on that...

Second of all, please dont feel judged here...we all make mistakes in life...but the first step is taking ownership of what has happened and giving yourself permission to move on from it...taking your head out of the sand so to speak and realizing what has happened.

Ok, now this may be the surprising bit for you at this point...but I am the W of a man who has had a PA...and is still living with the OW...and I want to save my marriage very much - I have forgiven my H and am wanting very much to move on with my life with him by my side, but for now I am living my life for me - my H's head is firmly in the sand, and he is dealing with things in his own way, so for now I am his friend and am here for him...guess that's the best way to put it...

BUT, what I will do for you, is give you the other side...and I hope it will help, I dont mean at any time to make you feel worse than you probably already do, so do know that ...but I can hopefully give you a little insight into the other side of the coin.

So I'll start from the top...

Nov 1-22: I had an affair with OW from work. Told my wife I was unhappy and wanted to leave her but was willing to work on it. Affair not revealed. Broke Wife's Heart #1.

If your W is anything like me, she probably could sense that there was more to it that you weren't telling her...sometimes in trying to protect the ones we love from something we know is going to hurt them, we actually cause them more pain...for me...and this is purely my own feelings in my own sitch...what hurt more were the words 'I love you, but am not in love with you anymore'...not that he had a PA.

Nov 28: Told wife I didn't think it would work and that I was leaving. Before conversation ended, I agreed again to stay and work on it. Affair Still not Revealed. Broke Wife's Heart #2.

Dec 14: Told OW it was over and that I wanted to work on my relationship with my wife and family. Admitted Affair to wife. Broke Wife's Heart #3.

Dec 15-Jan 3: Working in couples therapy, wife staying and working on fixing our relationship. I begin to stray back to OW because I thought I had feelings for her.

Jan 4: Told wife I couldn't commit to counseling because I had feelings for OW. Slept with OW next night and realized I didn't love her, and only loved my wife. Admitted to wife and told her I wanted her more than anything. Broke Wife's Heart #4.

Like I said, I would almost bet money on that your W knew that something was going on...not necessarily what was going on, but that there was something you weren't telling her...and if she is anything like me (and again I can only share my own personal experience, I am no expert and everyone handles things differently) she blamed herself and just wanted to make you happy again...

The good thing is that you do seem to have some kind of understanding of how hurt your W is...that is great. For alot of people who walk away from their R and M after A's they dont really consider the other persons feelings at all.

Now I am fully committed to working on me to correct my sex and love addiction through SLAA, working with therapist to correct and address my abandonment issues so that I won't do this again. Wife has said that she wants nothing to do with me except when it comes to the kids. She hasn't filed for a Big-D or said that it is over, just that she needs her space and time to think.

It is great that you have made steps towards making positive changes in you...but make sure that what you are doing is solution focussed and is going to help you right now.

And with the space thing...yeah, she will need it...maybe even alot of it - just some of the things I felt were anger (I cleared our house out of all our belongings and his bank account - I'm not proud of this, but I acted in anger), a deep hurt like I wasn't good enough, a sadness that no amount of tears could take away...that was then! not now!

This is alot for your W to take in, and more than anything right now you need to be able to give her this space.

I just want a ray of hope that she can come around to seeing that I am fixing myself for her. I guess I'm just looking for other's experience with how long it took a hurt wife to open up to fixing the relationship. Weeks, Months, Years? It's hard to give her her space when I want her back so badly.

Ok, well firstly with this, you need to want to make these changes for you...not for your W. The reason being, that if you make these changes for your W, they wont be real and permanent changes, you need to find the strength in you to do it for you. Another reason it needs to be for you is because to begin with any changes your W sees in you will just appear like empty promises...like she can't trust them...so if you make the changes for you, they will be lasting changes and eventually (we hope) your W will see that and start to trust in you again.

As for how long...how long is a piece of string? One thing to always keep in mind with this is that you are on your W's time frame...I'm sure your M did not break down overnight and so it is not going to be healed overnight either.

I think a really important thing right now is to show your W a huge amount of respect - she really does need this space.

So where to go from here...have you read DB or DR? If not, I would recommend either of them highly...I have found DR most helpful for my sitch, but either is a good start.

Anyway, if you want to read about my sitch, this is my story so far...

A Sailors heart...

MY SHINING STAR!!!

So I hope that I am able to give you that little ray of hope that you are looking for. For now, I will leave you with something someone dear to me always says to me when I am struggling...

Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

You may have come across it, it is at least one version of the serenity prayer, but it holds alot of truth. You cannot change what has been, or right now that your W wants her space, but you can make changes in you (for you) and work on things you want to work on...and realize that true happiness is only found within...not through someone else...and realize that right now the only things you can change are things that you have control over...YOU.

I hope I have helped - you have made one positive step already by being here...this is one hell of a rollercoaster ride - so I hope you like thrill rides! but it is worth it if we are able to save our M, and if we can't we will all be better people for having taken this journey...

It is great that you want to make amends and to save your M, just remember this journey starts with YOU.

P.S. Oh and if you haven't already...you need to break ALL contact with the OW