Hi there, I'm sorry you found out the worst way about the A, I sort of found out in a bad way too, letters and picts and other stuff. Right now the pain is unbearable, but trust me, it will fade in months to come, it never seems like it will, but with will power and a good C you will be able to manage the pain.
Your H needs to go to C w/you, and you should see a C individually too.
Quote: He says I am choosing to hold on to the images and the pain. He says I am choosing to be unhappy. I really don't think that's the case. I am happy more than I was a few months ago, but my mood can end up spiralling downward in seconds
He is either just being unsencitive or trying to divert his blame, doesn't want to face how much he's hurt you. One can't just stop thinking of the images of the op from one day to the other. He needs to validate you accept he's hurt you.
Quote: He won't share any more details.
That is a tough one, my H wouldnt' either (though I found out plenty by the stuff I found). It took several months for him to tell me stuff, mainly I got info through tearfull conversations and me accusing him of stuff, not the best way to get it I admit. In time I was able to talk calmly and without accusing him, he opened up best that way. When I cornered him he either clamed up or say he didn't remember, I learned that even if he said anything in these instances that I couldnt' even trust that.
I know you hurt, but when one is very emotional and we bombard our S w/questions we might not get much or might not get the truth. Granted, he needs to be able to tell you stuff. Also, pick your battles, how much more do you want to know? it seems like you already know a whole lot by now, and I have learned, sometimes learning ALL the details isnt' good either, because one thinks more and MORE about every little thing that happened, and your mind just never ends mulling about the stuff they did/said to each other. Then more questions come up and it is a never ending circle.
Call a C now and talk w/someone, dont' bottle it up. I've learned that I had to face the hurt to get over it, so that when I was fine and the bad thougths assaulted me I was able to say "I have faced you (hurtful thought/image) already, I know I will hurt by thinking about you, so I dont' want you, I have forgiven my H already"
A wonderful book for healing is "healing the hurt in your marriage", specially the chapter on forgiving.
It has been 5mths afte I've learned about my H's A, it doesn't loom over my live anymore like it used to, I used to marinate on the info daily, hourly some days, but thanks to God I am free of the stinging pain, it doesn't have the punch it used to have, it will happen to you too, I promise. I now have to remind myself not to look into that "abyss", because it will pull me down again if I look back and ponder about what went on.
Here is my link of when I found out about my H's PA, read the posts people put up for me, there are awesome posts which helped me heal, I encourage you to select the posts from this DB board, copy them and print them, and when you are feeling like you can't go on read them and re-read them.
