I also would like for you to not take anything I'm writing personnaly.
Maybe this will make sense (maybe not):
The three, I'll use the word typical again, most common unmet needs are communication, attention, and affection (not necessarily in that order).
In my opinion, the problems arise when one or both partners in a relationship are not getting their needs met the way THEY would like to have them met. For instance, to me, meeting my W's communication needs might mean sitting and listening to her talk and when it's my turn I talk about work and the people at work. When I do this, I (not my W, but ME) feel like I've met her need for communication and so that is what I continue to do. By the way, that is not how I "communicate" with my wife. On the other hand, my wife is sitting there talking to me and wondering "why can't he open up to me more and express some of his thoughts and feelings to me instead of rambling on about how his day at work went, I don't want to hear that every single day". Does she say that to me, NO. LACK OF COMMUNICATION. So I continue to think that the way I communicate with her is OK. Her main reason for holding back her comments is because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but if it bothers her that much, and over time it will, then she needs to speak up about it.
This is a VERY mild example of a simple communication problem, that over time, can become a major issue.
Are you angry because I didn't have an answer for you in my generalized, generic situation post?
Me2, I went through the same thing with my wife last year. We saw a counselor, had weekly OR talks, and it wasn't until we got back together that she said "I felt lonely in our marriage. I felt ignored and neglected and thought that you really didn't love me". Well Jesus, we had discussed these same issues over and over and over while we were seperated and she always told me "I don't know why I'm feeling the way I do" and she denied that any of those reasons mentioned above had anything to do with her affair or the way she felt about me.
Affairs that are more than one night stands have one thing in common, the person having the affair is having needs met that their marital partner is not fulfilling. You fill in the blank and tell me what those needs are.
You say that guilt led your H astray. Guilt from what? I understand H feeling guilty after the affair, but why would guilt have led him into an affair or astray as you put it? Also, why are you feeling guilty? You say your H has always been a non-talker. Does he talk to you about his feelings, dreams, goals, and ambitions in life? Would you like for him to discuss these things with you? Does he tell you how badly he wants (or wanted) children? By the way, do you have children yet? Is that possibly an issue?
Don't take this wrong Me2, I would like to help you. Can you answer the above questions for me? I'm just like you, I need to know 'WHY'. I respect any input you have, it's how I grow and learn to modify my feedback to help others.
