I guess I still am ow. I want out. MM has been so helpful to me, I feel so cold-blooded to say "I don't need you anymore.'
The truth is, I do need him, I need him to understand, I want a chance for complete balance in my life. Having a SO who is married, not to you, is a guaranteed lack of balance.
I feel so bad for jerking him around. I'm not doing it on purpose. My emotions are jerking me around so badly I sometimes think I have multiple personalities.
But I wonder, how much would he put up with me if he were a single guy. He's pretty 'cool' and I imagine would have lots of options. I wonder where I woud fit in in that scenario (if he were a single guy).
He approached me at the right time in my life, weak enough to go along with a plan I would have otherwise found unacceptable.
I'm not blaming him, and I don't want others to. I want perspective. I want to be able to worship God without obsticle. I want to understand how something I have always considered 'out of the question' became a way of life for 2 yrs.
I am sorry if I'm asking to much or aking to unclearly. I want to chat with people who won't judge and bash, but won't tell me it's okay to continue with any justifications that can be thought of.
