Observation and Caution

[BluePoet]

Well it doesn't have to be that way. Now, I have developed a new R in the course of DBing as well (but not from here), but NG knows what my personal goals are and is helping me grow as a person -- encouraging me in the kitchen and teaching me, but letting me do the actual cooking for the most part. He knows my other goal is being more independent and thus he is not encouraging dependence by being around 100%. He's helping me get out and about to meet people and see new local places.

So see, he's doing all the things that my STBX i]should have been doing, but was either too ignorant or selfish to do -- or STBX just really didn't love me enough to encourage personal growth.

I'd say, if a person feels the only way they can GAL is to let go and find another relationship - that's okay BUT realize that you need to have it with someone who will help you GAL and detach. That means detaching from being dependent on anyone, not just the ex-spouse. Because being dependent is one of the reasons we ended up too needy in the first place! We need to become people for whom anyone who enters our lives is optional - not a "I must be in a relationship" kind of person.

But it's hard to go from being needy straight to a person living independently. So sometimes an interim "make us stronger" relationship can help if it doesn't overwhelm the GAL part of DBing. We have to have our life outside that relationship and not make it the full focus of our new life. (Though I realize even myself that this is difficult at times, when you feel really comfortable with someone!)

Hope this makes sense...
BluePoet