My favorite part is here, but it is a piece of Art in context. Hope this helps you trust to go dark!
Quote:
Trust that the past will work on him for you..in your absence. Trust the the rest of the world will be working on him for you. You don't have to do anything but enjoy your life as best you can on your own.
This seems popular so thought I'd reproduce it here:
This is a letter Calder once posted here, which was advice to her from a wise friend who had DB'd successfully and got her m back after 3 years of separation.
So I thought I would post it, edited a bit to take out the personal stuff to Calder.
Because even though there was no DB strategy in my case, it seems to prove her point!
"He says he intended to call you....but, you became scared and impatient and fearful that he had gone into a dark cave, so you couldn't resist contacting him. You couldn't trust that he would contact you.
It would have been so meaningful and wonderful for you to have picked up the phone and heard his voice on the other end. He would have called you....in his own time.
You must give him the chance to do it on his own terms...in his own time.
He said his computer was down. There was no hidden meaning behind his silence...but your imagination got the better of you. I understand being so scared that some unknown force takes hold of your fingers as you send those emails. I know... I really do...I really do!!
I risk making you defensive...but,...your light approach has worked. You haven't threatened him. He doesn't feel threatened. You are past the first stage of separation. You have successfully reconnected with him. He isn't deliberately avoiding you.
He thinks you're doing just fine...busy with new job and active social life. You haven't given him a hard time. Aren't moaning on his shoulder...haven't displayed anger, haven't caused any ugly scenes and are in his eyes moving on quite well without him.
You are using the boards for advice, have been focused on doing the right things and have accomplished a lot in the past year. He feels comfortable with you. He thinks you're doing just fine without him. He knows what you're all about. He isn't scared of you. He's still your husband!
I am concerned about your fear of scaring him off. There is NO evidence of that. He hasn't said you scare him. He hasn't accused you of threatening him. He would have no reason to!
Let's take a look at your fear...you're making decisions based upon imagined, unfounded fear...not a good position for you to be in. Still acting like the dutiful wife...there to boost him, coddle him...chatting and joking....wanting him to warm to you...not being able to completely detach
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. He knows where you are. He knows you love him. He knows who you are and all that you've done and been for him all those years. He shares those same memories.
He looks for you on IM. THAT's when he thinks about you...that's when he will miss you...that's when he will be reminded of you...and those are just the tiny examples. Trust that there are hundreds more that you don't know about.
Now you have entered a new chapter in your plan to get him back. This chapter can be about his realizing that he's losing the best thing he ever had in his life. He MUST be allowed to feel your absence...your silence will speak volumes to him....just as his does to you.
You worry when you don't hear from him. Give him the chance to worry about you!!
I may sound like a broken record, but if it were me... I wouldn't contact him for 6 weeks. So what if he gets scared??? He's a big boy and I think he should get scared...scared that he's going to lose you forever.
Scared that you have met someone better than him. Scared that you don't feel warm about him...scared that you just aren't going to be there anymore to boost his big baby ego. You can turn this around...but, not until you aren't so fearful of what he's thinking or doing!!
It's time to tell the fear to go to hell. Time to get some relief from worrying about him and his feelings. He can handle his own feelings.
He won't come back as long as he thinks you're always there for him on his terms. He won't come back until he honestly misses you and that won't happen until you risk going silent long enough for him to get scared about what you're doing.
This will feel like the biggest risk of your life...you will be scared...scared that he won't ever contact you again...scared that he's so much in love with her that you are dust...all those fears will well up in you and take over like demons if you let them. You could go on like this...chatting, etc for years and years and he will have NO incentive to get you back.
OR...you can sit back and trust all that you have been to him.
Trust that he will come back to you when he's good and ready and that there's nothing more you can do to make it happen any faster then he is ready for.
Trust that the past will work on him for you..in your absence. Trust that the rest of the world will be working on him for you. You don't have to do anything but enjoy your life as best you can on your own.
If and when he calls or writes to you...do not respond immediately. When he asks to see you...that's when you put on the war paint. Looking better than just fit!!
Leave him with all that on his mind!!!
Lastly...I wouldn't put any trust in what he says...especially when he told you to keep in touch...I wouldn't do it...I would STOP determining my actions based upon his. It's time for you to get back in the drivers seat of your life. Stop rationalizing staying in touch with him.
If you want him back you will have to feel like an idiot...fear rejection...FEAR FEAR FEAR and do it anyway. Don't let fear run your life....Be scared and do it anyway.....and now I'm leaving you with all this...it may sting...but, getting mysterious and going silent works with men...they can't stand it and come out of their caves."
What a great post!! I think it is really timely for a lot of us. I know that it really home with me. I am going to kick fear in the arse and keep with my plan to stay dark.
I have more resolve than ever. I think I just got my explanation for why H looks so bad. It is taking a toll on him. But that will have to be his issue. I am just continuing on my journey as planned.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
That's how I feel too. H is sounding horrible on the phone to S and when he left a message to me. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and I think he is getting scared.
Thank you Holly! You can't imagine how much I needed to read this! My fear kicked in a little when I read this b/c I thought, well this person's H wanted her to keep in touch, whereas mine said "move on, don't contact me." But I think it's still the same b/c my H has never had to face being truly w/o me. I have to face the fear that he will forget me and realize that will be impossible. We have tons of years of wonderful memories and that is what he will use to compare his current existence when he is alone and also w/ the OW.
I, too, benefited from reading this tonight. Very wise post from Calder. I thank you for sharing it again tonight; I think so many of us feel the same way right now.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Awww, you guys are too sweet. Glad it helped you. It has given me courage to let him go more than once. Have a great dark period! It can be very liberating.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
