My favorite part is here, but it is a piece of Art in context. Hope this helps you trust to go dark!

Quote:
Trust that the past will work on him for you..in your absence. Trust the the
rest of the world will be working on him for you. You don't have to do
anything but enjoy your life as best you can on your own.


This seems popular so thought I'd reproduce it here:

This is a letter Calder once posted here, which was advice to her from a wise friend who had DB'd successfully and got her m back after 3 years of separation.

So I thought I would post it, edited a bit to take out the personal stuff to Calder.

Because even though there was no DB strategy in my case, it seems to prove her point!



"He says he intended to call you....but, you became scared and impatient and
fearful that he had gone into a dark cave, so you couldn't resist contacting
him. You couldn't trust that he would contact you.

It would have been so meaningful and wonderful for you to have picked up the
phone and heard his voice on the other end. He would have called you....in
his own time.

You must give him the chance to do it on his own terms...in his own time.

He said his computer was down. There was no hidden meaning behind his
silence...but your imagination got the better of you. I understand being so
scared that some unknown force takes hold of your fingers as you send those
emails. I know... I really do...I really do!!

I risk making you defensive...but,...your light approach has worked.
You haven't threatened him. He doesn't feel threatened. You are past the
first stage of separation. You have successfully reconnected with him. He
isn't deliberately avoiding you.

He thinks you're doing just fine...busy with new job and active social life.
You haven't given him a hard time. Aren't moaning on his shoulder...haven't
displayed anger, haven't caused any ugly scenes and are in his eyes moving
on quite well without him.

You are using the boards for advice, have been focused on doing the right
things and have accomplished a lot in the past year. He feels comfortable
with you. He thinks you're doing just fine without him. He knows what you're
all about. He isn't scared of you. He's still your husband!

I am concerned about your fear of scaring him off. There is NO evidence of
that. He hasn't said you scare him. He hasn't accused you of threatening
him. He would have no reason to!

Let's take a look at your fear...you're making decisions based upon
imagined, unfounded fear...not a good position for you to be in. Still
acting like the dutiful wife...there to boost him, coddle him...chatting and
joking....wanting him to warm to you...not being able to completely detach

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. He knows where you are. He knows you
love him. He knows who you are and all that you've done and been for him all
those years. He shares those same memories.

He looks for you on IM. THAT's when he thinks about you...that's when he
will miss you...that's when he will be reminded of you...and those are just
the tiny examples. Trust that there are hundreds more that you don't know
about.

Now you have entered a new chapter in your plan to get him back. This
chapter can be about his realizing that he's losing the best thing he ever
had in his life. He MUST be allowed to feel your absence...your silence will
speak volumes to him....just as his does to you.

You worry when you don't hear from him. Give him the chance to worry about
you!!

I may sound like a broken record, but if it were me...
I wouldn't contact him for 6 weeks. So what if he gets scared???
He's a big boy and I think he should get scared...scared that he's going to
lose you forever.

Scared that you have met someone better than him. Scared that you don't feel
warm about him...scared that you just aren't going to be there anymore to
boost his big baby ego. You can turn this around...but, not until you
aren't so fearful of what he's thinking or doing!!

It's time to tell the fear to go to hell. Time to get some relief from
worrying about him and his feelings. He can handle his own feelings.

He won't come back as long as he thinks you're always there for him on his
terms. He won't come back until he honestly misses you and that won't happen
until you risk going silent long enough for him to get scared about what
you're doing.

This will feel like the biggest risk of your life...you will be
scared...scared that he won't ever contact you again...scared that he's so
much in love with her that you are dust...all those fears will well up in
you and take over like demons if you let them. You could go on like
this...chatting, etc for years and years and he will have NO incentive to
get you back.

OR...you can sit back and trust all that you have been to him.

Trust that he will come back to you when he's good and ready and that
there's nothing more you can do to make it happen any faster then he is
ready for.

Trust that the past will work on him for you..in your absence. Trust that the
rest of the world will be working on him for you. You don't have to do
anything but enjoy your life as best you can on your own.

If and when he calls or writes to you...do not respond immediately. When he
asks to see you...that's when you put on the war paint. Looking better than
just fit!!

Leave him with all that on his mind!!!

Lastly...I wouldn't put any trust in what he says...especially when he told
you to keep in touch...I wouldn't do it...I would STOP determining my
actions based upon his. It's time for you to get back in the drivers seat of
your life. Stop rationalizing staying in touch with him.

If you want him back you will have to feel like an idiot...fear
rejection...FEAR FEAR FEAR and do it anyway. Don't let fear run your
life....Be scared and do it anyway.....and now I'm leaving you with all
this...it may sting...but, getting mysterious and going silent works with
men...they can't stand it and come out of their caves."

Jaybeexxxx