Sorry guys but I can't keep my mouth shut on this one....
(please don't take this personally Gbon because I really respect your posts and think you have a lot of great, empathetic views) That having been said: THIS statement-
"The spouse who starts an affair has typically been deprived of their basic relationship needs. These could be attention, affection, conversation (the big three for people who start affairs), etc..."
makes me angry. I know these ideas are not originally yours as I have read variations of them in a variety of other places. They make me angry because it seems that my H's A does not fit ANY of them. Now I also realize that it states "typically" and not every A is the same and there are always nuances and differences...got it. But it still makes me angry.
Why?
Because I still don't know WHY. I am a very analytical person and the need to know why and figure out things, and dissect things to see how they work, is very strong in me. I am trying very hard to come to grips with the fact that because H doesn't know (or cannot tell me yet) that I may never know either. But to read (everywhere) that these are the 'reasons' for an A burns me up. I do not feel that my H was deprived of his basic relationship needs-neither does he-we have discussed this in therapy-and alone together....HE chose to go overseas against my wishes for that job-we were getting along when he left-AND after he left, we have always been affectionate with one another, communicated (as best he was able-he's always been a 'non-talker'), of the 'reasons', I cannot seem to fit what happened to any of them-even variations of them. I have also checked out the list (on another thread-I forgot whose-sorry!) of warning signs of a spouses MLC, and most of them don't fit either (although ~MLC is about all I can come up with?)...see how this drives me nuts??!!!
I know that I have to let go of my burning need to know. It IS getting better-and less 'ever present in my mind' with each day.
I love what Eagle says tho about the guilt-you are right on...my H hid it from me and LIED and LIED and LIED some more, for almost a year before the truth finally came out.
Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It is possibly what drives me in my 'need to know' perhaps because I feel guilty? I am also beginning to think that it's what led him astray as well-guilt.
