So your crazy. BFD. At least that explains them pointy assed shoes your always wearing out of season.
I've never been so thankful for exhaustion in my entire life. Helps me let go of all the little shite. kwis? yep I sure KWYS, after staying up 40 50 hours to try to get your mind to turn off when your in a manic state, your friends start advising you to stay off the juice cause your writing style changes.
I have no worries over you at all. You are at your best in times of crisis and while it seems like you are hanging on a thread, I believe you are actually hanging on a steel cable. It is because you believe you are hanging by a thread that he thread becomes a cable.
It is when things seem to be under control and you believe that you aren't even hanging at all that you are really dangling on a thread. Those are the times when there is nothing to fight and no reason to keep up the walls, when you think you are safe, that you think you may have to show some vulnerability, those are the times when you are really hanging by a thread, because your pattern seems to be that in those times your anxiety attacks kick in.
I have no worries over you at all. You are at your best in times of crisis and while it seems like you are hanging on a thread, I believe you are actually hanging on a steel cable. It is because you believe you are hanging by a thread that he thread becomes a cable.
It is when things seem to be under control and you believe that you aren't even hanging at all that you are really dangling on a thread. Those are the times when there is nothing to fight and no reason to keep up the walls, when you think you are safe, that you think you may have to show some vulnerability, those are the times when you are really hanging by a thread, because your pattern seems to be that in those times your anxiety attacks kick in.
I think there might be a compliment in there somewhere, I'm not sure.
Actually, I'm vulnerable all over the place right now, and that is what I was talking about when I said 'hanging by a thread.' I'm even letting my friends and family and everyone SEE it. Were this the old me, I'd be giving Superman a run for his money. But my 'leaping tall buildings in a single bound' days are over...
My natural response to stuff like this is to go all Hermit like, pull away from the world, hold everything inside and refuse any help or comfort when it comes my way.
I'm not doing that right now, believe it or not, and it is exceedingly uncomfortable for me. I've let people see me cry and be weak, I've let them hug me and baby me (ugh), I'm not solving all the problems on my own...
But the impulse to do just the opposite is there, right below the surface.
I don't want to dissolve into a simpering whimp who becomes overly dependent on people, either. I'm working on keeping things in perspective, not blowing things out of proportion, not overly fretting, and not making mountains out of mole hills. There is no reason for me to charge into battle, for no battle exists. I'm just darn proud of the fact that I can actually SEE that... as I am so fond of saying, you can't see what you can't see, until you do.
Quote: yep I sure KWYS, after staying up 40 50 hours to try to get your mind to turn off when your in a manic state, your friends start advising you to stay off the juice cause your writing style changes.
Your friends said that to you??? Wow... smart friends.
There was a compliment in there, but a direct compliment can be uncomfortable, right? Damn, you sound so much like my wife in this way. I really want to hear how you work through this matter of getting comfortable with your vulnerability. It is a BIG deal.
Quote: There was a compliment in there, but a direct compliment can be uncomfortable, right?
Actually, I now prefer direct compliments so that I can work on simply saying, 'thank you.'
Quote: I really want to hear how you work through this matter of getting comfortable with your vulnerability.
I've made tremendous strides with it in the sex department, but I still have a ways to go. As a matter of fact, I think you always have to stay just out of your comfort zone to keep vulnerability alive and thriving. At least with sex.
On another front... I think I mentioned that my brother and I were able to get past our differences and find some solutions with my dad... and I believe this was a direct result of me changing how I was acting/reacting to him.
I gave up attempting to control the situation, I gave up trying to manage it, I apologized to him, I explained how I was feeling, and then I started crying. I didn't do this to manipulate him to get my way... I could just see that my prior approach with him was not working... and it was because I was in 'battle' mode.
So I stopped competing with him, gave up the fight, allowed myself to be a vulnerable woman, and lo and behold... we started getting things done.... and he no longer minded that I OWNED the hospital while I was there. As long as I wasn't pushing him around, he had no problem with me staying on top of every single person in that place. And by golly I was... that was my Papa in there.
He even hugged me, and told me everything was going to be okay... so, I'm not so obtuse that I can't see when things WORK. Do I like crying in front of my brother and appearing to be a train wreck of a woman? No. But I like even less fighting with him and not getting some pressing issues resolved before he had to leave.
Your description of me creating my own problems is accurate. That's me. The way I STOP doing that is to get out of my own way and be what I am... a woman. A vulnerable woman. In the end, same results. But instead of getting to the end all bloody and bruised, I get to the end feeling a bit shakey, but lots and lots of hugs.
No matter how uncomfortable it makes me, I like these results better. I'm sure once it becomes second nature, it won't feel so foreign to me anymore.
My mom and dad have been divorced for 38 years. It was not a happy parting, but over the years, especially once my brother and I were grown, mom and dad have found friendly terms. We've done Thanksgivings and Christmas's together... she's even helped him out of financial jams...
Not bosom buddies, but you know.
Here's the Holy Moses part.
My dad is going to go stay with my MOTHER for his cardio-rehab. About two months.
My mother and dad in the same house after 38 years. Go fcking figure.
