I hope that this doesn't sound flip or irreverent but the thought I had as I read about your night on the dark side was that you're lucky you don't suffer from HD- 'cause then after your first two bottles of wine, you probably would have called up your BF and said something like "I bwant u to come ober heh and fw*ck mah bwains out.". To which he might have replied "Who is this? Corri? What's wrong with your drains? Why are you calling me so late? Do you need an emergency plumber?" etc.
Seriously, here is my probably good for nothing pretending to be a psychoanalyst without a license thought on the matter. You were beating yourself up for being "stupid" or "blind" about a trivial problem because you have repressed your anger at your mother for being "stupid" or "blind" about your abuse. Your anger at your brother is uncomplicated and obvious so on some level you can deal with it. Your anger at your mother is complicated and more like self-loathing so it creeps up on you when you have difficulties "caring for" or "mothering" yourself.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
