Just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about your dad...and having to deal with your brother. Vent away. You're a real inspiration to people here, but it's ok to feel like crap about a crappy sitch. We'll still be here for you.
Bear
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust
Remember these sayings "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," "Women are like tea bags, you never know how strong they are until you put them in hot water" and "the world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places."
I choose to think that all the little set backs that we face are preparing us for the difficulties we will ultimately confront in old age. Get tough now to prepare. Getting old is not for sissies as they say.
(((Corri))) Must be loads of fun dealing with your former abuser on how to take care of your Dad. You are a stronger woman now. You will do fine.
Oh, and I agree with the shrink about giving your dude a chance to show you how wonderful and valuable YOU are. Men will move mountains -- oh yes, definitely. Just be sure to let him know how much you appreciate the fact that the mountain is moved. Any show of appreciation is nice, but a BJ makes it special.
Finally, re:
Quote: Cobra, I hear you. Jesus, I think I might have to give up the Honors of being the wielder of the Pointy Witch Shoes.
please avoid these extremely disturbing visual images in the future, thankyouverymuch.
OMG - meditate, pray, cry and KNOW that this situation will end at some point. It is beyond awful and I'm sorry that you are facing it at this point in time. Your shrink is brilliant BTW! Call him if you need help.
I read your blog, all of it. Sounds like you are working too hard and on overload. Trying to handle past and present issues. BTDT.
Does my 3.82/4.0 GPA in college hint that I over did some things. My scholastic abilities are average but I was in the top 5% of the class. Trying too hard looks good on paper but takes a toll some place in your life or in the family members life, like kids.
One question for you to answer, if you forced Karen1, Heather or someone else more similar to you, would it be fare to them to live like that?
Some people want the easy way out in life. Other people are much harder on them self than would be legal. Please assess where you are on this continuum and act accordingly as much as you can.
(((((Corri))))) be well, pointy-toed-shoes and all.
Can you believe I found a computer in a hospital? My dad is resting right now, so I wanted to give another little update.
For all the venting I did about my brother, we did manage to get beyond our differences and find our way to some solutions.
My father is slowing accepting that his life has to change, and there was a very sweet nurse who gave him the lowdown on what would happen to him if he *didn't* accept our help. It's a lot for him to swallow at once, but he has agreed to come home with me for a few weeks for his mandatory rest -- on condition that I "stay out of his hair, let him do his thing, and not fuss over him." I said okay.
My dad, I think I mentioned, is 74, and he works a courier route. He's fretting about giving up his job, and was complaining how all his 'people on his route' are going to miss him. While he was napping, one of the ladies he delivers to on his route showed up, brought him a card, and was just overjoyed that he has family who will be taking care of him. She said the first thing she is going to do when she gets back to work is start calling everyone on his route to let them know how he is doing, and let everyone know that his daughter is in to take him home, and he isn't alone. Dam, but I had tears in my eyes. They just love him.
Lou, if you are nicely accusing me of being an overachiever, I'm guilty as charged. As I sit in the hospital room, keeping watch over my dad, I feel like I'm living a scene from "Tuesday's with Mori." You are right, of course, I have to let up on myself. I really don't want to do life on my own, and I'm not so sure why I've been struggling so hard to keep it that way, except perhaps out of lifelong habit. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it seems that my god of choice works in mysterious ways.
As I sit and ponder life, I'm coming up with a plan for myself. A simple one, believe it or not. As the shrink said, I'm obsessive, and the best way to relieve stress for an obsessive is to plan, and then 'do.' Sounds simple, but MAN is it tough getting out of your own way, sometimes.
There is a career change I do want to make, but I've accepted that I'm going to have to work towards that rather than implement it tomorrow... just out of sheer determination. I've dropped off the list the things I just cannot change right now, I've dropped off the list all the 'little' things I seem to sweat buckets over... and I'm left with one or two managable things I can work toward. Gee... this stuff seems to work.
I've been humbled by my grouchy obstinate father, and I am thankful that my life is such right now that I can be here and sit with him for three days until I can get him home with me.
Thanks for all your support, everyone. (Hairdog, you crack my azz up, thanks for the laugh).
I hope that this doesn't sound flip or irreverent but the thought I had as I read about your night on the dark side was that you're lucky you don't suffer from HD- 'cause then after your first two bottles of wine, you probably would have called up your BF and said something like "I bwant u to come ober heh and fw*ck mah bwains out.". To which he might have replied "Who is this? Corri? What's wrong with your drains? Why are you calling me so late? Do you need an emergency plumber?" etc.
Seriously, here is my probably good for nothing pretending to be a psychoanalyst without a license thought on the matter. You were beating yourself up for being "stupid" or "blind" about a trivial problem because you have repressed your anger at your mother for being "stupid" or "blind" about your abuse. Your anger at your brother is uncomplicated and obvious so on some level you can deal with it. Your anger at your mother is complicated and more like self-loathing so it creeps up on you when you have difficulties "caring for" or "mothering" yourself.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Corri Glad to hear you Dad is still stubborn. Keeps them around longer. Mine is 78 and I am close to his residence and assisting with details on Hospice. He is stubborn also and outlived all his cousins despite all the challenges.
Take care. You are stronger now so we'd probably loose at arm wrestling.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Well, all, I escaped Clevland before the snow storm and we are safely ensconsed in my home.
Fck. I've never been so tired in my entire life. Ever. Thank GOD for Grey's Anatatomy. Distracts me.
But.... before you all rush in with your hugs and well wishes, as I know you will all do... I've never been so thankful for exhaustion in my entire life. Helps me let go of all the little shite. kwis?
Whew, kids, I am hanging on by a thread, but never a thread I have found that is so strong. If you all know what I am saying. My brother actually hugged me when he left the hospital a few days ago and said to me, "C'mon, Corri, buck up, we can't make chicken soup out of chicken [censored]. k?"
It was the very best I was going to get out of him. His way of saying, "it's cool."
I'm going to stop for now. I'm home. My dad is with me. All of his meds are with me. I'm cooking low sodium dinners for him... who knew that would be such a fcking challenge. Wow.
Pray for me. I have this really big contract in the hopper. A big one. A HUGE one. I need it. I see it. But I could use the extra prayers. K?
