Corri, toughlove may indeed be in order, but I see you being way too tough on yourself. It's as if you've been lost in a blizzard, or stranded in a snowdrift, and now that you've found your way to the fire, you are using the pointy toed shoes on yourself. I hope you will use more forgiveness and compassion toward yourself. Your tone is very stern when you're talking about yourself.
Taking a break from here from time to time is good, and I surely understand this site as a diversion-- I'm very much guilty of that.
BUT there is NO need, absolutely NO NEED, to feel embarrassed in any way to admit that you're hurting. I want you to address the part of you that feels embarrassed and reassure her (as you would reassure the person found in the snowdrift or as you would address those two now-found kidnapped boys) that she has done nothing wrong... indeed that she IS nothing wrong. Forgive yourself over and over and over again and then over again-- and then again.
Kindness, compassion, love-- that's what Corri needs from Corri.
If AA is too scary (and well it might be), go to alanon instead, or simply the browse www.soberrecovery.com message boards.
Just so you all know, I am still fine, though it has been a rough three or so days.
I did go to the doctor today, and in the midst of it I had a full blown anxiety attack... actually the doctor knew I was having one based on my vitals.
Anyway, the long and short of it is he thinks I have post traumatic stress (which he says the divorce would have enough to create, but the car accident happening right at the same time has compounded it). Though this last little thing with my lawyer, when taken by itself, is not a big thing -- but no matter how insignificant it seems, whatever it was about it is what triggered that 'black rage' feeling, and has now sent my system into crisis mode. Meaning, even the smallest anxiety will set off heightened levels of stress and kick my automatic nervous system into flight or fight mode... that reaction is useful in severe trauma situations... it does not work very well in every day life. The compulsive behaviors, etc., are all symptoms of this... phenomenon.
He thinks I am mildly depressed, but nothing he considers serious. My issue is revolving around axiety and panic, which manifest themselves in different ways. So he recommended I go back to my shrink to deal with whatever trauma memories have triggerd this anxiety, and he has put me on a mild anti-depressant to help even me out. He also gave me another thing to take if I feel an axiety attack coming on...it pretty much stops it in its tracks.
They will be in communication to treat me together. He said to me... 'the divorce threatened your sense of security, and the car accident threatened your life. That's enough to make anyone panic... when your sense of security got hit again, whether real or imagined... that was the last straw for you."
Binging is a symptomatic behavior of axiety. Binging is another word for compulsive, and it can be anything -- drinking, smoking, gambling, binge shopping, fixation of a job or a project... compulsion is an addictive behavior. I don't have to be an alcoholic to be an addict. That was quite a sobering revelation to me. He told me I didn't have to be an alcoholic to go to AA, but he thinks I would benefit from going to some meetings. So... I'm going to go.
So that's that for now. Oh. I went to get my perscriptions and they told me that I wasn't covered (now I have to get my insurance straightened out). But... I started laughing.
If anyone has ever been through this kind of thing, you have my very deepest understanding and empathy. If there are people in your lives who might be going through something like this, take it seriously. It's real.
Wow - that is a lot to take in isn't it? You are doing well. Keep taking little steps forward. I think your doc gave excellent advice. Hang in there. Who (besides your boyfriend) is there to support you?
I soooo appreciate that you have shared this....you will help so many by sharing. Some folks just feel they have to hide it all inside. Especially if they've spent time as a success on the board. Then something happens to shake it.
One of my closest friends at work in this past year and a half, had a baby, his wife got ovarian cancer and had to go through six months of chemo, his mom shot herself during this time, and he just found out his brother committed suicide right before the holidays. He is the only one left (his father passed away around the time I met him a little over 10 years ago.).
Sometimes you have things that overload your senses, your nervous system. Sharing how you get through them teaches someone else how to get through it better than someone telling them how to get through it.
Your honesty is humbling.
You're amazing.
I hope we can be there for you, too.
And you WILL get through it.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Jesus, your poor friend. That is so very sad. Hopefully he is finding help and support through his troubles.
Karen:
No, I don't have anyone here. I have a long-distance R with my bf, though we do see one anothe quite a bit. I seem to do much better when the kids are with me, for they are what I focus on... why I get up out of bed and do what I do everyday. My problem times seem to come when I am alone.
I have friends, certainly, but they are busy with their own lives. I did have an idea, one that I am going to check into... and that's going over to hang out at one of the retirement centers. There are so many people in them who are alone and would probably very much appreciate a visitor from time to time.
I'm going to check out the support group... who knows, maybe at some point I have something I can give back.
My doctor also recommended a book to me (another book? peels of laughter from the SSM crowd) called: "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick J. Carnes. Here is the book description:
Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds--chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, incest and child abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiations, kidnapping, professional exploitation and religious abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationships share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power. In The Betrayal Bond Patrick Carnes presents an in-depth study of these relationships, why they form, who is most susceptible, and how they become so powerful. He shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred and gives a checklist for examining relationships. He then provides steps to safely extricate from these relationships. This is a book you will turn to again and again for inspiration and insight, while professionals will find it an invaluable reference work.
I think I fit the bill for that one, so I'll check it out and let you know what I think. ANNNDDD while I was checking out his books, I came across this one, which I also bought:
Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred
A first-time examination of sexual anorexia, an extreme fear of sexual intimacy and obsessive avoidance of sex, by the acknowledged leader in the treatment of compulsive sexual behavior and recovery. Author Dr. Patrick Carnes begins by defining sexual anorexia and demonstrating how it and its parallel disorder, sexual addiction and compulsivity, often arise from a background of childhood sexual trauma, neglect, and other forms of abuse, Carnes explores the numerous dimensions of sexual health, examining key issues which must be addressed and resolved for recovery to proceed. Utilizing extensive research and elucidating case studies, Carnes develops concrete tasks and plans for restoring nurturing and sensuality, building fulfilling relationships, exploring intimacy, and creating healthy sexuality. Woven throughout the book are stories of recovery which illustrate sexual healing principles, model new behavior, and support motivation for change.
I HIGHLY recommend anyone here who has an LD partner to look this book up and read the 'excerpts.' A lot of it nailed me, and it certainly goes along with my compulsive/controlling behavior(s). This may very well fit your bf, Lil.
As for the book, what I am posting on my blog is little more than a history report right now. But that is the purpose of a first draft... just to outline my thoughts and the progression of the story.
When I am done with this, I will then go back and begin to clean up my writing and add the 'meat' of the story, the things that I found that make this, to me, such a kick-azz underdog story.
I doubt I'll post that part on my blog, though, so if you would like to read more of it, I'll be happy to email it to you. Drop me a line at corri@ftio.com
Actually I do have the Sexual Anorexia book, Corri, and also a book by Patrick Carnes (he's the sex addiction/incest guru). The sexual anorexia stuff does apply to my bf (FWIW).
I went to see my shrink tonight. I gave him the run down of what has happened, and why the wheels are about ready to fall off the wagon. After I was done, he sat very quiet for a good few moments. And then he repeated back to me:
Let me get this straight. Just as a recap. We've done the car accident, recovered, we've done the divorce, yet it lingers on in never ending bullsh!t, you gave away your dog, you get a little stressed out about life, confess your concerns to your mother, who turns around and tells you, in essence, she doesn't have time for YOU to be stressed out about YOUR life because she needs you to run HER business, for an abysmal salary, the lawyer you hired, whom you trusted, wipes out your savings account, in essence reducing your rainy day fund to a mere misty day in the fog account, on top of that, through a forgetful day, gets you into tax trouble, your brother, who has historically exploited you all his life calls you up, not once, but twice, and verbally accosts you over the phone over your father's heart attack, because you, god forbid, did not pick up the phone and call him about an event he already knew about from your other sisters... and in the midst of this, you are worried about your kids, keeping a roof over their heads, and finding a job that pays half-way decent in an area that, not anyone anyone, in their wildest dreams, would describe as a hot bed of economic activity. Your boyfriend is a state away, your bestfriend lives two hours away, you are in essence ALONE, with no one HEALTHY to talk to....
... am I getting this straight?
Yes, I said.
Uh huh, he says. Long, long beats.
And then he says, "you know, if I didn't know you and your history, and you just walked in and told me this story, I would stake my career on the fact that you were lying to me. All I can say to you now is, "Hell, girl, if I were you, I'd be drinking, too."
So we explored, for some time, my drinking and my habits, and he quizzed me quite in depth about them, and my state of mind.
In the end, he came to this conclusion. He told me he did not think I was drinking because I was an alcoholic. I was not exhibiting signs. He was convinced I was drinking as a means of self-medicating, though while understandable, would lead to undesirable consequences, and he was glad I had sought the help of an MD for my anxiety attacks.
He was sorry to tell me that I was not neurotic or sick, but quite healthy, as a matter of fact, for "if you had walked in here and told me the story you just did, and didn't have an urge to drink, or weren't ready to bust at the seams, I'd be very seriously worried about you. The fact that you understand in the midst of this crisis that you needed to seek help, that you were beginning to 'lose' it tells me you are an inordinately stressed, but HEALTHY individual who needs some help. We all need help, from time to time."
His biggest, most pressing concern for me is my isolation. Though he understands my doctors urging to go to AA and be in a 'support' group... he'd rather see me in a support group of more healthy individuals... to give me something to model. Not that he has anything against AA... he just doesn't think I've gone down that far. Which surprised the fck out of me.
He continued to stress to me how 'normal' I am... just that I was a normal individual with inordinate stress levels.
My two biggest stumbling blocks: I am so determined to PROVE that I can do it 'on my own,' that I can't DO anything, and two, I will not accept genuine offers of help when they come.
NOOOOOO. Not me.
We talked through my plans. He told me I need to pull back on my book a bit... and instead of writing a novel in world record time, which he has no doubt I can do in my manic state, to find balance, and bring it back to half to one page a day. To develop a realisitc plan of employment... meaning... rather than shooting for the moon... I pull back a bit and shoot for... oh... the next block over... so as not to overwhelm myself.
Network. Plan. Take things one step at a time rather than the whole ocean at a time.
He is working with my M.D., and he has high hopes for me. He said to me, "Corri, I swear, promise me sometime in your life, you will hole yourself up in a B&B and write the story of your life, sell it to a major motion picture outfit, and make a million. 'Cuz no one, no one will ever believe that the very truth of your life is anything but fiction. No one."
