Just so you all know, I am still fine, though it has been a rough three or so days.
I did go to the doctor today, and in the midst of it I had a full blown anxiety attack... actually the doctor knew I was having one based on my vitals.
Anyway, the long and short of it is he thinks I have post traumatic stress (which he says the divorce would have enough to create, but the car accident happening right at the same time has compounded it). Though this last little thing with my lawyer, when taken by itself, is not a big thing -- but no matter how insignificant it seems, whatever it was about it is what triggered that 'black rage' feeling, and has now sent my system into crisis mode. Meaning, even the smallest anxiety will set off heightened levels of stress and kick my automatic nervous system into flight or fight mode... that reaction is useful in severe trauma situations... it does not work very well in every day life. The compulsive behaviors, etc., are all symptoms of this... phenomenon.
He thinks I am mildly depressed, but nothing he considers serious. My issue is revolving around axiety and panic, which manifest themselves in different ways. So he recommended I go back to my shrink to deal with whatever trauma memories have triggerd this anxiety, and he has put me on a mild anti-depressant to help even me out. He also gave me another thing to take if I feel an axiety attack coming on...it pretty much stops it in its tracks.
They will be in communication to treat me together. He said to me... 'the divorce threatened your sense of security, and the car accident threatened your life. That's enough to make anyone panic... when your sense of security got hit again, whether real or imagined... that was the last straw for you."
Binging is a symptomatic behavior of axiety. Binging is another word for compulsive, and it can be anything -- drinking, smoking, gambling, binge shopping, fixation of a job or a project... compulsion is an addictive behavior. I don't have to be an alcoholic to be an addict. That was quite a sobering revelation to me. He told me I didn't have to be an alcoholic to go to AA, but he thinks I would benefit from going to some meetings. So... I'm going to go.
So that's that for now. Oh. I went to get my perscriptions and they told me that I wasn't covered (now I have to get my insurance straightened out). But... I started laughing.
If anyone has ever been through this kind of thing, you have my very deepest understanding and empathy. If there are people in your lives who might be going through something like this, take it seriously. It's real.
