I met Him because I dam near killed myself. Not on purpose. But when I got to the brink... I saw Him... and there I saw myself.
I have a disease, and I've had it most of my life. I didn't see it until today, after I dam near killed myself, but it's there.
I have a disease called self-loathing. I learned it in my childhood, and I am pretty certain it came from my sexual molestation. I learned to hate myself, though I have never in my life been able to truly recognize it or admit it. To own it. Because I've been too ashamed to admit to such a foolish, foolish thing.
As soon as the events of today had run their course, though, I was able to see it, to recognize it, to own it. And I finally had the courage to ask someone for help.
There has been a side of me that has been desperate for help for years, in a sense, but for the self-loathing, I've never been able to ask for it. I didn't know what to ask for, you know, because I could never figure out what was wrong...
Because of today, because of what happened to me today, I can finally see it. The self-desstructive pattern that I have been living for the last 28 years of my life.
I don't know what it is I am dealing with, but I can see it now so clearly that I am stunned. And all I know is... I have to stop it.
This is what happened to me... today.
Nothing out of the ordinary, really... but I had a stressful day. It came on the heels of a discussion I had with my attorney on the phone... and because of something he 'forgot to tell me' last year during my divorce... I am going to owe some money this year for taxes. It isn't going to be a big deal.. I called my accountant, told him what happened... we discussed things... and he's pretty sure, based on his estimate of what he thought I had coming back to me, I can cover what I am now going to owe... I may have to pay a little bit... but I'll be okay.
It's not a big deal. Not on the surface. That wasn't the problem. There was a brief moment while I was on the phone with my attorney, as he was telling me this news... that I felt a moment of panic. It must have been pretty intense...
because today... I had one of my 'black rage' moments. I haven't had one of those in years. I don't know if any of you remember me describing those moments or not... but I had experienced them early in my marriage with my H, and when I had been molested. Do you remember me describing them? It's the crux of my LD.
I understand that my rage in not really anger... but a fear so intense... it just manifests as a feeling I can only describe as rage.
And rather than feel it, or express it, I go 'passive.' Eerily so.
I never learned how to deal with those incredibly intense feelings of vulnerability, shame and fear. I had no way, no manner, of expressing them... they scared the living [censored] out of me anyway... so I just 'shut down' the emotional system.
But those feelings have to go somewhere... energy that intense has to find an outlet or it'll implode... and I realized today that I've been turning those feeling directly at myself.
I had one of those moments today... because there was no one to get mad at... for the tax screw up. I remember being on the phone, and describing how I felt to my bf, and I said to him, "I am so mad right now, I can't even feel it." And then I said to him, "have you ever felt that way?" And he said... "no. I've always been able to feel when I'm angry." He couldn't relate.
And then I said to him, "it's weird. I scare me when I get like this... I'm so mad that I can't even feel it. It's like I go passive, quiet. Silient. I dunno."
He asked me why I was so mad. It wasn't a big deal, there was a way out, I wasn't going to lose life nor limb nor house over it. It seemed to him, and truly, to me, like no big deal.
I truly, honestly, don't know why. It was perplexing, even to me... but that 'black rage' moment was present, and I could tell. And I said... "I don't think I'm mad at my attorney, nor am I mad at my accountant, or anyone or anything... I think I'm mad at me. I think I'm mad because I think I should have known better. I trusted someone, implicitly (my attonrey's advice), and I feel foolish for such implicit trust. I should have known better."
My boyfriend didn't see the significance, and quite frankly, neither did I... but I felt the 'black rage' anyway. I knew its presence, I can recognize it... but such a thing did not warrant such a reaction.
I didn't really know what was happening to me... but I could feel it, could feel the cycle begin within me... and its a cycle I've been doing all my life. But today, unlike any other time in my life, I watched myself do it.
I knew that my best friend was coming up tonight to stay with me for the weekend, but after I got off the phone with my boyfriend, I started drinking. I couldn't stop myself, and I was drunk when she got here.
Not really seeing it as a major issue (because I am a very, very fun drunk), she went and got her own bottle of wine. She had no idea what I was in the middle of... I didn't either, really... because I was too drunk... except for this niggling feeling that something was really off.
I consummed four bottles of wine on an empty stomach tonight, folks. Had nothing to eat all day. I was wasted... but thank God... I finally told my friend what I had done... on purpose... and that I thought I needed some help. I told her everything... and as soon as I did, she could see it too, because she's known me almost all my life.
But after my little drinking binge, I think I was on the verge of alcohol poisoning. I couldn't throw up. I couldn't go to sleep. It's weird, but there was something lucid enough about me to know that I was in a very dangerous condition.
The I began convulsing in bed. I stumbled my way to the kitchen... I had dehydrated myself so badly from all the alcohol that my body was literally shaking uncontrollably.
I drank water, as much as I could get into me, for two hours, and then I finally fell asleep.
Believe it or not, about an hour ago I woke up... with only a mild headache... and I couldn't go back to sleep. I laid there, seeing my life before me, and the pattern of... whatever this... disease is... that I have.
I seek oblivion.
I'm not a drug addict, I'm not even an alcoholic... I don't crave booze or drugs. There are times when I binge drink... meaning... I start drinking and I don't stop until I pretty much pass out. I just simply seek an escape from myself, and my very intense emotions.
I don't do it all the time. It comes on the heels of stress.
I did it in high school... and then again in college (for the first two years)... and I dam near killed myself doing it. I had near manic states of mood swings, which the alcohol did not help... just intensified.
Other times... I just got depressed (as my LD state in my marriage attested to). Unable to control life or my anger, I just simply turned it inward.
On the outside, I appeared normal, out going, even gregarious. Yet I was unable to express any uncomfortable emotion... I would not cry... would not show any form of vulnerabllity... to do so would require me to lose control. And to do so... was so terrifying for me... I just simply didn't do it. I'd avoid it, avoid life, avoid love, avoid, avoid, avoid. If I couldn't avoid it... I'd get a headache... or I'd eat... or chain smoke... or binge drink. Something... anything... that would take my focus off it.
What I do... I do in private. No one knows this about me, until now... not even my shrink. I don't think I really even knew. I didn't even know that this is what I had been doing to myself, except for what happened tonight... and all the sudden, I looked back and could see it all so clearly... simply because I know myself, what my true thoughts and feelings have been...
For whatever reason, tonight, I just wasn't willing to lie to myself, or anyone else, any more.
I don't know what I did today, or why it happened. I don't know why I had a black rage episode, I have no idea why such an insignificant thing would trigger something like that in me. All I know is that it happened and I couldn't stop it. I had one of my moments... there was nothing or no one to blame... it wasn't even a big deal... but it triggered a stress so intense, I felt completely and utterly out of control. And THAT released in me... a feeling that I can only describe as... sheer and utter terror.
I don't know why. I just know I have a problem... and I can finally see it and acknowledge it. And the only way I can describe it is... a pattern of self-loathing... and I've been so ashamed of it... the self-loathing (I shouldn't feel that way about myself)... that I couldn't see it. If that makes any sense.
I watched myself unravel tonight. I did it on purpose. I got drunk on purpose... I was blitzed when my friend got to my house tonight... and I did it so she'd call me on it. And when she didn't call me on it... I just got more drunk. And that's when I knew... could see... I had a problem.
Not a drinking problem. I can go weeks... months or even years without drinking. But if I drink when I'm stressed... I binge drink. I can't stop. Or... I eat... or I smoke... like I said before... but whatever it is I choose to do, I do it to myself in a binge type fashion.
But, for the grace of God, somewhere in the wee hours of the night tonight, I found enough self-love to stop hating myself... to ask for help... to understand that I have a pattern of unconscious behavior that has been slowly eroding me.
I don't know where this realization came from... I think it came on the heels of me starting to write again. I haven't done writing of any consequence for 20 years. The type of writing where I lose track of time kind of writing. I have to be very in tune with myself in order to write like that... for I write exactly what I see in my head... and write what I feel, as I see it.
If I can't feel... I can't write.
Sometime during this last week, I started feeling again. And just this week, I started writing again.... and I mean, creative writing... crafting.
And then all this other stuff I just desribed happened, and I'm just about as stunned as I've ever been in my life.
Anyway. I wanted to tell you all this... because this is it for me, here. I have to go learn how to be kind to me, and cure -- or at the very least learn how to live with -- this disease I have. I think I am half way there, just in seeing it... admitting it, and knowing I'm going to need some hellp with it.
I don't want to do this to me anymore. I've got too much potential... to just throw me away like this.
So adios my friends.
I finally... finally... know, that I am going to be o.k.
Corri, Wow. I am so grateful nothing serious happened. The healing begins when you choose not to go down the self destructive path, and you are further along than you realize ( you knew your friend was going to be with you). You know, once you have mastered the trauma, it's okay to begin to seal it over and move forward. Go out for a healthy meal, and go enjoy the weekend. We love you here.
I hear you loud and clear, and empathize. Before meeting my W, I did the same thing, massive binge drinking to cover up the self-loathing and lonliness I felt. Didn't know what it was or even that I had a problem. I managed to bury it after dating/marriage, but the fact that my subconscious mind knew something was wrong made it destructively erupt a year and a half ago when my "cage was rattled" (which those of you who have been here awhile got to see and is still somewhat ongoing).
But I think I know what you feel. It is a horrible feed-back loop, where the initial feeling of self-hate generates a feeling of self-hate for feeling the self-hate, and on and on. And just like you I bury my anger deep, because not only is it rooted in fear, I am also afraid of that anger. I have come probably nearer to death from alcohol poisoning than I know.
Anyway, I for one am VERY glad you have been able to come to this realization and I sincerely hope you are able to find a path to deal with it. Your light shines very bright in this world, and it would be a true tragedy if it were dimmed. I wish the circumstances of our meeting in this life could have been different, for I would have been honored to be your friend.
Be well Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Corri, thank you so much for sharing that with us... I can also relate to the self-loathing and the numbing to escape it. I often want oblivion. I don't drink anymore because mybf is a recovering alcoholic, but I used to in the past-- a LOT. I'd go through a 1.5 liter bottle of wine by myself every night. All day I'd be in pain and look forward to being at home alone with that bottle of wine. The self-loathing is so painful, you just want to get away from it. Please check in often and let us know how you're doing. Your insights are so valuable to all of us. ((((Hugs))))
Much love and many prayers. You have gotten to a really important place and you have gained enough strength that you are ready to sift through this and come out on the other side. Please do stop and say hi once in a while.
I did read some of the blog you asked us not to comment on. Lots of stuff there.
I don't want to do this to me anymore. I've got too much potential.........I finally... finally... know, that I am going to be o.k. I hope so Corri. You have been through a lot and by reading your posts I see you have a lot within you.
I never drank much so don't know what influences a person to drink till they blackout or become dehydrated. I am glad to see you didn't have any complications from the event.
You say So adios my friends. but I sure hate to see you go for your sake. Please don't hesitate to post or e-mail anyone if you ever need someone to listen to you.
I wish I had something profound to say right now but all I wish for you is safety and peace. (((((Corri)))))
I did say Adios, didn't I? Well... sorry, didn't finish my thought. Adios for a time. For a needed break that we all take.
It is embarrassing at the very least to share this state I've found myself in with you all, but there is still, and always will be that side of me who wields the Pointy Witch Shoes, and even I do not escape them.
Everybody, at some point in their life, will hit bottom, and it seems to me that I've been hitting bottom on a consistent basis for the last year. That's fine. Nothing wrong with it. Thank God something comes along at some point that catches your attention and tells you, "okay, enough of this. Let's just stop this right now... and if you can't do it on your own, go get some help."
I've hit that point.
I have to get away from here because I use this board, at times, as a diversion. A reason not to do something else, to avoid my life or my own problems. That's okay, from time to time... but I have too many forms of this SSM board in my life, that when put together, are just not healthy.
I posted this not to garner attention, but as my first step in accountability. I'll post updates from time to time, sure, but hopefully, if you all see me hanging around the water cooler here too much, you'll bust me on it and send me on my way. In that way, you can all help me.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the support and empathy you've all shown, really. But the tough love is needed, too, eh?
No one here knows me, nor do you see my daily life... but I've let myself slip beyond what is healthy, by anyone's standards. The only way any of you will know that is the case is if I tell you. Just the mere process of saying it out loud... helps.
Chrome, you know where I am. I know where you are. I'm as scared and doubtful as you are... <nod>. As anyone on here has been, at some point in their lives. It just isn't an excuse, and we ALL KNOW how much I hate excuses.
So. Adios FOR NOW. And, again, if you see my face around here again... I've left my Pointy Witch Shoes by the door. Use them.
Sweetie....I am so humbled by your honesty, and I'm glad you didn't take your life.
You're a good person...you've given so much on this board and helped so many people.
It has helped me before to take a break from the board.
But I think because we care about you, we want to know you're going to have a way of taking care of yourself. Are you going to let your shrink know?
Even though you don't feel you're an alcoholic...AA is still a good place to go, even if only once. They have some great 'self-care' mechanisms/solutions/ideas and you might pick up something that will be useful to you.
You have my thoughts and prayers. God bless.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks... really. Thank you. That's hard for me to say.
Yes, EVERYONE knows. Everyone. I'm not going to see my shrink yet... but I did contact my family physician, and if I don't show up at his office this week, he will come looking for me (I live in a small town... doctors around these parts will do that kind of thing).
I will keep AA in mind. That thought is a little too overwhelming for me to consider at this juncture... it isn't the alcohol per se... it is the binging I am more concerned about... the impulse for self-destruction. THAT is serious. I believe it is linked to the depression... but I'm gong to let someone ELSE make that call and stop self-diagnosing. If he says go to the shrink, I'm going back.
That's okay, from time to time... but I have too many forms of this SSM board in my life, that when put together, are just not healthy.