I hear you loud and clear, and empathize. Before meeting my W, I did the same thing, massive binge drinking to cover up the self-loathing and lonliness I felt. Didn't know what it was or even that I had a problem. I managed to bury it after dating/marriage, but the fact that my subconscious mind knew something was wrong made it destructively erupt a year and a half ago when my "cage was rattled" (which those of you who have been here awhile got to see and is still somewhat ongoing).
But I think I know what you feel. It is a horrible feed-back loop, where the initial feeling of self-hate generates a feeling of self-hate for feeling the self-hate, and on and on. And just like you I bury my anger deep, because not only is it rooted in fear, I am also afraid of that anger. I have come probably nearer to death from alcohol poisoning than I know.
Anyway, I for one am VERY glad you have been able to come to this realization and I sincerely hope you are able to find a path to deal with it. Your light shines very bright in this world, and it would be a true tragedy if it were dimmed. I wish the circumstances of our meeting in this life could have been different, for I would have been honored to be your friend.
Be well Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
