I apologize, I haven't really checked my email in a day or two. I'll check in on your thread everyday though, I have been...
So sorry about the TM from H. He's really hurting and it sucks. But be strong and just remember that he's very, very angry. After I found out about my H's A, I was delibrately cruel to him at times. I felt that he must have had no feelings for me, no heart, no conscious to do what he did, so I would provoke him and say the meanest things to him just so that he could feel the pain I was feeling. Also, to prick him, stab him very very hard with my words because I couldn't any other way. Does this make sense?
THIS IS EXACTLY where your H is right now. But patience and remorse and space. The storm will avert. It will take time though. My own healing took about a year and a half...but that was for COMPLETE healing to the point where I could then want to GIVE to him again and TRULY forgive him.
So this will be a long ride, but I promise that after a few weeks, H WILL SETTLE down. He will retreat into his cave for a while. He will do things to lash out and pretend he doesn't care. He will exhaust himself as he says he is doing already thinking and thinking about your A and getting angry and angry and working himself up into a lather.
But, it WILL pass. Space is important too. Maybe you can plan more activities with your kids, but you will have to keep your H informed of where you are, who you're with everytime.
If it comes up, tell them that you want to try regaining his trust and ask him what it would take. What ACTIONS and WORDS it would take from you for him to feel SAFE again. And be consistent in what you do.
Have you written a letter of apology yet? You might want to try this as saying sorry verbally is one thing, but to write it out and for him to see it on ink and paper is another.
Also sign off with something like, "I never knew what love was until I was loved by you!"
I love this sentence, and in your case it's genuine and heart-felt as you really feel that H loved you best.
I understand that you feel ragged and tired and worn out right now. But don't give up. Brace yourself for the torrent of words and try not to retaliate. Visualize a BIG STOP SIGN in your head when you want to deny, defend, argue, etc. Just let him be. Let him rain down the words on you. At the moment he does that, find that LOVE in your heart (it's there, believe me!!) and just look at him with love in your eyes. But be silent...or just validate and say, "I understand, I'm sorry..."
I'm sorry you're in pain right now...I'm here. And I'll try to post on your thread as often as I can. I'm glad to help.
You're a brave woman for enduring all your childhood struggles. You didn't deserve to be so brutalized by those closest to you. But NOW, you're an adult and THIS is your opportunity to heal. Find yourself, your inner strenght and if you believe in God...gain love and strenght from that.
