Sometimes there are therapists in training (through colleges and universities) who are available at a sliding scale or at no cost. You can try calling social service organizations, informational help lines, or even directly through universities.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
find a woman's support group. I dont' know what would've happen to me had I not found this wonderful group, sponsored by the county (read:free). The leader was a refreshing woman and the others who came helped me soooooo much! Also, I was able to have a consult every now and then for free. I'd go 2x a month for 2hrs, and it saved my sanity. Look into your county's services or church groups.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
i would like to expound more on my sitch. i've realized that i've only stated bad things that had happend during the M.
despite the rough times i've had, there also happy moments.as all marriage i believe do. i thank my husband for those moments now. my H also cares for me that's a fact. some time ago when we're not married yet, i know he'd protect me from people who would disrespect me. one time he punched a drunk person who sort of "attack" me. without thinkin or anythin else, he was there to protect me. my H was also the one who took care of me when i was hospitalized years ago,before we got M. he stayed in the hospital 'til late, would clean everything from urine to "poop", he would wipe them off, when i can't do anything for myself. ……..and the A was the thanks he gets???
my H married me although he told he doesn't want to and we're not compatible. it was because we already had 2 D's. i convinced him also that it was not about compatibility, it's about commitment.
but where's my commitment, when despite everything he did i was able to have an A.
we had a long discussion/argument last night. cried a little. i really hated myself, H told me that i don't really love my children because i'm capable of causing them pain. capable of doing things while he was away (or if we're not together, which only happend trice in our M, 2 of which during out of town hopital duties). while i was away, he would send text messages to me, telling me to be good out there, he loves me and misses me. on the other hand,i would responses would be, ok don't worry, i wouldn't do such things, said things to decieve him( i think such acts are expected when you are having the A). H said i was so opportunistic. i'm sorry now for the things i've done.
no one can doubt my love for my 2D's, because i know i love my children very much. but can't convince my H that despite everything such things do happen in a M. i never did think it could happen to us. i kept on asking myself "why"!!!!!!!!!
i do think he doesn't want the M to work anymore. he doesn't want me, doesn't trust that i would not do it again. said those nasty things again.
i love my family. i love my children, can't bear the hurt i've caused them. i really want to piece or life back. but can one person do it?
R, did you get a chance to ask your H for forgiveness last night?
You might have to do it in a long, long letter. Just pour your heart out and give it to him WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS or EVEN A RESPONSE. Tell him you love him, and he didn't deserve your betrayal, etc.
Then give him time and patience and just unconditional love (non demanding, quiet, unassuming love. Do his laundry, iron his clothes, make him dinner...etc...bend over backwards.)
And don't keep saying "H doesn't want to work on the M, etc." Think positive and just give it some time.
I know you're hurting and everything is raw right now. But it will get better, I promise.
Commitment is where it's at. Compatibility is nice, but commitment is the MOST important thing in any M. Yes, you broke your commitment, but you're sorry and you are here on the boards working hard to make amends.
LISTEN to H, VALIDATE him and LET HIM BE IN CONTROL of the M for a while. Just lay low and continue SHOWING him your love. Let go of talking for now unless of course he wants to.
things are pretty rough now but i'm hanging on. we talked for a while during dinner. H is angry again and raised his voice on me. the talked sparked into an argument. i didn want to fight until he accused me of things that I didn't do.
it is already frightening. i hope we could endure.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Just be careful what you say right now, your H is lashing out again from being hurt - remember that - he is hurt over what happened. I struggle with that daily, just not as intense as it once was. I'm still learning to control my anger, but I have my "moments" and I keep them to myself and post them here.
If I could lash out at my W for what she did I would, but that would counter any progress we have made thus far. My W want sto work on our M, OM is still in the picture, and I am just hangnig onto these boards and praying for support. I have my children, my little girl is 7, and I don't want to break up my family. There is a lot to digest here. Just think things through, and I hope your H can see that you are sorry for what you did and you want to work on your M. That is a good sign from you. The key here is that it will take time! If you are committed, you will have the strength you need to go on every day.
Just keep posting........
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
this morning i'm quite calm, so i thought of making my first journal.
this morning i thank God for another day He's given me - it gave me the chance to hug and kiss my 2Ds and tell them that i love them very much. it also gave me the chance to hug and kiss my H and whisper to him i love you (he doesn't believe me though).
i thanked for giving me wonderful Ds, today i gathered my strenght from them. just seeing them happy gave me a positive outlook for the day. they're in school now.
i'm sorry that they're able to hear our exchange of "outburts" last night. i know D10 could sense our conflict, that everytime thier father and i had the "talk" she would comment - like " if you guys wanna talk just lower your voice, especially daddee". she heard us while she was in the bathroom. then she read a poem to us by C.A. Lufburrow that goes this way:
I shouted aloud and louder
while out on a plain one day,
The sound grew faint and fainter
Until it had died away.
My words had gone forever,
They left no trace or track,
But the hills nearby caught up the cry
And sent an echo back.
I spoke a word in anger
To one who was my friend,
Like a knife it cut him deeply,
A wound that was hard to mend.
That word, so thoughtlessly uttered,
I would we could both forget,
But its echo lives and memory gives
The recollection yet.
How many hearts are broken,
How many friends are lost
By some unkind words spoken
Before we count the cost!
But a word or deed of kindness
will repay a hundredfold,
For it echoes again in the hearts of men
And carries a joy untold.
i cried while she read for i understood what she means.
then i remembered what she wrote in her diary last christmas - "mom and dad had the talk something that could lead to divorce. i'm sad because i won't be able to see my relatives anymore, or if i could still go to school".
i told my H about what the children might be feeling with all that's happening in hope that we could do something about it. still the resistance is there. it all comes back to me doing the A.
thinking about it, yeah that's right. i'm not in the position to say that we both should do this or that for the children, but at least i get to say what's on my mind, that would at least help us both think clearly.
as the argument was heating up, i asked my H if we could stop already, and spend the rest of the night with the children.(D10 palying warcraft on line, D13 preparing to got to sleep). thank God, we did stop. we sat beside D10 and H coached her while she played. she was so happy. i then saw to it that D13 took her bath before going to bed.
later that night, i sat in the terrace, contemplated again, cried again, and prayed.
im happy to know your progress with your kids. i believe that it is through them that we can gather ou strenght and face the battle. i'm all thumbs up for you.
