this morning i'm quite calm, so i thought of making my first journal.
this morning i thank God for another day He's given me - it gave me the chance to hug and kiss my 2Ds and tell them that i love them very much. it also gave me the chance to hug and kiss my H and whisper to him i love you (he doesn't believe me though).
i thanked for giving me wonderful Ds, today i gathered my strenght from them. just seeing them happy gave me a positive outlook for the day. they're in school now.
i'm sorry that they're able to hear our exchange of "outburts" last night. i know D10 could sense our conflict, that everytime thier father and i had the "talk" she would comment - like " if you guys wanna talk just lower your voice, especially daddee". she heard us while she was in the bathroom. then she read a poem to us by C.A. Lufburrow that goes this way:
I shouted aloud and louder
while out on a plain one day,
The sound grew faint and fainter
Until it had died away.
My words had gone forever,
They left no trace or track,
But the hills nearby caught up the cry
And sent an echo back.
I spoke a word in anger
To one who was my friend,
Like a knife it cut him deeply,
A wound that was hard to mend.
That word, so thoughtlessly uttered,
I would we could both forget,
But its echo lives and memory gives
The recollection yet.
How many hearts are broken,
How many friends are lost
By some unkind words spoken
Before we count the cost!
But a word or deed of kindness
will repay a hundredfold,
For it echoes again in the hearts of men
And carries a joy untold.
i cried while she read for i understood what she means.
then i remembered what she wrote in her diary last christmas - "mom and dad had the talk something that could lead to divorce. i'm sad because i won't be able to see my relatives anymore, or if i could still go to school".
i told my H about what the children might be feeling with all that's happening in hope that we could do something about it. still the resistance is there. it all comes back to me doing the A.
thinking about it, yeah that's right. i'm not in the position to say that we both should do this or that for the children, but at least i get to say what's on my mind, that would at least help us both think clearly.
as the argument was heating up, i asked my H if we could stop already, and spend the rest of the night with the children.(D10 palying warcraft on line, D13 preparing to got to sleep). thank God, we did stop. we sat beside D10 and H coached her while she played. she was so happy. i then saw to it that D13 took her bath before going to bed.
later that night, i sat in the terrace, contemplated again, cried again, and prayed.
