i would like to expound more on my sitch. i've realized that i've only stated bad things that had happend during the M.
despite the rough times i've had, there also happy moments.as all marriage i believe do. i thank my husband for those moments now. my H also cares for me that's a fact. some time ago when we're not married yet, i know he'd protect me from people who would disrespect me. one time he punched a drunk person who sort of "attack" me. without thinkin or anythin else, he was there to protect me. my H was also the one who took care of me when i was hospitalized years ago,before we got M. he stayed in the hospital 'til late, would clean everything from urine to "poop", he would wipe them off, when i can't do anything for myself. ……..and the A was the thanks he gets???
my H married me although he told he doesn't want to and we're not compatible. it was because we already had 2 D's. i convinced him also that it was not about compatibility, it's about commitment.
but where's my commitment, when despite everything he did i was able to have an A.
we had a long discussion/argument last night. cried a little. i really hated myself, H told me that i don't really love my children because i'm capable of causing them pain. capable of doing things while he was away (or if we're not together, which only happend trice in our M, 2 of which during out of town hopital duties). while i was away, he would send text messages to me, telling me to be good out there, he loves me and misses me. on the other hand,i would responses would be, ok don't worry, i wouldn't do such things, said things to decieve him( i think such acts are expected when you are having the A). H said i was so opportunistic. i'm sorry now for the things i've done.
no one can doubt my love for my 2D's, because i know i love my children very much. but can't convince my H that despite everything such things do happen in a M. i never did think it could happen to us. i kept on asking myself "why"!!!!!!!!!
i do think he doesn't want the M to work anymore. he doesn't want me, doesn't trust that i would not do it again. said those nasty things again.
i love my family. i love my children, can't bear the hurt i've caused them. i really want to piece or life back. but can one person do it?
